Redefine22

Entries 42

Page 1 of 2

I’m a classic over-thinker. BIG TIME. I had a dream the other night I was playing poker and I had so many cards in my hands that it was impossible to make any rational decisions on how to play my...


June 03, 2018

The Other in Musings

I just finished the book of that name by David Guterson, and it’s main theme is resonating with me. What is the more noble path in life- to accept the hypocrisy, compromise, and lies we all tell...


Did life reject me or did I reject life? The blinding brilliance of the world is a mirror to the squalor that resides within my soul. How much longer can I live this cardboard cutout of a life ...


I can feel myself starting to think more clearly with each passing day. The runaway emotions I sometimes fall prey to have seemed to subside for now, and I’m beginning to get back to thinking lo...


I’ve been working on this issue for awhile now, and it was at the forefront of my session with Dr. Spencer today. I really got myself stuck in a distorted worldview when I was younger- a worldvi...


Now that the summer weather has arrived and I’m getting outside and being more active, I’m REALLY feeling the 20 lbs I allowed myself to gain in the past year. I feel heavy and lethargic- like t...


It is both scary and mind-boggling that we are living in a time where a professional sports league is forcing its players and personnel to stand for the national anthem. And even MORE scarier and...


Gave a Power Red blood donation today, and by the end of work tonight I was really dragging. I’m O Neg- universal donor- so I try to give blood as much as I can. The minor annoyance of feeling f...


Thanks to a comment by a fellow PB’er, and the gloriousness of a perfect May day, I bounced back from yesterday’s blah-ness and am in a pretty good frame of mind today. Got the two lawns mowed a...


So many of my days are spent feeling ghost-like. Am I real? Is reality real? Am I really here? I feel like a visitor from some other plane of existence- an incorporeal wraith drifting thru the ma...


May 19, 2018

Sickness in Musings

There is a sickness in the American soul, and it is growing. Another school shooting , and we hear all the same tired arguments from the same tired politicians on both sides of the aisle. We’re s...


I’m in a good place as I type this. Other than fighting off damn allergies (which seem to have hit me particularly hard this Spring), I’m doing good. I’m in a good spot with babygirl, and I feel...


I had another of my repressed anger dreams last night. I don’t know what else to call them. In this one, I was SCREAMING at my sister- calling her all kinds of horrible names. Why? I don’t really...


I find I operate much better when I detach a bit. My intensity and obsessiveness get the best of me if I allow myself to get too overly involved with anyone or anything. I over-think shit to DEAT...


I’ve reset the long-distance D/s relationship with babygirl after a few weeks of downtime from it. I needed a break to clear my head, and she (once again) graciously allowed me to do so. I had to...


There is nothing to look back upon. I don’t have many “fond memories”- very few in fact. The past is one giant overflowing shithole. A fucking abyss. It’s embarrassing what a fucked up mess I’...


There is a definite correlation between my dreams and my mindset as I make my way thru the day upon waking. If I sleep soundly and deeply, with little or no recollection of dreaming, my day goes...


I’m realizing that stagnation is one of the main drivers of my battles with depression and the anger and frustration I seem to constantly feel. I think I’ve know it for quite awhile, but I’m now ...


I had another of my intensely vivid dreams last night. I was holding a kitten as I walked around what appeared to be a semi-deserted shopping mall. I think I actually had grabbed this kitten and ...


I’m starting to notice some nascent stirrings within me. A feeling like maybe I’m not content to be the invisible nonentity I’ve been for so much of my life. That maybe I’d like to turn all th...


May 05, 2018

Windblown in Musings

Where else but Upstate NY can you be in a snow advisory one week and a tornado watch the next? Winter morphed into Summer while completely bypassing Spring- and now the windstorm is bringing ba...


It’s been so long since I’ve though of anything other than just getting thru my days that I’ve lost the skill of goal-setting. Making plans. Having wants and desires. A future. If I don’t want l...


FINALLY- 86 blessed, sun-soaked degrees. It’s been a long, long winter and spring, and now just maybe- here on May 2- we may have finally turned the corner with our weather. First mow of the year...


I am a damaged, broken man. I have been cowardly and weak much of my life. I have failed to take sufficient responsibility for myself. I have lacked proper self-vigilance, and as a result I have...


April 22, 2018

Inertia in Musings

“An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion....” That basic law of nature certainly applies to me. If I don’t make a conscious effort to keep moving and stay motiv...


Books 2


22 Entries
Public

20 Entries
Public