The Other Side in 2023

I feel like I’ve made it to the other side of a lifetime of depression, anxiety, and feeling completely lost and empty. It’s felt like trying to climb a slippery slope out of the valley of shadows. Self-doubt, disconnectedness, and bouts of complete despair have been my constant traveling companions for as long as I can remember. Looking back on my childhood, I can see the slow descent into an isolating valley -and the barren landscape of that desolate valley eventually became my reality. I might have been able to put on a brave face for intervals of time, but eventually the soul-crushing darkness would overcome me and put me back in my place.

“My place”- forever I have thought that a life of emptiness and pain was where I belonged or what I deserved. But now, I’m getting a glimpse of what lies outside that valley. I still have many peaks to climb, but I’ve ascended high enough to see just how insidious and FALSE the thoughts about myself and the world have been throughout my lifetime. That’s what mental illness does- it warps and deceives and feeds on ugliness. Being in recovery from that illness allows me to begin to grasp the self-betrayal and cannibalization of my very being that I’ve had to battle since a very young age.

Now I feel a lightness and a hint of fresh air that has long eluded me. I know people can’t understand this period of self-reflection and healing that I’ve undertaken the last few months since I graduated from school and earned my degree. I’ve needed this time to put my life into proper perspective and to differentiate who I am (and who I am still capable of becoming) from the shell of a person that I’ve been my whole life. I’ve been a pretender and not a real person and someone just hanging on for dear life. And now- now I’m learning what it’s like to be a fully functioning human being. What it’s like to think clearly, feel honestly, and to see life in realistic terms. To not see the awfulness in myself and others and to be more accepting of the war we all wage with ourselves to varying degrees. I am not anywhere near where I want to be, but at least I have begun the climb. And the view from where I presently stand is giving me some glimpses of a potential life that may still yet give me some meaning, purpose, and contentment.

Last updated January 19, 2023