Entries 20
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Cyclops
I’m a classic over-thinker. BIG TIME. I had a dream the other night I was playing poker and I had so many cards in my hands that it was impossible to make any rational decisions on how to play my...
A Question
Did life reject me or did I reject life? The blinding brilliance of the world is a mirror to the squalor that resides within my soul. How much longer can I live this cardboard cutout of a life ...
The Static Fades
I can feel myself starting to think more clearly with each passing day. The runaway emotions I sometimes fall prey to have seemed to subside for now, and I’m beginning to get back to thinking lo...
Living In The Past
I’ve been working on this issue for awhile now, and it was at the forefront of my session with Dr. Spencer today. I really got myself stuck in a distorted worldview when I was younger- a worldvi...
My Extra 20
Now that the summer weather has arrived and I’m getting outside and being more active, I’m REALLY feeling the 20 lbs I allowed myself to gain in the past year. I feel heavy and lethargic- like t...
2 Pints Down
Gave a Power Red blood donation today, and by the end of work tonight I was really dragging. I’m O Neg- universal donor- so I try to give blood as much as I can. The minor annoyance of feeling f...
Bounce Back
Thanks to a comment by a fellow PB’er, and the gloriousness of a perfect May day, I bounced back from yesterday’s blah-ness and am in a pretty good frame of mind today. Got the two lawns mowed a...
Invisible Man
So many of my days are spent feeling ghost-like. Am I real? Is reality real? Am I really here? I feel like a visitor from some other plane of existence- an incorporeal wraith drifting thru the ma...
Forward
I’m in a good place as I type this. Other than fighting off damn allergies (which seem to have hit me particularly hard this Spring), I’m doing good. I’m in a good spot with babygirl, and I feel...
Another One
I had another of my repressed anger dreams last night. I don’t know what else to call them. In this one, I was SCREAMING at my sister- calling her all kinds of horrible names. Why? I don’t really...
Detachment
I find I operate much better when I detach a bit. My intensity and obsessiveness get the best of me if I allow myself to get too overly involved with anyone or anything. I over-think shit to DEAT...
Reset
I’ve reset the long-distance D/s relationship with babygirl after a few weeks of downtime from it. I needed a break to clear my head, and she (once again) graciously allowed me to do so. I had to...
Turn The Page
There is nothing to look back upon. I don’t have many “fond memories”- very few in fact. The past is one giant overflowing shithole. A fucking abyss. It’s embarrassing what a fucked up mess I’...
Correlation
There is a definite correlation between my dreams and my mindset as I make my way thru the day upon waking. If I sleep soundly and deeply, with little or no recollection of dreaming, my day goes...
Stagnation
I’m realizing that stagnation is one of the main drivers of my battles with depression and the anger and frustration I seem to constantly feel. I think I’ve know it for quite awhile, but I’m now ...
Scary Cellar
I had another of my intensely vivid dreams last night. I was holding a kitten as I walked around what appeared to be a semi-deserted shopping mall. I think I actually had grabbed this kitten and ...
Stirrings
I’m starting to notice some nascent stirrings within me. A feeling like maybe I’m not content to be the invisible nonentity I’ve been for so much of my life. That maybe I’d like to turn all th...
Goals??
It’s been so long since I’ve though of anything other than just getting thru my days that I’ve lost the skill of goal-setting. Making plans. Having wants and desires. A future. If I don’t want l...
Finally...and Finality?
FINALLY- 86 blessed, sun-soaked degrees. It’s been a long, long winter and spring, and now just maybe- here on May 2- we may have finally turned the corner with our weather. First mow of the year...
Serpents In The Garden
I am a damaged, broken man. I have been cowardly and weak much of my life. I have failed to take sufficient responsibility for myself. I have lacked proper self-vigilance, and as a result I have...
