Underwater in 2023

I feel like I’m underwater today. Last night, I had one of the most intense nights of dreaming I’ve ever had interrupted by the worst case of cottonmouth I’ve ever experienced. I woke up at 4 AM completely disoriented by my dreams and unable to swallow. I was so dry that the roof of my mouth actually hurt. Am I becoming more of a mouth-breather as I sleep? Why has this winter been so much worse for me as far as drying out when I sleep? I sat on my bed and gulped down two bottle of water as I was still half inhabiting my dreamscape. I’ve lost most of what I was dreaming about now- I just know it was about people becoming aware of a secret compartment I possessed and them trying to make the keys to it fit in order to unlock and open it. The entirety of the dream escapes me but I know my dream mind was acting as a clearinghouse of sorts. There were lots of snippets of moments of my life- people, places, and things, and then that secret compartment that no one could get into.

I awoke to the voice of Boo talking to my parents downstairs. He had dropped his car off at Macek’s and had walked over to wait while they worked on it. I got myself oriented as well as I could and went downstairs and proceeded to listen to him talk for 3 hours. I’ve learned how to be in a conversation without really being IN the conversation through the years because there are so many days I’m not fully mentally present. Today was another example of that- I interjected the right prompts , asides, and body language to appear engaged in what he was telling me (stories that I have heard before about his past work experiences and anger management issues) but I really wasn’t there. I know how to disappear within a conversation and become a blank slate for the person I’m talking with to fill in with their personal anecdotes , recollections, and opinions. I would venture to say no one really has the first clue to who I am (and I often don’t know myself) because I am so completely other-directed in my interactions with people.

Now, I’m sitting at my computer listening to WEXT’s playlist of Black music in commemoration of MLK Day and still trying to come back into reality. As much as Latuda has helped me stay level and non-depressed, the dreams it causes really kick my ass. As I move forward, I really need to discover a way to jump into my day and escape the clutches of dreamworld. My dreams are more real than reality quite often. My day-to-day existence pales in intensity and vibrancy when compared to the mental circus I encounter night after night. Today was tough because I was bombarded by Boo before I had much of a chance to transition into the real world. But generally speaking, I need to find a workable strategy to successfully dissipate the deep feelings and thoughts I usually awake with. I feel like my dreams are by and large beneficial, and that they have allow me to continue to work through a LOT of repressed thoughts and emotions,- but there are days, like today, in which I never fully make it back into reality.