Redefine22
Entries 81
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Forward in The Truth (As I Know It)
I’m in a good place as I type this. Other than fighting off damn allergies (which seem to have hit me particularly hard this Spring), I’m doing good. I’m in a good spot with babygirl, and I feel...
Another One in The Truth (As I Know It)
I had another of my repressed anger dreams last night. I don’t know what else to call them. In this one, I was SCREAMING at my sister- calling her all kinds of horrible names. Why? I don’t really...
Detachment in The Truth (As I Know It)
I find I operate much better when I detach a bit. My intensity and obsessiveness get the best of me if I allow myself to get too overly involved with anyone or anything. I over-think shit to DEAT...
Reset in The Truth (As I Know It)
I’ve reset the long-distance D/s relationship with babygirl after a few weeks of downtime from it. I needed a break to clear my head, and she (once again) graciously allowed me to do so. I had to...
Turn The Page in The Truth (As I Know It)
There is nothing to look back upon. I don’t have many “fond memories”- very few in fact. The past is one giant overflowing shithole. A fucking abyss. It’s embarrassing what a fucked up mess I’...
Correlation in The Truth (As I Know It)
There is a definite correlation between my dreams and my mindset as I make my way thru the day upon waking. If I sleep soundly and deeply, with little or no recollection of dreaming, my day goes...
Stagnation in The Truth (As I Know It)
I’m realizing that stagnation is one of the main drivers of my battles with depression and the anger and frustration I seem to constantly feel. I think I’ve know it for quite awhile, but I’m now ...
Scary Cellar in The Truth (As I Know It)
I had another of my intensely vivid dreams last night. I was holding a kitten as I walked around what appeared to be a semi-deserted shopping mall. I think I actually had grabbed this kitten and ...
Stirrings in The Truth (As I Know It)
I’m starting to notice some nascent stirrings within me. A feeling like maybe I’m not content to be the invisible nonentity I’ve been for so much of my life. That maybe I’d like to turn all th...
Where else but Upstate NY can you be in a snow advisory one week and a tornado watch the next? Winter morphed into Summer while completely bypassing Spring- and now the windstorm is bringing ba...
Goals?? in The Truth (As I Know It)
It’s been so long since I’ve though of anything other than just getting thru my days that I’ve lost the skill of goal-setting. Making plans. Having wants and desires. A future. If I don’t want l...
Finally...and Finality? in The Truth (As I Know It)
FINALLY- 86 blessed, sun-soaked degrees. It’s been a long, long winter and spring, and now just maybe- here on May 2- we may have finally turned the corner with our weather. First mow of the year...
Serpents In The Garden in The Truth (As I Know It)
I am a damaged, broken man. I have been cowardly and weak much of my life. I have failed to take sufficient responsibility for myself. I have lacked proper self-vigilance, and as a result I have...
“An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion....” That basic law of nature certainly applies to me. If I don’t make a conscious effort to keep moving and stay motiv...
You Can Lead A Horse To Water... in Musings
It’s a basic conundrum of life that continually confounds me- Why do people make choices NOT in their best interest so readily and with such frequency? There was a book about this out not too lo...
So Far, So Good in Musings
At this point, the conscious and serious effort I’m making to harness my emotions seems to be working. I’m finding myself much more calm and balanced. Even tonite, with another encounter with a c...
The Snake at the Door in Musings
I had a really weird dream last night. I was frantically holding the front door tight and trying to keep a monstrous green snake from pushing its way into the kitchen. The kitchen was set up the ...
HERE & NOW in Musings
One of my biggest challenges is keeping myself in the here and now. My mind has a tendency to drift back in time- reliving both missed opportunities and the events that have caused me pain and sa...
Serenity Now in Musings
I’m making a serious effort to keep my emotions at a distance. My life-long tendency has always been to lead with my heart. As much of a neurotic as I can be, my heart has been in control of my d...
A Reminder in Musings
I needed a day like today. I needed to be reminded just how important I am to the people in my life. My sister called this afternoon and asked if I would meet her and Ty at school. He’s struggli...
Fortune Cookie Wisdom in Musings
“Emotions hide the true self.” I was a bit taken aback when I read those prescient words last night. That’s EXACTLY what I’ve been trying to work on lately- to calm the emotional storm in...
Regret is insidious. Regret is relentless. Regret will latch it’s inky poison into your every synapse until the only words your brain can form are “If only”. Regret knows no logic. Regret will ...
Storm Clouds in Musings
I woke up from a dream today in which a much, much younger me had just let out a primal scream of pure anger ,and then proceeded to throw three sets of car keys at my mother and then rush her an...
Thru The Looking Glass in Musings
We are most definitely in alternate universe mode when Nicole Wallace of MSNBC holds up her time in the Bush Administration as a paragon of competence and sound judgement when attempting to desc...
Solid Ground in Musings
After a year of being lost in a maze of reverie and what-ifs, I feel like I’m finding my footing again. It feels good to have both feet firmly planted in the real world. I’m a classic INFP perso...
