Redefine22

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I’m in a good place as I type this. Other than fighting off damn allergies (which seem to have hit me particularly hard this Spring), I’m doing good. I’m in a good spot with babygirl, and I feel...


I had another of my repressed anger dreams last night. I don’t know what else to call them. In this one, I was SCREAMING at my sister- calling her all kinds of horrible names. Why? I don’t really...


I find I operate much better when I detach a bit. My intensity and obsessiveness get the best of me if I allow myself to get too overly involved with anyone or anything. I over-think shit to DEAT...


I’ve reset the long-distance D/s relationship with babygirl after a few weeks of downtime from it. I needed a break to clear my head, and she (once again) graciously allowed me to do so. I had to...


There is nothing to look back upon. I don’t have many “fond memories”- very few in fact. The past is one giant overflowing shithole. A fucking abyss. It’s embarrassing what a fucked up mess I’...


There is a definite correlation between my dreams and my mindset as I make my way thru the day upon waking. If I sleep soundly and deeply, with little or no recollection of dreaming, my day goes...


I’m realizing that stagnation is one of the main drivers of my battles with depression and the anger and frustration I seem to constantly feel. I think I’ve know it for quite awhile, but I’m now ...


I had another of my intensely vivid dreams last night. I was holding a kitten as I walked around what appeared to be a semi-deserted shopping mall. I think I actually had grabbed this kitten and ...


I’m starting to notice some nascent stirrings within me. A feeling like maybe I’m not content to be the invisible nonentity I’ve been for so much of my life. That maybe I’d like to turn all th...


May 05, 2018

Windblown in Musings

Where else but Upstate NY can you be in a snow advisory one week and a tornado watch the next? Winter morphed into Summer while completely bypassing Spring- and now the windstorm is bringing ba...


It’s been so long since I’ve though of anything other than just getting thru my days that I’ve lost the skill of goal-setting. Making plans. Having wants and desires. A future. If I don’t want l...


FINALLY- 86 blessed, sun-soaked degrees. It’s been a long, long winter and spring, and now just maybe- here on May 2- we may have finally turned the corner with our weather. First mow of the year...


I am a damaged, broken man. I have been cowardly and weak much of my life. I have failed to take sufficient responsibility for myself. I have lacked proper self-vigilance, and as a result I have...


April 22, 2018

Inertia in Musings

“An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion....” That basic law of nature certainly applies to me. If I don’t make a conscious effort to keep moving and stay motiv...


It’s a basic conundrum of life that continually confounds me- Why do people make choices NOT in their best interest so readily and with such frequency? There was a book about this out not too lo...


April 20, 2018

So Far, So Good in Musings

At this point, the conscious and serious effort I’m making to harness my emotions seems to be working. I’m finding myself much more calm and balanced. Even tonite, with another encounter with a c...


April 19, 2018

The Snake at the Door in Musings

I had a really weird dream last night. I was frantically holding the front door tight and trying to keep a monstrous green snake from pushing its way into the kitchen. The kitchen was set up the ...


April 18, 2018

HERE & NOW in Musings

One of my biggest challenges is keeping myself in the here and now. My mind has a tendency to drift back in time- reliving both missed opportunities and the events that have caused me pain and sa...


April 17, 2018

Serenity Now in Musings

I’m making a serious effort to keep my emotions at a distance. My life-long tendency has always been to lead with my heart. As much of a neurotic as I can be, my heart has been in control of my d...


April 15, 2018

A Reminder in Musings

I needed a day like today. I needed to be reminded just how important I am to the people in my life. My sister called this afternoon and asked if I would meet her and Ty at school. He’s struggli...


April 15, 2018

Fortune Cookie Wisdom in Musings

“Emotions hide the true self.” I was a bit taken aback when I read those prescient words last night. That’s EXACTLY what I’ve been trying to work on lately- to calm the emotional storm in...


April 14, 2018

Regret in Musings

Regret is insidious. Regret is relentless. Regret will latch it’s inky poison into your every synapse until the only words your brain can form are “If only”. Regret knows no logic. Regret will ...


April 13, 2018

Storm Clouds in Musings

I woke up from a dream today in which a much, much younger me had just let out a primal scream of pure anger ,and then proceeded to throw three sets of car keys at my mother and then rush her an...


April 12, 2018

Thru The Looking Glass in Musings

We are most definitely in alternate universe mode when Nicole Wallace of MSNBC holds up her time in the Bush Administration as a paragon of competence and sound judgement when attempting to desc...


April 11, 2018

Solid Ground in Musings

After a year of being lost in a maze of reverie and what-ifs, I feel like I’m finding my footing again. It feels good to have both feet firmly planted in the real world. I’m a classic INFP perso...


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