Zombieland in 2023

I heard “All You Zombies” by The Hooters earlier today- a blast from the past (mid ’80s?)- and it got me to thinking about how that describes so much of my life up to now. Because of my interpersonal and mental health issues, I’ve lived like a zombie for so long. Going though the motions and just trying to survive and being afraid to truly live. I feel like that now, at age 56 1/3, I’m finally waking up. Going back to school and finishing my degree has been the best decision of my life. My brain slowly came back online as I worked my way through my course load, and I am continuing that reanimation process daily. I’m no longer an automaton and I’m finally leaning into my interests and aptitudes after decades of being shut off from myself. When I look back, I see someone who was completely lost in the wilderness- someone beholden to the anxiety and depression that was all-consuming and who hid away from any meaningful attempts to live a life of value and affirmation. How could anyone know me if I didn’t know myself? How could anyone care about me when I had so little self-regard?

Now the challenge is to learn how to live. It’s unsettling -and a bit embarrassing - to be a man of my age and feel like I’m just starting. The calendar is against me. So much of my life has come and gone, and I’ve missed out on the prime of my life. I have little in common with my age cohort, yet I’m old enough to realize that the generation gap is real. Where do I fit and is it possible to find some comfort and meaning while being such an outlier in the “normal” scheme of things? As much as I’m alive in a way that I never have been, I’m still unsure of where I belong and what my path should be as I move forward. I’m going to pursue the UB Rehab Counseling application process and let the chips fall where they may as far as whether I get accepted or not. And it’s time to start seriously pursuing employment now that I have my psych degree in my pocket. For the most part, I remain a work in progress. I’m not sure exactly where I’m headed and I don’t have any anchors in my life to keep me grounded and focused. But, I’m AWAKE- and that’s a state of being that I haven’t consistently embodied since I was a kid. The days of Zombieland are behind me- for GOOD, I hope- and I’m open to life in a way that is both terrifying and exciting. Onward....