Time Traveler in 2020

One of the biggest challenges that I face is keeping myself in the here and now. I find myself daily- several times a day actually- wandering into the past. It’s like when I was a child and had just lost a tooth. I had an almost obsessive need to poke my tongue into the pocket where the missing tooth had been. Now, as a middle-aged adult, that need to poke and prod what is no longer there manifests itself in the the habitual way I retrace the path of my life. All the tributaries- both big and small-branching off the river of my life that if followed may have led to a different outcome. Logically, I know the absurdity of it. No matter how many times my mind wants to go back to some crucial intersection- no matter how much I wish I took the left turn instead of the right- it will never change things. How many times a day do I stop and ask myself “How did I get here?” And that inevitably leads to some flashback to my youth where when faced with a choice or decision I chose to either hide or walk away. The years of floundering have created a permanent imprint on my mind- a road that I relentlessly trace almost unconsciously over and over and over. Being of an analytic bent, I think that if I go over it enough times I’ll eventually discover some Big Truth that will send me on the path toward contentment and happiness. Something crucial I missed along the way. Some signpost that I misread or ignored. I think I’ve done a good job recently of shedding a lot of the excess that floats around my brain, and of focusing on the positive and reaffirming rather than the negative and toxic. Keeping myself anchored in the present is the next obstacle to navigate around. The pull of the past- the fervent need for a life re-do- is like a magnet of misery that I need to resist. The only thing that is controllable is the here and now. Moment by moment. It’s time to stop my journeys into the past and hang up my time traveling shoes for good.

Last updated January 10, 2020