Baseline in 2023

I feel like I’m at a healthy baseline for maybe the first time in my life. Sometimes it takes a few steps back in order to prepare yourself to move forward, and I feel like that’s what the last few months have been for me. I had another discussion Monday with my cousin when I took him to his nerve ablation procedure. He’s been through a lot of the same mental health challenges that I have, and while our life histories are quite different, our struggles with bipolar depression and thoughts of suicide during the lowest points of our illnesses provide a bond that has brought us closer together lately. We both agree that while to the outside world we may not appear “successful” in the traditional way, we both have succeeded by simply still being here. The statistics certainly point to the fact that millions of people never make it out of the darkness and to the other side of the personal hell and anguish and utter helplessness and hopelessness that they feel. The fact that we’re both still here and able to talk about our experiences is a form of victory that most people will never understand.

It’s both comforting and motivational to be able to talk to someone, especially a family member that I grew up with, about things unique to those who battle lifelong mental illness. Like me, he learned how to mask his darkness, press forward, and not let anyone know just how much he was hurting. Knowing that there is someone who really gets it and with whom I can honestly discuss things in a raw and honest way without them freaking out is a source of great relief for me. The one thing that has been always lacking in my life is any sense of true connection with anyone- someone that honestly understands what it’s like to have your belt and shoelaces taken away when you’ve been admitted to the inpatient psych ward for fear of what use you may put those objects to.

I’m miles and miles away from those days now- as is he- but the memories don’t fade. Nor does the nagging fear that one bad day or misstep may lead me down the rabbit hole back into utter despair and a desire for an ultimate solution. And he gets that. Just knowing that someone else KNOWS what it feels like to be suicidally depressed, and what it’s like to bounce back from that and try to piece together a life in the aftermath of decades of struggle is a source of strength for me as I prepare to move forward from my new baseline.