It took awhile, but winter has definitely settled in- and I friggin’ HATE it. Now comes the battle I always wage with myself until Spring arrives. This isn’t the seasonal depression stuff I typically get in November and December. This is just pure hatred. Hatred of cold and snow and ice and slush and layers of clothing and aching joints. Hatred of cold floors and ice scrapers and winter boots and cleaning up slop at work night after night. It gets harder each year, and the urge to relocate grows stronger each year. And all that winter hatred stirs up the demons in my head that like to poke at me with all their poisonous bitterness and resentment. Self-pity. Self-loathing. I’ve gotten better at turning the volume down on the dancing devils that skitter along the edges of conscious thought and insinuate themselves into my perceptions of the world. But when I let my guard down and feed them with my unhappiness and frustration, it feels like those demons become parasitic worms burrowing into my brain. It’s hard to shake them, and all the progress I’ve made seems to pale in comparison to the desire- the NEED- to self-immolate. Luckily, I’ve become strong enough to ward off this insurgency within my mind for the most part. And in time, the demons and dancing devils and parasitic worms all retreat back into the periphery and I live to fight another day.
Last updated January 22, 2019