Self-Sabotage (Voices) in 2023

As I start climbing again, my biggest obstacle is ME. As much as I have worked to find my authentic self, the voices in my head persist. Voices that have been with me from my earliest memories and that tell me I’m not worth it, I’m not good enough, and ultimately “what’s the point” because I will never be the person I think I should be. I have accepted that those voices will be with me until the day I die. I am a neurotic, over-thinking, self-critical, highly sensitive person and it takes MUCH energy and focus for me to stay on track.

I’ve talked to therapists about my tendency (NEED) to self-sabotage. Is it fear of failure, fear of success, or an unexplained desire to self-cannibalize? I’ve spent a lifetime trying to decipher my appetite for avoidance and stagnation and just what it is that makes me so fearful of accomplishment. I’ve sat on the sidelines my whole life, and even now, after achieving the completion of my degree in psychology, I haven’t felt any real sense of pride or satisfaction. Rather, I criticize myself for it taking so long to accomplish something that I “should” have completed decades ago. I berate myself for all the lost years and ultimately spiral into a state of paralysis and inaction.

I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin, and I don’t know if I ever will be. I think, however, that I’ve learned to keep the voices in my head confined to a background channel- Muzak for the Neurotic. Every so often, those voices break through and demand to be heard and that’s when the threat of self-sabotage becomes more prominent. As I move on from this extended “plateau” I’ve been on the last few months and start climbing again in earnest, I have to accept that I will have traveling companions that would like nothing more than to see me careen backwards down the slope of progress and self-growth that I’ve worked so hard to ascend.