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I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep waiting for you to want me like I want you. To love me like I love you. Now I just need to find a way to tell you. Xx

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I have a million questions. I have no idea where my life is going. What are we doing? Where is this going? Are you ever gonna give me 100%? Will you ever love me like I love you? What are you af...

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I’m craving a bit of stability. I feel like it’s a bit all or nothing. Good days are so good, bad days are bad. Bad days mean barely any contact, long silences, messages unanswered, no phone call...

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Things have improved greatly lately with John. He reports feeling so much better. Of course I’m insanely grateful that we seem to have turned a corner. He bought me a little surprise last night,...

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Oh boys and girls, John has just told me he loves me lots. I know it sounds crazy to be excited that my boyfriend of 15 plus months has said that to me but honestly, it’s been a while since he’s ...

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I’m tired of being lonely I’m tired of missing you I’m tired of going to bed alone every night I’m tired of second guessing I’m tired of not knowing how long this will go on for I’m tired of not ...

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I’m tired of being lonely I’m tired of missing you I’m tired of going to bed alone every night I’m tired of second guessing I’m tired of not knowing how long this will go on for I’m tired of not ...

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So I told John how his behaviour made me feel. I know he’s having a hard time and there’s things I can let slide but he still knows what’s dickish behaviour and what’s not, and how to have common...

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John is working again, at the leather workshop. Obviously this is a good thing. He was there all weekend, so promised we’d do something tonight, that he’d be done by 5. He text me at 22.50 to say...

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You guys, I’m so excited! I’m making my own website, I’ve been working on it for a while now, and i can finally link my domain name on 29/9/14 so it’ll all be up and running then. Basically I ne...

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I miss you. Words can’t express how much. I’ve just got home from our pizza date and I miss how easy it was, how happy we were, how tactile we were. We’d hold hands, you’d throw your arm around m...

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So john went to the doctors yesterday. By Sunday evening, when he had said he needed to work himself up to seeing me, and he’d let me know what time, then hadn’t let me know a time, I drove to hi...

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Went to a wedding yesterday, a family friend. My mum’s best friend’s daughter, she’s the same age as my sister and we all grew up together. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a churchy person, at...

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Big row with my dad. Sick to the back teeth of him giving me the third degree about John as if he’s only got a broken leg and it’s miraculously gonna heal overnight. I’m sick of the implied ‘wha...

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I took myself off to the beach last night to get out of the house and try to clear my head. I took my camera along and took some grotesque photos of washed up jelly fish and dead crabs, it appeal...

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John has asked for time. Exactly how much time is anyone’s guess, he said ‘probably a few days’. There’s definitely an air of déjà vu going on for me. The last few guys I’ve been with have asked ...

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I started this chapter so I could write about the things I appreciate about John. So even in the tough times I could remind myself that it’s been good and will be good again. I told him the othe...

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I feel like I’m being punished for all the things that other people have done to john in the past. The people who bullied him in school for being fat, or having a stammer. The girls who cheated o...

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I literally don't even know where to start. I was working Friday night, and as giddy as a kid at Christmas knowing it was my last night after a long month of the things. I'd seen john earlier in ...

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I'm exhausted. My head is banging. Every time I get in the car on my own I end up crying. It's the only place I can get any privacy. My life is an endless round of running round after everyone, ...

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I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Ideally, it's 50/50. Give and take, in equal measure. But real life isn't like that. You have a bad day at work, you go home and moan at your...

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One of my patients is dying. He's in his mid fifties. In the name of providing better care for families whose loved ones die in hospital, we now have access to camp beds for their loved one to sl...

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It's days like today that make me feel like we're existing in a weird kind of half-relationship. I worked last night, had three hours sleep, I'm knackered. But it's a beautiful day out there, if ...

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I remember the days when my safari feed was full of shoes I was coveting from afar, today it's full of sertraline and SSRIs and mental health forums and pages about anxiety disorder. He's talki...

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He took the pills. Said he's been reading online, that generally for the first couple of weeks things are the same or worse but after that things improve without you even realising. I don't kn...

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