Argument in Dear John

Big row with my dad. Sick to the back teeth of him giving me the third degree about John as if he’s only got a broken leg and it’s miraculously gonna heal overnight.

I’m sick of the implied ‘what are you going to do?’ As if they’re waiting for me to say I’m going to walk away. I’m not going to walk away from him. If the roles were reversed and he walked away from me, they’d have something to say about that wouldn’t they?

He was like what’s he going to do about this illness? I was like I’ve already told you he’s going to the docs, he’s on tablets, he’s doing everything they’ve asked of him. What else do you want me to tell you? He was all excuse me for being concerned. I just don’t know why he keeps asking me the same question as if the answer is going to suddenly be different.

And the ‘how are things with you two?’ question. How about my boyfriend has no emotion, not even for me, he doesn’t want to see me or talk to me, I’ve never felt more alone, even though he insists he still wants to be in a relationship with me, it feels like I’m not in a relationship. I’m struggling to hold it all together and the incessant third degree is making it so much worse. If I have something new to tell him he’ll be the first to know, but things are just as shit as they have been, if not worse, it’s not really something I want to sit and discuss in depth.

I know he’s just worried but it’s the implication that because we don’t live together, or that we’re not married, that there’s no committment. They always treat my brother and sister’s relationships with absolute reverence yet mine are always some kind of joke and I’m absolutely fed up of it.

I have to go babysit a small child all weekend, her mum and dad are getting married today, and I’m taking her home after the wedding and minding her til tomorrow. She’s six months old, she’s gorgeous, and so good. But it does raise the question in my mind, yet again, as to whether I’ll always be Aunty jo or whether I’ll ever get to have my own babies.

So many questions are in my head right now, and I don’t even have answers for them myself, let alone to give to other people. I’m so fed up of always being the strong one, it would be nice for once if someone wanted to be strong for me, to be my rock.

Xx