Weathering the storm in Dear John

Things have improved greatly lately with John. He reports feeling so much better. Of course I’m insanely grateful that we seem to have turned a corner.

He bought me a little surprise last night, an ornamental bird cage candle holder. It’s well known amongst my friends that I’m easily pleased by trinketty, vintagey things. My day to day jewellery is housed in a cut glass pot from a charity shop, similar to one my nan had when I was a child.

It’s just a small gift, but the symbolism behind it is hugely significant. He saw something that made him think of me, and thought I would like it, and went to the trouble of surprising me with it.

He also apologised for being a tit lately. His words. I actually think he’s being unfair, he hasn’t been a tit at all, he’s been unwell and now he’s feeling better. I’m so glad he’s feeling well, but a tiny part of me is also glad that he’s recognised how difficult things have been for me too. I don’t think he necessarily had to apologise but it’s nice that he has, it’s a very thoughtful gesture, and one of the things I’d been missing I suppose.

It’s definitely one of the things that worried me in the darkest days. What if he never got back to being anything like normal, considerate, thoughtful. What if his ‘back to normal’ wasn’t back to himself. I don’t feel like I was silly to worry about that, what do you do if the boy you love is never quite the boy you love again? Luckily, he’s doing ok.

He even stayed on Saturday night. We got some wine, watched a film, cuddled up in bed. I’m very aware that the antidepressants make him tired so I had no real expectations for the night, other than that it would be lovely to curl up in the same bed together for the first time in months. I was surprised to say the least when we were all cuddled up and he took hold of my hand and moved it down..... suffice to say a good time was had by all and a few tears were shed afterwards.

It seems like we’re coming through the other side. It’s been a long time coming, and I’m well aware that this probably isn’t the end of things but I feel positive and happy for the first time in a long time, and more importantly so does John.

Xx