Nightmare in Dear John

It's days like today that make me feel like we're existing in a weird kind of half-relationship. I worked last night, had three hours sleep, I'm knackered. But it's a beautiful day out there, if a bit chilly, the perfect day for blowing away the cobwebs. Except it's no fun on my own.

John text me this morning saying he'd had another bad night with nonsense dreams and felt funny off the pills. He was going to get showered and walk the dog. I'm sure he came home exhausted and went back to bed, he's probably sleeping now.

I miss him. I miss him so much I can't even begin to say. Part of me wonders, when all this is over and he's feeling better, if he'll ever wonder what this did to me. If he'll ever ask me what it did to me. I'd give anything for him to give me a proper hug, squeezing me tight.

Watching him go through this is one of the hardest things I've had to do. I asked him the other day if I was doing his head in, I don't know what the right thing to do is in this situation, I don't know if he wants to talk or to just be left alone. He said that I'm perfect, whatever that's supposed to mean. He said his mum has been great through all of this. I hope, selfishly, that he's saying the same about me.

I just feel like we're so distant. And it's not for lack of effort on his part, he's doing the best he can, and so am I, and we just have to hope that it'll all come right in the end. But right now, honestly, it's like being in the middle of a nightmare I can't wake up from. I'd like to think he'd stick by me if the shoe was on the other foot but honestly, I don't know if he would have done. I don't know if he could handle it.

I just feel physically sick. I can't help but wonder which bits of our relationship have been real and which bits he's been faking and putting a brave face on.

Xx