Wonder in Dear John

I’m tired of being lonely
I’m tired of missing you
I’m tired of going to bed alone every night
I’m tired of second guessing
I’m tired of not knowing how long this will go on for
I’m tired of not knowing if things will ever be back to ‘normal’ I’m tired of wondering if you’ll ever be capable of giving me 100%
I’m tired of wondering if you want to
I’m tired of being strong for us
I’m tired of thinking we’ve had a good day then you pulling away again the next day
I’m tired of thinking we’ll never beat this

I’m bloody exhausted, dealing with this. I feel so alone. Everyone keeps asking how long can you go on like this, before you walk away. No one seems to realise that walking away isn’t an option, because I don’t want to.

I just wish things would get better. It feels like some days there are some small victories but I can’t envisage a time when they add up to anything like having our lives back. It’s been two months since we even went to sleep in the same bed. I miss that.

I spend more time on my own that anything. I’ve had three weeks off work, and I’ve spent most of it being trekked around by my mum. Everyone keeps asking why me and John didn’t go away, what to say, he’s been catatonic, that’s why.

Everyone keeps saying I should have gone to London to see lis, or should have gone here or there. I don’t believe in running away from the problem. It’s just gonna be there when I get back.

I keep wondering if John might realise what he’s got if I wasn’t there for a bit but honestly, I’m ten minutes down the road and i wonder if he thinks about me at all when we’re not together. I certainly know that we wouldn’t have seen half as much of each other if I hadn’t asked him if he wanted to do something each day.

I wonder all the time how he feels about me. If he still loves me, if he’s still attracted to me, or if it’s too much for him to even think about that right now. It’s been so long since we even kissed properly.

I’m worried that all this is changing me too. What if he gets back to himself and I can’t get back to being myself? There’s no intimacy, no closeness at the moment. I know it hasn’t been lost, it’s just gone awry, but I’m worried that things won’t be the same.

Things have been so awkward. He’s been so uncertain about everything that even holding my hand has seemed a mammoth task. I’ve been reluctant to force myself on him in terms of physical contact because I don’t know if he wants me to even touch him.

It just all feels like a big mess.

Xx