Revelations in Dear John

So john went to the doctors yesterday. By Sunday evening, when he had said he needed to work himself up to seeing me, and he’d let me know what time, then hadn’t let me know a time, I drove to his house. It is ridiculous that he needs to work himself up to seeing me, it is ridiculous that he thinks he can do this on his own.

He wasn’t in, he’d taken himself off with the dog. His mum dragged me and in and forced me to drink tea, and I told her I didn’t know what to do because he didn’t seem to want to see me, and his uncle showed up and we chatted about a lot of things, including John.

I’d like to think I spurred him into action, I sent him a message saying I was there, and that things couldn’t carry on the way they were, that shutting me out was stupid and making us both more miserable.

So the docs yesterday, changed his meds to a different antidepressant and also a beta blocker. And she’s referred him for CBT which I think is essential and he’s more than happy about. He wants to talk and he wants things to change.

We had a long chat about our relationship yesterday, and he said it’s never ever been about our relationship. We confessed we’d both thought about what it would be like to break up, I said that I kinda looked at it as this illness being a temporary thing that was making me upset, but mostly what was upsetting me about it was him shutting me out, whereas breaking up would be a permanent misery and not what I wanted.

He said when he thought about his life without me in it, that wasn’t what he wanted. He said that he genuinely thinks I’m perfect, and that of course everyone has faults but there’s nothing about me he doesn’t love. Quite eloquent for a guy who still says he feels emotionless!

I suppose that’s the one positive in all of this, we’ve had to genuinely evaluate our relationship, which most couples don’t really do, and come to the conclusion that we genuinely want to be together, and to work through this together. It’s going to be a long road, I’m well aware of that, and as positive as yesterday was, I know that every day is going to present it’s own challenges and today might be a bad day again. I hope that he’ll tell me though, and won’t shut me out, I think he’s realised that that hasn’t worked.

Xx