Time in Dear John

John has asked for time. Exactly how much time is anyone’s guess, he said ‘probably a few days’. There’s definitely an air of déjà vu going on for me. The last few guys I’ve been with have asked me for ‘time’ right before they ditched me.

Admittedly john wants time to sort his head out because of all the other shit going on in there and has told me several times that he wants to be with me and isn’t doing this to mess me around. That I know. I know it’s not personal, but it sure feels like it.

Like a friend pointed out, what do I have to lose at this point giving him what he wants? Worst case scenario he wants to break up, and that’s already what’s going through my mind. Best case scenario he gets some clarity and comes back to me. It’s just that that’s easier said than done. I already feel like I’ve lost him.

I know if my head was a mess and I’d asked him for time, I wouldn’t be able to think about my own stuff for worrying if he was ok. Then again, I’m not the one having a breakdown and I think it’s safe to say there’s no room in his head for anything concerning me right now.

I’m just so angry right now. Whatever he needs the time for, he knows I’ve been in this position before and he knows what it’s done to me. I want to punch him in the face for being so selfish. He keeps telling me he knows he’s being selfish, and I keep telling him I can’t change that for him, that’s something he has to address for himself.

I’m stuck in limbo. As far as I’m concerned, probably just a few days is a cop out. What if it’s longer? It’s been 4 weeks already and if anything he’s the worst he’s been, especiLly since starting the tablets.

I know when you meet someone you can’t for see them having a mental breakdown but I honestly never thought he’d hurt me like this. And that’s going to be something he’s not going to want to deal with. I just hope that’s not a factor in any of his decision making, that this is going to be just another thing that he can’t face dealing with so wants to sweep it under he carpet and pretend it never happened.

Xx