Rebalance in Dear John

I remember the days when my safari feed was full of shoes I was coveting from afar, today it's full of sertraline and SSRIs and mental health forums and pages about anxiety disorder.

He's talking to me which is good. Even at 2am, which seems to be the worst time. I asked him about writing things down, he said at the moment his brain is working 100 miles a minute and nothing makes any sense to even get on a page. It's nothing specific just a load of jumble.

In a way I'm glad john's a self professed geek. He's always been interested in how things work, taking them to pieces to see what's happening inside. He's approaching this whole thing the same way. He knows how the human brain works, it's all electrical really. So he knows the things that are happening right now, since he started the meds, is just a case of the receptors in his brain rebalancing.

It makes me so sad when we talk that it's all I can do to stop myself sitting and crying. I know this isn't about me but I'm in it too. And there's nothing worse than not being able to talk to john about it.

About how I'm so fearful that something terrible is going to happen, every time he doesn't reply to my messages for hours, every time I text him good morning, and don't get a reply for ages, I'm so fearful it takes my breath away. He's reassured me he's not in the least bit suicidal. But you never know if something might change.

I know, realistically, that he's sleeping. I know he's up half the night, that's his worst time. I know this from the messages I get at 2/3am every morning. I know the pills are making him feel sick, I know his brain won't switch off once he gets into bed. I know one of the side effects of the pills is tiredness anyway. I know all this.

He always says I'm dramatic. I just said to him last night that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me going through this, he'd be worried sick. He conceded that point.

I'm glad I have good friends to talk to about this, it feels awful not being able to talk to john about it but I'm cautious not to put any more pressure on him, I know he'd feel guilty about the way I'm feeling and it's not his fault, it's just a product of the circumstances.

Xx