Entries 38

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Things are not easy. Things are not easy at all. John is much better, but still not 100%. We’ve had a very tough time. He’s told me he doesn’t know why but he can’t seem to treat me right, and t...

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I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep waiting for you to want me like I want you. To love me like I love you. Now I just need to find a way to tell you. Xx

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I’m craving a bit of stability. I feel like it’s a bit all or nothing. Good days are so good, bad days are bad. Bad days mean barely any contact, long silences, messages unanswered, no phone call...

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Things have improved greatly lately with John. He reports feeling so much better. Of course I’m insanely grateful that we seem to have turned a corner. He bought me a little surprise last night,...

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Oh boys and girls, John has just told me he loves me lots. I know it sounds crazy to be excited that my boyfriend of 15 plus months has said that to me but honestly, it’s been a while since he’s ...

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I’m tired of being lonely I’m tired of missing you I’m tired of going to bed alone every night I’m tired of second guessing I’m tired of not knowing how long this will go on for I’m tired of not ...

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I’m tired of being lonely I’m tired of missing you I’m tired of going to bed alone every night I’m tired of second guessing I’m tired of not knowing how long this will go on for I’m tired of not ...

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So I told John how his behaviour made me feel. I know he’s having a hard time and there’s things I can let slide but he still knows what’s dickish behaviour and what’s not, and how to have common...

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John is working again, at the leather workshop. Obviously this is a good thing. He was there all weekend, so promised we’d do something tonight, that he’d be done by 5. He text me at 22.50 to say...

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I miss you. Words can’t express how much. I’ve just got home from our pizza date and I miss how easy it was, how happy we were, how tactile we were. We’d hold hands, you’d throw your arm around m...

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So john went to the doctors yesterday. By Sunday evening, when he had said he needed to work himself up to seeing me, and he’d let me know what time, then hadn’t let me know a time, I drove to hi...

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Went to a wedding yesterday, a family friend. My mum’s best friend’s daughter, she’s the same age as my sister and we all grew up together. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a churchy person, at...

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Big row with my dad. Sick to the back teeth of him giving me the third degree about John as if he’s only got a broken leg and it’s miraculously gonna heal overnight. I’m sick of the implied ‘wha...

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John has asked for time. Exactly how much time is anyone’s guess, he said ‘probably a few days’. There’s definitely an air of déjà vu going on for me. The last few guys I’ve been with have asked ...

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I started this chapter so I could write about the things I appreciate about John. So even in the tough times I could remind myself that it’s been good and will be good again. I told him the othe...

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I feel like I’m being punished for all the things that other people have done to john in the past. The people who bullied him in school for being fat, or having a stammer. The girls who cheated o...

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I'm exhausted. My head is banging. Every time I get in the car on my own I end up crying. It's the only place I can get any privacy. My life is an endless round of running round after everyone, ...

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I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Ideally, it's 50/50. Give and take, in equal measure. But real life isn't like that. You have a bad day at work, you go home and moan at your...

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It's days like today that make me feel like we're existing in a weird kind of half-relationship. I worked last night, had three hours sleep, I'm knackered. But it's a beautiful day out there, if ...

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I remember the days when my safari feed was full of shoes I was coveting from afar, today it's full of sertraline and SSRIs and mental health forums and pages about anxiety disorder. He's talki...

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He took the pills. Said he's been reading online, that generally for the first couple of weeks things are the same or worse but after that things improve without you even realising. I don't kn...

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I can't express in words how much I love John. Or the reasons why. It's never been a 'perfect' relationship, but he's perfect for me, and makes me ridiculously happy and giddy. There is nothing...

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I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. You feel so far away and distant, not my john at all. I want to make this better, for you and for us. I'm a nurse, it's what I do, I fix things, fix ...

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I don't even know where to begin. John is off work, with stress. He can't take the constant abuse from customers when there are no cars available, because when you've booked a car online you ex...

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It's fair to say things have been up the wall this last couple of weeks. John has decided to go part time in his job to pursue setting up his own company doing leather repairs and restoration. ...

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