Crying shame in Dear John

I'm exhausted. My head is banging. Every time I get in the car on my own I end up crying. It's the only place I can get any privacy.

My life is an endless round of running round after everyone, and worrying about everyone. Leaves me to wonder if anyone is worrying about me. With all this John stuff going on, he certainly isn't sparing a second thought to me and what I've got going on in my life.

I hope it'll all be worth it. I hope when were through the other side of this that he'll be my shoulder to lean on. That he'll realise how difficult it has been to deal with him being unwell and keep all the other plates spinning as well. I'm terrified the thought won't even enter his head.

I feel so alone right now. I feel like I could break my heart crying but I know if I start and unleash the flood, I'll never stop. I don't know what to do. I don't know if it'll all be worth it and persevering and trying to be patient will be the best decision I've ever made, and I'll end up with everything I've ever wanted. Or if I'll be walking away broken hearted to start again. What if he feels no differently about things, what if his fear of it all going wrong is too great to overcome and we're stuck in some kind if limbo until one of us is brave enough to sever the cord.

I wish I had some answers. I wish I had a crystal ball and knew how this was gonna pan out. I don't know what's right, I don't know what to do for the best. I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's always on loop in the background.

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