Public

idea barrages

by littlefallsmets

Entries 2,233

Page 3 of 90

June 14, 2020

june 16

HARD PILLS TO SWALLOW: Bitcoins are just Beanie Babies for libertarians. In a way, they ARE socially distancing, just with extra steps. Who would wanna hang out with a jackass who goes to a g...


June 14, 2020

june 15

It’ll be like an ice cream truck but we’ll go around selling pens and pencils and paper goods and stuff like that. We’ll call it MOBILE STATIONERY. Your horror show about an Italian chef so b...


June 12, 2020

june 14

It’s a chalupa shell filled with a spicy cheese sauce and Slim Jims. It’s called the Nacho Man Randy Sandwich. What if we get a Democratic governor to tell them to never put salt in their eye...


June 12, 2020

june 13

Maybe we could just tell these people that President Obama said that breathing is really cool and just… see what happens next? At some point, they must’ve called that cologne just Spice. Wh...


June 11, 2020

with a cause

in a universe where decay is written into the very code of how atoms work where entropy will always win the war even if we can hold it off in the battle now and again in a...


June 10, 2020

june 12

Lately, to the tune of the State Farm jingle, I want to greet the dog: “Hey look there’s Ollie, fat tiny bear!” Understanding the sweetness of a good pun streak really only takes getting on a...


June 10, 2020

june 11

Seeing Jack White in a dream is a sign you are going to watch a Tim Burton movie in the near future. Wal-Mart has us so broke by putting all the small businesses that paid better out of busin...


June 10, 2020

june 10

A parody of The Flaming Lips “She Don’t Use Jelly” based around the line “she was in quuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaarintine, quarantine!”? You will do angry punk covers of classic rock staples as THE RO...


June 07, 2020

june 9

I want to show up at a party where I was supposed to bring snacks, claim that I am the snack and then sheepishly go out to the car and get the snacks when no one agrees with me. I still can’t...


June 07, 2020

june 8

A great name for a punk band? Hell-Ron Ubbard. Give to the World Health Organization, saving lives, while Trump cuts off funds to life-saving organizations out of petty spite, calls for civi...


June 05, 2020

june 7

I just realized that Mr. T is powered by self-pity and the T stands for “Tomfoolery”. The mediocre hamburger chain Fuddruckers is trending on Twitter and all I can think of is Trent Reznor sc...


June 05, 2020

june 6

The realization that I am adapting easily to wearing a mask in public because I have worn a full face sleep apnea rig to bed every night since my early 30s.... that is a weird realization. An...


June 03, 2020

june 5

Another good name for a band? “Mahatma Gumby”. I wanna read a story about French philosophers that happen to be dried fruit called LE CALIFORNIA RAISONS. Walkin’ around with toilet paper on...


June 03, 2020

june 4

Mask over both the nose and mouth, people. Remember the face mask rule “If you don’t look like the Shredder, you’re going to be deader.” Without life, there is no liberty or pursuit of happin...


June 01, 2020

june 3

At a certain point, if we ever get to the other side of this, it will need to be The Time Of The Do-Overs. To grant them to other people, sure, but for God’s sake, to ourselves. We will need to...


June 01, 2020

june 2

Alex Trebek over-pronounces “SOPH-O-MORE” like he is trying to chew through drywall while saying it. Despite a decade of college and internships, gynecologists and proctologists leave school ...


May 31, 2020

june 1

Just because someone else refuses to accept your shared humanity doesn’t give you the right to do the same. Your commission to be humane is not thusly discharged. Violence only begets violence....


May 30, 2020

may 31

She suggests that the solution to world hunger is to kill and eat every pop star other than her in Taylor Swift’s A Modest Proposal. Before it hatched, the Maltese Falcon was an egg maguffin....


May 28, 2020

may 30

Rhea Pearlman was produced by forcing Rhea Oysterman to ingest grit and then waiting patiently. Yes but where are all the soft-boiled crime dramas? A leggy dame saunters into a detective’s of...


May 28, 2020

may 29

Did the YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN musical have a “Do You Want To Build A Showman”? number? Maybe Herb didn’t eat a Whopper because they were herbicidal. The fraternity barely got a slap on the wri...


May 26, 2020

may 28

Rand Paul looks like the painting Elon Musk keeps in the attic to age for him. You down with no T.P.? YEAH YOU KNOW ME. You down with no T.P.? YEAH YOU KNOW ME. You down with no T.P.? CHECK T...


May 26, 2020

may 27

I don’t know what would be in the cocktail “The Malty Falcon” I just know it’s a good name for one. The conservative movement sure love states rights when they take rights away from women and...


May 24, 2020

may 26

You will cover television themes as death metal under the band name “Scooby Doom”. No, the weirdest pop-culture mash-up would be Taika Waluigi. You will cover goth music in the style of tin...


May 24, 2020

may 25

Each gun bought thinking you’re making yourself safer makes the world more dangerous. Each violent threat you make against Power makes Power’s violent threats stronger & more justified. Bot...


May 22, 2020

may 24

Step 1: purchase large amount of stick-on googly eyes. Step 2: whenever you see a Back to the Future related thing, paste them over Christopher Lloyd’s eyes. Step 3: wait. Step 4: every time so...


Book Description

originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes