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Don’t say “I haven’t had sex in years”. Say “I’m dry-aging my meat”. It sounds all classy cooking show host.
Your sexy French Super Mario Brothers cosplay will be called Brigitte Birdo.
Would a marijuana edibles baking competition be called a Cookie Chilloff?
By mishandling the response to the Corona virus, leading to the cancellation of the March Madness tournament, Trump’s...
For a stretch of time in the early 20th century, the most effective treatment for advanced syphilis was to intentionally infect with malaria on top of the syphilis. It induced a high-fever that k...
Less misery cults, more mystery cults!
I can see the forest, or any given tree, it’s all those imagined distinctions in-between, that are utterly lost on me.
Political arguments aren’t Supe...
Build a drum kit entirely out of Gatorade containers and perform as The Electrolyte Orchestra.
Your musical about the behind-the-scenes drama behind a cooking show will be called PUREE FOR HO...
So this year, I can say that I’m not going to the Saint Patricks Parade in Utica “because I’m afraid of the Corona virus” instead of stating the truth that I don’t care to freeze and then wade ...
like Snow White if instead
her dire step-mother lived
with her inside her head
hair like half-past-midnight
eyes like autumn rain
skin like baby powder
encapsulates the pain
it’ll all roll back
the skies will clear
drilling wounds fill in
beachside villas wash away
the mars selfishly carved into her
will be pink shiny newness then
in no time at all vanish...
The optimal name for a pet armadillo is “Pinecone”.
Yeah but what if rock n roll doesn’t love you back?
Endeavour at all times to remind the world how goddamned weird everything is. The mor...
Erik Weisz double-named after Houdin
burnt like a dervish, watch Harry spin
jacket unfurled, brass clasps flick
you wonder how he turned the trick
but you don’t really wanna know
If I just called every country act out there “Cody Codyngton” I’d probably be right like 83% of the time.
If you legally change your name to “Serious Inquiries” you’re going to get a leg up o...
Some call it “ruins photography” or “ruin tourism” but the most vulgar term is also the most apt: “ruin porn”. Documenting crumbling infrastructures, in best case showcasing our abandoned but mos...
An adventuring party of five bards that operate under the cover of being a boy band called “Fifth Edition”.
Passion is wonderful as a starting point but it’s no end to itself. Passion is inco...
lines, ancient and meaningless
lines, revered and deadly-arbitrary
the kind of lines that do
divide humanity from itself
to make some con-man a few bucks
to convince us that ther...
Even if you actually thought Woody Allen wasn’t a weapons-grade sex criminal, what a weird hill to die on. He hasn’t had a good idea in years and years, he hasn’t had a new idea in like four de...
March 5th? Only 80 days till spring!
The rallying cry for waking up before 5 in the am “lets do thos before we talk ourselves out of it!”
Order, chaos, law, anarchy, these are all just abst...
“How it should be” is a trap laid to stop you from doing anything. The tools you have before you, as they are, what good can you reasonably do with them now? What little improvements can you ma...
Some people, if they like formal study, they’re academic. Some people like disease outbreaks, they’re epidemic. But if you like both, you’re pandemic.
Your album of Alpine folk covers of Beck...
Sadly, the Doctor was never able to fit the Monster with the soft-rock-singing module he’d been constructing for him, the Michael Bolt-On.
Are you your body or the blood within? Are you good ...
The buggies in my furs, they sometimes hurt but they’ve been on there so long I can’t help but feel like they’re a part of me. They make me itch sometimes but when Momma goes off to work, I know ...
there’s a fever now
inside our heads
and a fever
burns things away
we get a choice
if we can burn up
dreams no longer working
attachments helping no one
we may have a cha...
the words we use and how
we use them manipulate the
very world around us but no
amount of words no matter how
precise could ever define you
a conscious mind is a special
case a micro realit...
Who you were is not who you are is not who you will be.
You are a process in motion, you have been in flux from
the first quickening of your heart to your very last breath.
It’s okay, you coul...
As much as I want to rail against
superstition and magical thinking,
in the end, I realize I’m privileged
to be able to think of it this way.
For so many marginalized people,
I don’t want to colonize your pain.
I don’t want to gentrify your rage.
I don’t want to pretend I can sublimate
your subjugation into my own experience.
I don’t want to lead, don’t want to su...