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1.) Carmel Police, arrest this man, he prefers nougat, he wants it pretzel-filled, he wants some sea salt on it… this is what you get, this is what you get, this is what you get and it’s packed w...
1.) Whenever people talk about safe sex I always hear Marge Simpson saying “Lisa Needs Braces!” & Lenny saying “Dental Dam!” over & over again.
2.) My pitch for a funeral home sitcom is j...
1.) It’s ALMOST like Putin’s fake president will do anything to insult a woman or black man of power & accomplishment.
2.) “Political correctness is killing comedy!” Or… maybe if you can’t be...
1.) Jockeys often win races using stall tactics.
2.) singing “It was called America Dad… about as funny as gettin’ punched in the face… woo-ooo…“
3.) The jackoffs in the pick-up flying a Confeder...
1.) Would a zombie that’s yawning all the time be a necroleptic?
2.) 14 lines of “gotta go fast, gotta go fast” would be Sonnet The Hedgehog.
3.) If you do an internet show about cattle farming a...
1.) The idea that if we just sat down and made friends with Nazi Germany, they’d’ve stopped, is as ridiculous as staying that with the KKK.
2.) I respect gluten-phobes for going against the grain...
1.) Go around with paint and make all the garage sales RAGE SALES.
2.) Have people sing “rabies face, he’s got the cutest little rabies face” then eat an Alka Seltzer and run into the crowd screa...
1.) I believe you that you’re into wind power but you’re probably not its biggest fan.
2.) A working-class gyro is something to eat. A working-class gyro is something to eat.
3.) Everytime I see ...
twice doth the blade fall ‘pon your head
once naming you “sir” twice leaving you dead
once pulling you up twice cutting the thread
once for a fanbase and twice to displace
1.) Better over the hill than under it.
2.) Nobody’s going for my pitch on a crochet shop/hair salon called “Hookers And Blow”.
3.) There was a huge argument over how to light the scene but event...
little Dalek, that is one long and handsome plunger
little Dalek, don’t think you dare to climb up stairs
they all say… in shrill tones
little Dalek, spreadi...
1.) I just want a killer ape to go loose at a tech expo and some developer screaming “You wanted a killer APP?” as he’s clawed to death.
2.) A Star Wars parody of “Chantilly Lace” about Antilles,...
fat dog, made a little doodie
not good, some stuck to his booty
well fine, guess that we’ll be wiping up his back-door, man
this time pissing in the clover
lifts leg, nearly falling over
1.) Physician, heal thyself. Surgeon, suit yourself.
2.) We’re all shape-shifters. It’s just that we don’t have any control over it and it takes months and years to do.
3.) If you think it is fre...
the end is coming but you’ll just
adjust to whatever horrors or wonders
happen to come next
you’ll be someone else then
but you’ll survive, I guess
might be trains or
bombs may rain or
1.) Okay but I can totally multitask. I’ll light a candle AND curse the darkness at the same time. It’s like a two-fer.
2.) Scratchin’ a good kittums named Felix is the best fidget toy of all.
maybe I’ll just start
dipping my balls in nutmeg
come the beginning of September
declare myself Pumpkin Spice
stand in front of the Starbucks
let the ladies in the Uggs
swarm me til I can’...
the fact that Alanis Morrisette did time
on “You Can’t Do That On Television” and
the fact that “You Oughta Know” was mostly
written about her relationship with Dave Coulier
from “Full House...
if only we could let go of this spurious notion that
anyone has any idea what the hell they’re doing
we could make this life pretty nice together
we think if someone has money, they mu...
hope is a fundamentally liminal endeavor
lust and greed and desire are all about
wanting stuff that you can see
coveting stuff you can touch but not hold
grasping for stuff you can tast...
Sometimes, the ego dissolves and you realize how arbitrary your youness is.
How little difference there is between you and anyone else.
How your consciousness is a drop in the ocean of mind lik...
children running in the field like
those little toy cars that smash into walls
then bounce back in some randomized trajectory
children running in the field like late-night moths
1.) Your metal album all about incoherent conspiracy theories will be called “Erich Von Dokken”.
2.) Fan-fiction where the original four-armed evil Grimace takes over and rules McDonaldland with ...
1.) The dog is burying bones that they may be found by future barkyologists.
2.) If Willy Wonka had owned a soup factory, we could’a called it “Who Wants To Be A Bouillon Heir?”
3.) Oh, so they c...
1.) Make America Eat Again.
2.) I’VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE, PACK YOUR BAGS WITH CHICKEN ICE.
3.) There is a Deep State but it’s not what you think. It is an army of two million Deep Roy clo...