april 14 in idea barrages

“Relax,” he told her, as if that wasn’t the hardest thing to do in the entire universe.

If they’re going to keep making Jurassic Park movies, not because the sequels have been good but because they inexplicably make money, they could play into Crisp Rat being a weirdo fundamentalist and make JURASSIC WORLD: THE RAPTORTURE.

The gift of Mets fandom is that it makes the other things hurt less.

Why call it “spent uranium” when you can call it “fission chips”?

I love it when victims of a grift try to explain that it isn’t a grift to someone. Using the parlance of carnies and prowrestling, I like to call it “marksplaining”.

Is a digital booty call from a sub “bottom text”?

A politician dressed in a pink shirt for Barbie has ten thousand times the dignity of a politician in whatever the hell golfers’ clothing is called.

I hope someday Aquaman writes a self-help book titled A PORPOISE-DRIVEN LIFE.