Entries 3,528
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j20
How can you write a wizard tournament and not call it SUMMONERSLAM? That’s a missed trick, for sure. Found out there’s a Chicago “pizza” chain called Lou Malnati’s and they want you to b...
j18
If there is a heaven, I hope that you get there with a D-minus, just barely squeaking in, that you had a little fun along the way to the forever. Within the Burger King’s burger kingdom,...
j16
I read someone referring to themselves as “natural blonde” and my eyes saw “neutral blonde” and instantly my brain generated a Hair Colour Alignment Chart for Dungeons and Dragons. I think m...
j14
So, what you’re telling me is, Ben & Jerry didn’t do a DUNE tie-in dessert treat called FRANK SHERBERT? Really? If they’d only asked. I didn’t tell them because I figured it was too obvi...
j12
Punky Brewster’s stereotypical Boston identical cousin Punky Worcester. A hack of Super Mario Brothers 2 to make it about the Flanders family from The Simpsons and it’s called “OKIE-DOKI...
j10
It’s weird being on a medicine for its intended purpose when it’s gotten so trendy for its off-label use. Like, man, I know you’re just trying to cut 20 pounds for beach season, but me, I’m ...
j8
Paying for an ad-free online experience is like encouraging a school yard bully by giving him what he wants. You give him what he wants, next time he’ll be back for even more! You pay them, ...
j6
Ask someone acting all sullen: “dude, who wamboed your Combos?” …how has Christopher Lloyd never played the Batman villain “Mr. Freeze”? It seems almost too obvious. Already has the “I w...
j4
Perhaps olives have all been exposed to the horrors of the dating scene in their 30s and 40s, that’s why they’re so damned salty and bitter. I understand, olives, I really do. Getting yo...
j2
A stoner super-spy whose love interests are all named, like, Drugs O’Plenty or Maryjane Sweetleaf or whatever. Three word movie pitch: “Wreck It ALF”. Did they ever do a Supersoaker ...
m31
In “Yo Yogi” I could never quite parse out whether the bear was wearing brown pants or whether that was the bear’s furry legs. The bear had a shirt & socks & shoes, possibly also ska...
m29
Title something ENGLISH AS A FINAL LANGUAGE. You shouldn’t judge people by the haircuts of the people they’re dating. You shouldn’t. It doesn’t matter that you would be absolutely correc...
The doctors have all told me I’m the last person on Earth who has to die, that is to say, the last human being who will ever die of old age or the euphemistic “natural causes”. People can still ...
m27
If I had THAT kind of confidence, man, I’d either be king by now or dead twenty years ago. Fearing the stigma of having actually declared bankruptcy, he attempted to file for Chapter Who...
m25
Why say “polearm combat training” when you could say “staff development day”? You can’t spell Penelope without “elope” so stay safe out there. At least Love Me Do was never in a Moun...
m23
Norm MacDonald would’a been the best version of The Joker ever to grace a silver screen. “Hey, yeah, guy, I’m the Joker, my name is Joker. Yeah! It’s a great name, yeah, it’s not bad. Anyway...
m21
I hope that at Chuck E. Cheese’s funeral, they will somehow use the phrase “anchovs to anchovs, crust to crust” during the giant singing dancing mouse robot’s final internment in the Earth, ...
m19
A solid name for a Southern gothic horror host character would be “Morguenolia”. In Canada, they call donut holes “Timbits”. Here in the Northeastern United States, we call them “Munchki...
m17
What are your D&D character sheets if not rolling papers? The background noise from a living dead flick, that’s just zombiance. E.T. looked like a foreskin made a poop and I have...
m15
“Why don’t pictures like this never trend?” Because they’re weird janky AI fakes, that’s why. Maybe if they were of real things that actually happened, sure, they would actually trend. But s...
m13
Lately, Kid Rock looks like he’s been spending all day coating raw chicken in meth and then rubbing it all directly into his eyeballs. Combine the viral Wonka experience thing with all t...
m11
The fourth less-well-known wise man brought, you know, diapers, formula, a baby carriage, stuff like that. He was the Practical Magi, see? Garfield is actually short for “Gartholomew”. ...
m9
The weirdest thing about how around the bend on materialism we are is that, like, if you want your children to end up good people, the easiest way to make sure that never happens is to be ri...
m7
The weirdest thing about how around the bend on materialism we are is that, like, if you want your children to end up good people, the easiest way to make sure that never happens is to be ri...
m5
It’s a hell of a thing, we don’t get to be gods in flesh or by half as demigods or anything like that. We all just got this little faint stain of it there in our almost entirely animal mixtu...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
