Entries 3,134
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april 26
Sometimes I think I should sue Goldfish crackers because I’m the REAL snack who smiles back. The worst part about human life is that it ends but the best part is that it happens at all. How...
april 24
At the strap on factory, all jobs are entry level. To eat Micro Magic Microwave French Fries was to be living in the future. Perhaps the future died when we rejected those damned marvels, lea...
april 22
If we were meant to have hardwood floors, God or nature or evolution or whatever wouldn’t have given us feet designed perfectly for walking on lush fluffy grass with springy soil beneath, natur...
april 20
“Maybe we can lose these guys tailing us at the airport, there’s so much security there, they can’t make a scene without getting arrested.” “That’s brilliant! We’ll hide in plane sight!” Reme...
april 18
The Science School Bus, using super-science to bring students into strange realms so as to teach them how magic works. Why call it “sex lube” when you can call it “oil du soiree”? The borde...
april 16
Carpet diem, hug the floor! A great pen name would be “Justin Dure”. The irony that the people on the internet who think there’s a conspiracy culturally training us to each bugs also worshi...
april 14
“Relax,” he told her, as if that wasn’t the hardest thing to do in the entire universe. If they’re going to keep making Jurassic Park movies, not because the sequels have been good but becaus...
april 12
Bands shouldn’t have a “Final Tour”, they should be honest and call it the “Pre-Reunion Tour”. Eventually their individual needs for attention or money will overwhelm their hatred for each othe...
april 10
LESS CONCERN ABOUT EARNING POTENTIAL, MORE CONCERN ABOUT YEARNING POTENTIAL If you’re not there yet, lemme tell you, one of the fun things about getting old is when you hear “nostalgia tours”...
april 8
“Oh man, I’m sorry I forgot you’re a vegetarian.” “No problem, no ham, no fowl.” We may as well give Willy Wonka a nemesis who is a TikTok chocolate influencer called Hustle Stovers. Someti...
april 6
A movie about a serial killer whose calling card is a box of Milano cookies called PEPPERIDGE FARMS REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. When the suits aren’t taking a cut, they tell artists t...
april 4
If I had any musical talent, I’d craft an summer rock anthem called “I’m Handsome For A Thick Boy”, not only for all the other chonky dudes to gain confidence, but for myself, since it’d be my ...
ap2
If they can build a bottle opener into every folding knife ever, they can probably build them into big dangly earrings in a way that isn’t obvious to anyone but the wearer, right? Is this the n...
ap1
It turned out that Carmen Sandiego was in San Diego the whole time. Yeah. Reverse psychology is a key weapon for international thieves, apparently. You don’t get many opportunities to retort ...
march 30
You have completed the 101 class, watching Barbie and Oppenheimer as a double feature, “Barbenheimer”. Good. Now onto the advanced lesson, watch Frankenhooker and Toxic Avenger back to back or,...
march 28
You have completed the 101 class, watching Barbie and Oppenheimer as a double feature, “Barbenheimer”. Good. Now onto the advanced lesson, watch Frankenhooker and Toxic Avenger back to back or,...
march 26
If you ever have the opportunity to respond condescendingly to The Pringles Guy, please start your retort with the words “My brother in crisps”. Thank you. A parody of “Dancing In The Moonlig...
march 24
How about a law where no one can get another yacht until they’ve entirely finished eating their first one? Sometimes life feels like a collections of times they didn’t say “yes” because you t...
march 22
The opposite of story is not silence. The opposite of story is spectacle. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes a mix of the two opposites is a glorious thing, but always story first and spectacle seco...
march 20
Nearly any advertising campaign could use the slogan: THE PAST OF THE FUTURE IS NOW. A Neil Young parody about awful chain bar food called “Buffalo wildwings again”. Then there was, of cour...
march 16
A half-funeral parlor half-ice cream stand called “The Creamatoria”. I deeply enjoy referring to Phil Collins as “former Genesis drummer Phil Collins”. I don’t know why. I think maybe I just ...
march 14
The relative percentage of weird British food in your diet is your “aspic ratio”. Every failure protected you from a “success” that you would’ve discovered you didn’t actually want or couldn’...
mar12
Oomp, there it was. Oomp, there it was. The idea you can “win” life as it were a sport or a game is a lie they tell you to divide you, to make you war over scraps while pigs on high feast, to...
mar10
All I know is that if this were D&D, this Supreme Court would not be able to pass a Constitution check. Did they ever sell Shrek-branded yogurt as Ogrut? Seems like an unforced error to n...
mar8
I love the idea in fantasy fiction of a character who is accidentally strong against true-name magic because they don’t know their own true name. So out of tune with the mystic that they’re res...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
