Entries 3,264
Page 1 of 131
j14
A kids book about Santa’s housecat, Felix Navidad. If your feet hurt while astral projecting, you might be suffering from planar fasciitis. A moment of feeling genuinely good looking...
j12
I now demand a sequel to Angels in the Outfield where Satan helps New Jersey win a Stanley Cup called DEVILS ON THE ICE. I now demand slangs for ALL the D&D stats, Rizz, Stitz, Genz,...
j10
A parody of THE BLACK PARADE about psychology would have to start with the line “when I was / a Jung boy / my father / took me into the city / to see a Freudian”. You can’t use art to fo...
j8
It’d be about, like, a goth girl detective, like a goth Nancy Drew and it’d be called MORBID CURIOSITY. No one had told me that Lou Barlow from Dinosaur Jr had slowly morphed into a tiny...
j6
Is there anything sadder in college football than celebrating “bowl eligibility”? Congrats, you won six games, 3 of which were against directional cupcakes. You get to play in a game named ...
j4
People who decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving lack elf-control. The worst part of THE LAND BEFORE TIME was how the fat little stubby dinosaur seemed to have a vulgar “o-face” in ...
j2
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling you why, Vulcans repress all their emotions. The only way to make William Joel’s “Piano Man” even slightly inte...
dec 31
It baffles me when folks try to use relationships to change someone instead of going after someone who has the traits they want from the start but I guess that’s our culture. You grab onto w...
dec 29
When you type “happy b-day!” on social media, my brain reads it as “happy bidet!” I like to believe that somewhere there exists his good twin, a humble and mentally stable man named Kan...
dec 27
And then there is, of course, Olive’s new-age cousin Essential Oyl. The estate attorney couldn’t help herself, she was so attracted to you, she tried to hold you against your will. T...
a barrage for chrimbo
An Undertale graphic novel would involve comic Sans. Fencers, practice your dodges and jukes against a genuine fainting couch. Now, if you’ve been bad little boys and girls, the Toot...
dec 23
It’s just vodka, tonic water and blue curaçao. It’s a Vodka Sonic. When someone overvalues possibility against what they have, you say “a bird in the hand’s worth two in the bush”. When ...
dec 21
Youtube knife nerd videos are the best place to gather stage names. If I’m ever a NASCAR driver, you will know me as “Rust Magnacut”. If we only voted for the person who agreed with us o...
dec 19
Why say he was “killed when he was hit by a car” when you could say he had an “auto immune deficiency”? A movie about class conflict amoungst merpeople called THE GILLED AGE. If you...
dec 17
A software mod can be a real game changer. The real mistake in Space Force was the name. The Air Force isn’t the Sky Force, Space Force should’ve been called The Vacuum Force. That would...
dec 15
I’d love to read film review very low expectations being barely met. “It wasn’t too long, it was brightly colored, the performers attractive, a fine excuse to purchase children’s snacks in p...
dec 13
A Ted Danson hosted documentary series about astronomy called “Danson, With The Stars”. The Smurfs theme song but as surf rock. Smurf rock. A spooky bakery called Kneadful Things. ...
dec 11
Sometimes when people say “namaste” I honestly hear “nah, I’m gonna stay” and I get terribly confused. You’ll never witness the process of a small cut to your body healing, but every day...
dec 9
Gravy-making ironically starts with a fond farewell. As with most children’s songs, “Where Is Thumbkin” would be really creepy sung in a slow minor key and horror movies trailers have be...
dec 7
A magicians’ retirement community in Voilavoila, Washington. Why call it “your ex’s perfume” when you can call it “old bae seasoning”? If you solely drink Labatts and Molson, you don...
dec 5
Next year, you could fill a box with a spooky treat for each day of October and call it a Vladvent Calendar. It’s weird being so old you can remember when Saturday Night Live was funny. ...
dec 3
Some point in their life, every writer has to ask themselves “am I not finishing this because I’m a perfectionist, am I not finishing this because I’m lazy or am I not finishing this because...
dec 1
If Taco Bell workers weren’t so horribly underpaid, I would order a quesadilla and when I got it, I would be like “one? just one? I ordered an entire CASE of dillas!” but, like, they suffer ...
nov 29
Upton Funk, diseased meat packing (woo) / Upton Funk, diseased meat packing (woo) Why say “sleep paralysis demon” when you can say “gets me stiff at night demon”? A Christmas parody ...
nov 27
Snow, I don’t mind, as long as I don’t have to shovel it. Just don’t start playing “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses, the only Christmas music more grating than Mariah Carey or Michael ...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
