Entries 2,035
Page 5 of 82
oct 12
Doctor Frankenstein clearly mistook the meaning of the team-building exercise. When a comic book series seismically alters the status quo, I’m less interested in what’s new. more interested i...
oct 11
They are maximizing the monetization of your fandom by weaponizing it against you, flipping your head canon around, pulling the cord and watching you explode into a chunky salsa of word of mout...
oct 10
I was into polyphasic sleep back when they called it “waking up from nightmares every three hours”. If you discuss old arcade games long enough, you can eventually get to the pop cultural ref...
oct 9
If you are engaged to marry someone for their money, is she or he your financee? Is Batman’s costume Waynescoating? Regrets, once seered roughshod in my flesh like scars, now thrown into th...
oct 8
When the natural gas explosion killed twenty, Hank Hill was found guilty on charges of “accessory to propane”. “I’m not into dry-humping or anything like it,” she said, “frottage is mostly ju...
oct 7
It’s a history of Scandinavian languages called “From start to Finnish”. If only instead of “Last Blood” they had called it “Rambo Number Five” I could’ve written you an Oscar Best Song winne...
oct 6
Selfishness, survival of the fittest, the sociopathy of individual focus may have gotten us out of the trees and caves but after that point, everything else was empathy, cooperation, collective...
oct 5
Maybe the REAL Cotton Eyed Joe was the friends we made along the way. If I was the receptionist to a palm reader, I would always answer the phone “I know who you are.” I like that the guy f...
oct 4
“So why are we going to start World War 3?” “We gotta defend Saudi Arabia from Iran, bro! 9/11, bro!” “Wait, who were all the funders and most of the suicide bombers in 9/11, again?” “Saudi Ara...
oct 3
Why call it “loss of virginity” when you could call it “initial pubic offering” instead? The fear they’d see your love as a millstone about their neck, you know, yourself as a heavy load, dra...
oct 2
A distant future where the estate of Sasha Baron Cohen sells the rights to the Borat character for the purposes of selling Borax. “Clean clothes. Nice!” A future archeologist finds a Keurig m...
oct 1
If I was a narcotics cop, I would train “undercover” drug sniffing dogs that aren’t, like, henched-out German Shepards but, like, nervous little poodles that no one suspected of being a narc. C...
sept 30
In my head-canon, the redhead from the B-52s is the daughter of Miss Yvonne from Pee Wee’s Playhouse. I hate when folk dunk on thinking Fahrenheit 451 was about censorship when “Bradbury said...
sept 29
An elderly GNR cover band called DNR. Mantras are really just trance formers. The Bills being better than the Giants or the Jets is like being the smartest guy at a Trump rally. Technically...
sept 28
What’s easy is probably fake, momentary at best. For better or for worse, luck probably gets you there but after that, you gotta figure out how to stay. And every day older is a day less luck i...
sept 27
Hacks wanna make it look easy. The true masters aren’t afraid to let it look as hard as it actually is. Is there like a theremin vocoder combination? A theracodoer? Take your memories back,...
sept 26
Have regrets. Have tons of them. A person without regrets is either unselfexamined or boring. Or they’re just pretending to seem tough. I have more regrets than stars I can see in the night sky...
sept 25
Sometimes I’ll see couples holding hands in a weird intense way before a meal in a restaurant and assume I’ve stumbled onto a proposal but it turns out they’re just praying thanks or grace or w...
sept 24
No, radio stations, holding onto the terrible wacky morning shows pumped in by satellite but ditching live local DJs is the OPPOSITE of saving your business model, even if it is cheaper in the ...
sept 23
Your mind is not your brain but it is in there somewhere. You are not your body but you are in there somewhere. Debates like diabetes, I would rather starve myself, I would rather take unplea...
sept 22
Late summer nights like these, hot by day, cooler but still humid in the evenings, where the loneliness of singledom really kicks in. The crickets or frogs or whatever sing, wish I could share ...
sept 21
You will write your Goonies fan-fiction under the pseudonym “Chunk Tingle”. There was, in the middle 1940s, an English teacher at Berkeley High School who taught both Philip K Dick and Ursula...
sept 20
If Elvis had faked his death, he’s surely dead by now either way, the same as Hitler, the same as JFK, if there were aliens in Area 51, they’re surely long gone, dead or alive, Paul’s still wri...
sept 19
Happy challahdays, happy challahdays, may rich eggy breads keep bringing, happy challahdays to you. “Lego” is Swedish for “caltrop”. I want Neil Young to meet a Vulcan just so he would resp...
sept 18
A dual purpose rolling pin and bowling pin called “the meta-pin”. A butterfly is just a moth with a P.R. flack on retainer. Only today did I realize that the Blockbuster Video logo looked o...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
