Entries 3,222
Page 5 of 129
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If they can build a bottle opener into every folding knife ever, they can probably build them into big dangly earrings in a way that isn’t obvious to anyone but the wearer, right? Is this the n...
ap1
It turned out that Carmen Sandiego was in San Diego the whole time. Yeah. Reverse psychology is a key weapon for international thieves, apparently. You don’t get many opportunities to retort ...
march 30
You have completed the 101 class, watching Barbie and Oppenheimer as a double feature, “Barbenheimer”. Good. Now onto the advanced lesson, watch Frankenhooker and Toxic Avenger back to back or,...
march 28
You have completed the 101 class, watching Barbie and Oppenheimer as a double feature, “Barbenheimer”. Good. Now onto the advanced lesson, watch Frankenhooker and Toxic Avenger back to back or,...
march 26
If you ever have the opportunity to respond condescendingly to The Pringles Guy, please start your retort with the words “My brother in crisps”. Thank you. A parody of “Dancing In The Moonlig...
march 24
How about a law where no one can get another yacht until they’ve entirely finished eating their first one? Sometimes life feels like a collections of times they didn’t say “yes” because you t...
march 22
The opposite of story is not silence. The opposite of story is spectacle. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes a mix of the two opposites is a glorious thing, but always story first and spectacle seco...
march 20
Nearly any advertising campaign could use the slogan: THE PAST OF THE FUTURE IS NOW. A Neil Young parody about awful chain bar food called “Buffalo wildwings again”. Then there was, of cour...
march 16
A half-funeral parlor half-ice cream stand called “The Creamatoria”. I deeply enjoy referring to Phil Collins as “former Genesis drummer Phil Collins”. I don’t know why. I think maybe I just ...
march 14
The relative percentage of weird British food in your diet is your “aspic ratio”. Every failure protected you from a “success” that you would’ve discovered you didn’t actually want or couldn’...
mar12
Oomp, there it was. Oomp, there it was. The idea you can “win” life as it were a sport or a game is a lie they tell you to divide you, to make you war over scraps while pigs on high feast, to...
mar10
All I know is that if this were D&D, this Supreme Court would not be able to pass a Constitution check. Did they ever sell Shrek-branded yogurt as Ogrut? Seems like an unforced error to n...
mar8
I love the idea in fantasy fiction of a character who is accidentally strong against true-name magic because they don’t know their own true name. So out of tune with the mystic that they’re res...
march 6
Tennessee Williams was interesting but I bet Florida Williams’ plays would be BONKERS. The information overload on the teevee and computer can make society, can make reality itself, seem like...
march 4
A Scottish cheese shop called Loch Ness Munster. Yeah, I’m into fitness. Fittin’ ‘is body back under the covers. I’m honestly surprised not one brought back The Harlem Shake for The Grimac...
march 2
Cynicism is a joke. Literally it’s a joke. And it can be a quite funny joke, a brief amusing subversion of the truth, a laugh that can allow us to relieve the pressure of life. But for God’s sa...
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Self exploration is not decadence, it is the natural state of being alive. The fact that it hasn’t been beneficial to the ruling classes in recent societies doesn’t make it decadence. It is ...
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A retro computer gaming store that exploits our nostalgia for the past. An Emotional Babbages, if you will. “Pearl necklace” is so crude when you could say “boobricant”. Not a mid life cris...
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People think I’m either being too humble or performatively insincerely humble on a fairly regular basis. Thing is, there’s a sliver of me, the worst part of me, that could be the most arrogant ...
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The best name for a country-western drag queen has just been right there, all along, “Tanya Tucker”. Wordsmith, wordsmyth, words, myth. You know that cliche where they’re shocked how banged...
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The horn solo in Neil Young’s “After The Gold Rush” is the most Canadian thing to ever exist, and I mean that in a good way. We Americans would be too afraid of coming off too nostalgic and mau...
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An alternate universe where Frankie Avalon attempted to revive his career as a trapeze artist and tragically died because he attempted to work without Annette. A sign on a parking space outsi...
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Shallow hopefulness isn’t my bag. It seems like it but, rest assured, it’s a hard-earned hopefulness. A grasping pleading hopefulness. Good things are exceedingly difficult to find and harder t...
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We need a word for a cultural product that one has zero interest in but feels like they should have interest in, for purposes of cultural momentum and nostalgic pressure. I would say “Lucasfilm...
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The secret to intergalactic travel will be in having paint thinner and paint fattener annihilate each other, generating pure energy. We’re just waiting for someone to invent paint fattener. O...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
