Entries 2,035
Page 2 of 82
dec 26
You know those rigged carnival games where you’re supposed to shoot all the colour out of a star with a bee-bee gun but the only way to actually win is to blow a circle out around the circumfer...
dec 25
Weekend At Bernie’s 2 is LITERALLY about the dangers of trying to have a beach body. Some day, the workstation based AIs will sass at the newer AIs with the full android bodies for being ungr...
dec 24
It sounds too pat and simple to say “D&D is long form improv with math” but… D&D is long form improv with math. The theme song to a furry adaptation of Friends would involve the line ...
dec 23
One generation hated the malls because they tore up the local stores. Our generation hates the superstores and Amazon for tearing up the malls. Time’s a flat circle, everything’s a cycle, I won...
dec 22
Secretly, LOL never meant Laughing Out Loud. It always meant Living On-Line. I love how the little snakey dude believes he’s significant enough for anyone to even consider someone treading on...
dec 21
She converted to the Norse faith late in life but converted with zeal, a real bjorn-again. Baby Yoda, do do, do not, do do, do not sung to Beck’s “pay no mind” : tonight the sector is full ...
dec 20
A tender ballet about a young charismatic rock star Billy Corrigan blossoming into a weird paranoid wrestling promoter and it’s called ZWAN LAKE. I have no idea why anyone would want to see M...
dec 19
When people like Kanye West “speak for God” they are saying they believe they are God, just with a thin veil of politeness over their delusion. Dude should be under intense psychiatric care, no...
dec 18
Some people, when a bonfire starts to go out, will then proceed to stand around and bitch in the cold, demanding someone else make another. I am more the kind to instead bring a votive candle t...
dec 17
The children of Abraham have it wrong, I fear, history is not a straight line toward one big glorious ideological explosion. It’s the Norse who had it right, all we can do is hold off Ragnarok ...
dec 16
I see your signal right up there in the sky, you say you’re vengeance and you say you’re the night, go punch a clown, go punch a clown, I’ll tell you once more before you’re knee deep in gore, ...
dec 15
I’m not saying that you have to mash up Black Magic Woman and Sober, I’m just saying that you should. Holy communion is mass-produced. The incompetent herpetologist couldn’t tell an asp fro...
dec 14
I feel like dingos just need a rebranding. No one would be afraid of a “g’day mutt”. On top of all the other problems with the soft rock song “Centerfold”, like, what does he think he’s “savi...
dec 13
You’ll know they’ve started running out of nostalgic properties to re-make when they try starting the Punky Brewster Animated Cinematic Universe with PUNKY BREWSTER AND GLOMER: GLOMING THE CUBE...
dec 12
People kill and die in revolutions. Evolution slowly weeds out the failed for the new. Forgive me if my empathy outweighs my impatience and I’d prefer an evolution instead. We are healthy to th...
dec 11
Yeah, I was singing Rocky Mountain High about Ricky Martin. Sure. Why not. There is a world of difference between being proud of yourself despite your troubles and being proud of being messed...
dec 10
Tightrope walkers need to maintain work-life balance most of all. Ours is probably the only other universe, other than the HOME IMPROVEMENT universe itself, where Americans would be dumb enou...
dec 9
An argument in a sauna can quickly escalate into heated debate. If the pope swapped out the Swiss Guard for a bunch of warrior nuns to ensure his safety, would they be an order of protection?...
dec 8
You have no idea how many times I thought they were saying Donkey Kong in the song WINDS OF CHANGE before I realized they said Gorky Park. If I were on a campaign bus through Iowa, I would de...
dec 7
All I know about “modern” country is that their names could all be the names of like mid-tier WWF wrestlers. I’m pretty sure there’s some dude out there named Luke Bryan but I’ve no idea if he’...
dec 6
A reality show about tracking and confining business people trying to manipulate public policy so that they don’t have to pay their fair share of taxes called Shirk Tank. My love language is ...
dec 5
You’re lucky I don’t know diddly about The Dragonballz else I’d be doing a parody of the entire musical EVITA about Vegeta. A robot band should count off their rhythm in binary. Sometimes I...
dec 4
Before our society completely collapses, we really ought to bury some stashes of McDonalds memorabilia strategically so that the alien anthropologists think the McDonaldland characters were act...
dec 3
If Canadians can somehow stomach the horror that is Clamato, there should be a Canadian protein drink called Mussel Milk. I feel like the disgusting touch screens at McDonald’s are a stealth ...
dec 2
They didn’t need the help of the world’s fattest knight to win the battle but it was nice to know he was there anyway. It never hurts to have Sir Plus. A series of BDSM-themed workout videos ...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
