Entries 3,061
Page 2 of 123
oct 16
A standing desk, that just sounds like double the work to me. At the very least, you should get paid extra for the awkward standing and leaning, pretending you’re being healthy but just hurting...
oct 14
Are people who seem to jump out of planes straight into your DMs “parasocials”? There’s a weird legislated nostalgia for Blockbuster as “the best video store” but unless you wanted the newes...
oct 12
I hope Princess Peach and Mario Mario name their daughter Amelia Mario so that people can point at her and be like “It’s Am-y… Mario.” I demand that when Bon Jovi does a farewell tour, he cal...
octo10
Imagine if they made THE BIG CHILL today. Imagine how awful the digitally de-aged flash backs to college would’ve looked, how unnecessary they would’ve been to the plot but some producer who di...
octo8
I also love how some fancy food sound like old timey insults from the 1920s. “YOU TRUFFLED FLATBREAD!” “YOU BLANCHED FIDDLEHEAD!” “YOUR MOTHER’S A PICKLED RAMP!” There is an alternate reality...
octo6
At a low enough resolution, Mickey Mouse and Princess Leia are eerily similar. If you wanna build a Mary Chapin that lasts, don’t DIY that project, hire a trained and bonded Mary Chapin carpe...
octo 4
A parody of Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” (you know, the come my lady, come come my lady) about John Mulaney. John Mulaney, John John Mulaney. The best name for a “pick-up-artist” (if those odious...
sept30
If you’ve hurt yourself while dancing in the club, you may be eligible for twerkers compensation. “Beans beans the musical fruit”? You mean, lentil illness? Bird is drone, turtle is roomba...
sept 28
So many rednecks throwing in with Russia these days, in hopes Eastern European Daddy will repress American minority groups for them, pretty soon “Hootenannies” are gonna be called “Putinannies”...
sep26
All sex is causal sex, if you’re time traveling. Celine Dion covers as metal songs and you call yourselves “Celine Dio”. It isn’t about doing what makes you feel better, it’s about doing th...
sep24
“I had no idea that a man who would go on a reality television show to purchase a mail order bride could turn out to be a narcissistic jackass!” Man, if these things weren’t 115% fake, I would ...
sept22
I MAY have gotten a line on purchasing the sign for the abandoned porn store out on the highway out of town, because I saw them tearing it down, and I’m just saying I’m probably the most awesom...
sept20
You know though, if the Trojans HAD looked a gift horse in the mouth… It’s a shame how many people would appreciate overlaying the lyrics to Thela Hun Ginjeet over the tune of Eleanor Rigby, ...
sept18
Morgan Freeman’s character in ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES was named Azeem. #TheMoorYouKnow Often, super hero films are forced into dark gritty mode, not because that’s what works for the s...
sep 16
Developing your writing is like building furniture on a deserted island. Before you can even have the tools to construct a bed, you have to make the simple tools you’ll use to create the more c...
sept14
A D&D campaign about the aftermath of The Great Modron March would be totally post-modron. The collective term for fifty-two Mondays is “a Case of the Mondays”. If you really think abou...
sept12
You will cover Lou Reed’s METAL MACHINE MUSIC on actual industrial machinery and you will call your band “Computer Numerical Control Music Factory”. Harvey Dangerfield got no respect for bein...
sept10
You know, my generation is so jangled up in nostalgia, we probably have more kids named “Gosalyn” from Darkwing Duck than the actual name “Rosalyn” her name was a comic corruption upon. I’m not...
sept 8
A nun-fetish themed Only Fans account called “Thots & Prayers”. I want Southwest Salads and McWraps back. YOU MADE ME DIABETIC, MCDONALDS, YOU OWE ME LOWER CARB OPTIONS. YOU OWE ME. A b...
sep 6
There was never a porno parody of Jim Varney’s oeuvre titled ERNEST GOES TO TOWN and we’re all slightly lessened for this fact. Would a tasting of New Zealand’s beers be a flight of the Conco...
sept 4
All I’m saying is that The Butthole Surfers’ song “Pepper” ripped so hard that no one else should be able to use that title any more. I’m looking at you, Death Cab for Cutie. See also Elliott S...
sept 2
The procedure had been botched by an unanticipated complication, the patient had nearly bled out on the table. The oral surgeon had a panic attack, balled up on the floor of his office, until a...
august 31
I want to watch the characters in a Fast and Furious movie battle a vampire named Carjackula. And I want Carjackula to win. When you use terms of violence, even in metaphor, eventually someon...
august 29
“You can’t masturbate when your hands are in prayer” said the religious pamphlet. “I take that as a challenge of my prowess!” he thought. Writing while feeling maudlin is a lot like grocery s...
august 27
I think about a generation who practiced duck & cover in school in fear of being nuked by another country, now not giving a damn about kids getting shot in those same schools because owning...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
