idea barrages
by littlefallsmets
Entries 3,119
Page 2 of 125
fb5
If it wasn’t the name of a deadly insect borne illness, “malaria” would be a great name for a flower. “Oh, you know it’s June when you see the malarias in bloom.” Anxiety is a culture, a cult...
fb3
It’s not so much that I take ibuprofen “as needed”, at the level of my chronic back and hip pain, it’s more like part of the recipe of my life. It’s a seasoning of my neural system. I take ibup...
fb1
Imagine a situation where you are morally obligated to cheer for Mark Zuckerberg because the other guy is even worse. I had to let myself become absent-minded to an extent, scatterbrained to ...
jan30
The arrogance and presumptuousness of the wealthy create a stupidity far more dangerous than any mere ignorance could ever hope to birth. As a couple, they decided that a vasectomy would be f...
jan28
Maybe The Weeknd is missing that E because Vampire Weekend bit him and sucked it out and before they were Vampir Weekend. Werner Herzog as Gargamel in a Smurfs movie. That’s it. That’s the tw...
jan 26
Thing is, we all deserve happiness but no one deserves happiness at anyone else’s expense. We all deserve love but no one particular person owes us love. All we can do is try to treat others we...
jan 24
You are wandering through a desert, dying of thirst, aimlessly trying to find water, you will be dead soon. But at least you can use that “long time, no sea” joke you’ve been saving up. It almo...
janu22
I don’t know what it’d look like exactly, but the first person to come up with a viable pitch to Food Network that uses the title FOOD COURT is probably in for a decent paycheck. Now, if Degr...
jan20
If DAVE AND BUSTERS turned out to be founded by Dave Matthews and Buster Poindexter, would you be more or less likely to go to their Grown-Up Chuck E Cheese Without The Cool Robots? Just decl...
jan18
A parody of Modest Mouse’s “Coyotes” about Bronson Pinchot. 83% of fan-fiction can be summed up in five words: “oh no! only one bed!” A Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy porn parody called M...
janu16
I finally had an even better idea for a parody of Steely Dan’s “Kid Charlemagne” than making it about Kid Icarus. GET ALONG, GET ALONG TIM CHALAMET, GET ALONG TIM CHALAMET. One of the lit...
janu14
In Hill Valley California, the Mandela Effect is known as “The Twin Pines Effect”, on account of people who inexplicably remember The Lone Pine Mall being called The Twin Pines Mall. The cher...
janu12
Frankenberry was the cereal. Dr. Frankenberry was the true monster. “Golf! Brought to you by the people who funded the 9/11 terrorist attacks!” is one of those things I never would’ve predict...
jan10
A landscaping fetish involves a lot of weed-whacking and a whole lot of edging. I hope the person who does the medical tests for high-end brothels is called a “notary pubic”. The fact that ...
jan8
Shredder was pretty good with short-term battlefield tactics, but when it came to the long-view planning, Krang was the brains of the operation. A motorcycle that runs on beer called a Barley...
jan6
Yosemite Sam didn’t want to do the appearance and signing at the furry convention his agent offered him but he knew he really needed the money. “Great,” he muttered sarcastically as he signed t...
janu4
If it were easy, everyone would already have it done. Tesla Motors is the Disney Galactic Starcruiser of cars. Constantly pretend to confuse Thomas Pynchon with Bronson Pinchot, “Balki” fro...
janu2
We didn’t call microwaves “Defrigerators” and I think that’s on the all of us. That’s an unforced error. We just weren’t thinking at the time. I hope the first legal marijuana shop in Maine i...
new year bonus barrage
Call all the extradimensional aid you want, that dragon’s still gonna make you into summoner sausage. Ant-Man and The Atom in a winner-take-all diminution derby. I think I’ll call my used m...
dc30
Red licorice is supposed to be strawberry. The most delicious fake strawberry Dow Chemicals’ wildest dreams could conceive. Cherry? Really? We didn’t crawl outta the muck into the trees and bac...
dc28
When the moon parachutes / right on up your own snoot / ParAmore Sometimes to be a good person, you gotta be bad at being a person. Shut off the “achieve, acquire, dominate” drive from our an...
dc26
When a Canadian gets frustrated, they will often say “well, that just bags my milk”. Has there been a stoner comedy about a feudal uprising called “SERFS UP” yet or is this world just perpetu...
dc24
Facebook puts really good looking people who you do not actually know into your “People You May Know” feed just to torment you. It doesn’t make you use Facebook more, though, it makes you want ...
dc22
Head-canon that they’re not called “Pokemon” because they’re “pocket monsters” but because they mutated from eating poke bowls filled with mutagens from Monstano. Where the sperm starts, wher...
dc20
Why has there never been a crossover between the video games COMMAND & CONQUER and CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY? It seems like a gimmie, you guys. There should be more wedding receptions where pe...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes