Entries 3,245
Page 4 of 130
july 7
A BEAUTIFUL MIND except it’s A BEAUTIFUL MID and he’s, like, just a little crazy and pretty good at math. My prison name would be Mitochrondria, of course, as I would be the powerhouse of the...
july 5
The Renaissance Faire may have made a mistake when they called their fashion competition a “Jerkin Off”. I’m by no means a prude about gambling but I kind of miss sports talk. Now that sports...
july 3
I often wonder why Americans call it “the eighth grade” Canadians call it “grade eight” and I guess Brits call it “eighth year”. They’re so close to each other, it’s all the same language more ...
july 1
It’s always been weird to me how most people imagine military faster-than-light space travel as being like an airplane or a sailing ship. I have to imagine it would feel so much more like a sub...
june 29
One thing you can do is press on your navel whenever you urinate, and pretend you’re actually some kind of cool weird dispenser machine instead of an animal that was born and will die. Add a li...
june 27
maybe Yoda wasn’t from a distinct species at all. maybe a halfling and a goblin loved each other very very much and… If bread is called “the staff of life”, is pizza called the ciiiiiiiiiiiii...
june 25
Mario and Luigi’s mother was named Mia, that’s why they go around yelling “Mama Mia!” al the time. Seriously, bill collectors and telemarketers both, if you call me and I answer the phone and...
june 23
I enjoy the weird confluence of how now all genre media is about terrible timelines and then we all go on social media and post about them on our own terrible timelines. Cinnamon Twists: the ...
june 21
Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach become entertainment executives. Has there been a jukebox-musical made out of Springsteen’s work called THE BRUCCICAL yet? A...
june 19
An Eric Clapton parody explaining the hierarchy of angels in Catholic mythology called “Tiers In Heaven”. The head canon that the warriors of Eternia aren’t wearing pants at all, they are jus...
june 17
If they wanna dip into Greco-Roman myth, Count Chocula and Frankenberry could always add a new monster cereal friend The Mintotaur. Game company: “we accidentally made the game too horny, we’...
june 15
When you consider that the Proud Boys are basically just Early To Mid Twentieth Century German Historical Reenactors, it is pretty funny that none of them would know what schadenfreude is, let ...
june 13
You would die if you tried to subsist solely on artificial sugars, all things being Equal. A parody of Stone Temple Pilot’s “Meatplow” about Ronald MacDonald, the Meatclown. A fusion of eve...
june 11
Things that work in a stylized anime setting sometimes look too bizarre/surreal when using real humans in live-action adaptations. The energy of ONE PIECE just looks unsettling w/ real faces ac...
june 9
No one has ever paid money to see a heckler, a referee, an owner or an entertainment executive. At least no one sane. I guess there’s weird cultists. But in general. Are there people who are ...
june 7
Why say “country doctor” when you can say “farmacist”? My brain keeps on mashing up that “Tell Me More, Tell Me More” song from GREASE with “Achy Breaky Heart” as if my mind is trying to puni...
june 5
For those of your obsessed with age limits in American politics, as if that’s someone one of the more pressing problems, just be careful what you wish for, that absolute record-setting moron Vi...
june 3
To this day, I still read “Cardi B” as “Car dib” when I first see it. Part of the difficulty of being a man in his early forties is that you’re shopping and there’s a 30 year old woman and he...
june 1
In the right font, “Shrek” looks like “Sarek” and so if you’re looking to create a new nerdy mash-up meme, you could do a lot worse than fusing Shrek with Spock’s dad. Communion wafers are a ...
may 30
A special detergent for washing blankets called “Oil of Duvet”. A medieval paladin Superman whose arch-nemesis is a bard named Lex Luthier. If only we could get the world to stop mistaking ...
may 28
I’ve accepted I’ll never be able to play a game that requires more unique inputs than a Sega Genesis paddle provides. I had terrible hand-to-eye coordination even before I was old, now I’m also...
may 26
I’m here to do two things, have sex and change the world, and I’m possessed of a frustratingly long refractory period. A comedy act called “Yakov Smirnov’s Grandson Jacob Smith” and you say t...
may 24
Frankenstein performed the first team-building exercise and we all saw how that all turned out. I like to think that Liam Neeson does all these all these awful low-budget geezer-teaser direct...
may 22
Ben Grimm gets kicked out of the Baxter Building and has to move in with Peter Parker, but needs to figure out how to do this without revealing to the world that Parker is also Spider-Man and t...
may 20
Are there stories about the Transylvania Colony in America, before it was divided between Kentucky and Tennessee, being the ACTUAL place vampires come from and they covered up their existence w...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
