🌈 JustWillow 🦄 ⋅ 43

Well-behaved women seldom make history…

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Entries 180

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August 20, 2021

Not okay. in Mental Health

Just really not. Feeling empty and manic and paralyzed and so sad. It was sudden. I think. Maybe I just can’t see it coming anymore. Or didn’t see it this time. This is my least favorite of al...


I think that maybe I have been putting on a happy face for so long that I’ve driven myself into a downward spiral. I’ve pushed aside “negative” emotions, ignored them, and forced myself to focus ...


Prescribed: 10mg twice a day. Actually taking: 5mg in the morning, 5mg about 4 hours later. One day I took another 5mg 4 hours after the second dose but didn’t like that. Side-effects are… the s...


Social Security called today and, after my wonderful conversation with a very nice woman, I feel a lot better about applying. I obviously don’t have any indication that I’m going to be approved o...


I fought back tears and, shaking the whole way, drove to the new job place. At the front desk were two women. I was 30 minutes early. I was shaking like a leaf and suddenly my eyes were full of t...


May 02, 2021

Oof. in Like No One Is Reading

So much anxiety today. Supposed to start a new job in about 3 hours and I have zero spoons. But, I went to bed super early (for me, anyway) last night and woke up early this morning and told mys...


Maybe I could create a character who is just like me except none of the depression and anxiety and bullshit. She’s quirky and silly and a little child-like. She doesn’t get nervous in public. She...


My anxiety. My brain. My mouth. Totally out of control. I suddenly don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. Painful self-consciousness. I talk a lot generally but I talk even more when I’m ...


I can remember, as a small child, watching other children, studying them, and mimicking their behaviors. Trying to, anyway. The one behavior I could never mimic was the sitting still one. I had t...


April 26, 2021

Too much. in Like No One Is Reading

I just am. Too much for myself, too much for anyone else, just too much. I’m equal parts overwhelmed and overwhelming. It was said that I am seeing things through “this lens of ADHD” and, reall...


“Dissociation is a break in how your mind handles information. You may feel disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, memories, and surroundings. It can affect your sense of identity and your pe...


April 24, 2021

Boring. in Like No One Is Reading

I feel so bored with myself. I’m boring. I’m painfully aware of how boring I am. Time slows down. Nothing matters. It’s like I’m outside, looking in at my boring self, being critical of her. I pi...


My mother always told me that. Teachers, bosses, friends. Everyone. I talk too much. It is the worst and most painful of all of my trauma responses, the most difficult for me to deal with, becaus...


I have raging PMS and everything makes me cry. I have a bit of a sore throat, too, but no fever. Swollen glands, not sore on the inside, and no more than my usual (ex-cigarette-smoking, current-m...


I feel like spring is extra-appropriate this year. I’m not religious and I don’t celebrate Easter in any way, but this really is a time of renewal, rebirth. I took my vaccinated self on a trip l...


The cause is my sanity. Over-explaining, also known as the fawn response and people-pleasing, is a trauma response. In particular, it is a trauma response for someone who has been gaslit. I have...


March 21, 2021

Space. in Like No One Is Reading

I am a formerly co-dependent person. The majority of my adult relationships were toxic, co-dependent nightmares, and that’s putting it mildly. Friendships, romantic relationships, familial relati...


February 21, 2021

Gross. in Like No One Is Reading

That’s how I feel right now. Really struggling with my body shape at the moment. I’ve gained a significant (to me) amount of weight in a short time and suddenly I don’t recognize my body anymore....


February 19, 2021

I am often... in Like No One Is Reading

self-conscious when I am alone. It’s weird, right? Like, no one can see me. No one. But sometimes I am just so uncomfortable in my own skin, I think, that even when I’m alone, I’m hyper-aware of...


February 18, 2021

You can do it! in Like No One Is Reading

Sometimes when someone says “you can do it!” it makes it even harder and if it turns out you actually can’t do it well you’re just a big old disappointment now, aren’t ya?


February 17, 2021

Rapid Cycling in Mental Health

One minute my anxiety is through the roof and my leg is bouncing and I can’t sit still. The next, I’m sobbing and my body feels like a blob of pudding and I’m exhausted and can’t move. Sometimes...


February 17, 2021

So many tears. in Mental Health

Just. So many. For so many reasons and no reason at all. (sigh) Depression is so boring. I’m over it.


February 16, 2021

Shhh... in Like No One Is Reading

Sometimes I start to say something (in text, on the internet) and, halfway through my thought, I just stop and erase it because my brain says, “No one, literally no one, gives a single fuck what ...


February 16, 2021

Hurt people in Like No One Is Reading

hurt people. I said that to my 13-year-old son today after yet another argument between him and my 20-year-old son. The older accuses the younger of gaslighting. He’s not always wrong about it. W...


February 15, 2021

Insignificant. in Like No One Is Reading

Sometimes, it’s just, you know. Recognizing you’re 1 in 7+ billion and nothing special and you’ve left no mark and someday you’ll just be gone, poof, and almost no one will know you ever existed....


Books 7


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