Well, then. in Like No One Is Reading

I fought back tears and, shaking the whole way, drove to the new job place. At the front desk were two women. I was 30 minutes early. I was shaking like a leaf and suddenly my eyes were full of tears and I said, “Hi, I’m JustWillow and I’m supposed to start working here at 3 and… I am not okay. I thought I was ready, I thought I could do it, and I was just wrong. I have ADHD and bipolar disorder and I’m starting new medication tomorrow that I hope will help but right now I can’t promise you that I won’t randomly burst into tears or run out the door if I try to do this working-a-job-with-the-public thing.” One of the women went in the back and I could hear her speaking with the manager. She came back out and said the manager was going to call the owner and then she just… talked to me. She was very kind.

The manager came out with the schedule and we went and sat down. She told me that the owner said they could take me off completely if that’s what I wanted and I could just get in touch with her when I feel ready.

They were all so kind and didn’t make me feel like a freak at all. I have never, ever advocated for myself in that way. I have never spoken up when I’m not okay. I have always forced myself to mask any anxiety I might be feeling, making sure not even to let it manifest in harmless fidgeting, in workplaces. The problem with all this masking is, the more stressful the workplace, the harder it is to play the masked character. When that happens, when I reach a level of anxiety that will override the mask, it’s far too late and I explode in rather epic fashions. And that’s not fair to me or my coworkers and employers. I’m not being fair to myself if I’m masking that much anxiety and I’m certainly not being fair to the people around me who likely have no idea how anxious I really am until I’m screaming, throwing something, or stomping out.

On my drive home, I thought to myself, “I have to advocate for myself because no one else will.” By that I mean that I am an adult person. I have no parents to advocate for me. I have no one who can stand up for me in a job interview or workplace. No one but me. If I won’t stand up for myself, be honest about myself with myself and others, who will?

I think maybe my most important role in life, my most important character, is me as my own advocate. I think maybe I need to learn how to play her more often, because I feel like a burden has been lifted. Just a tiny burden, but… lifted. And if there’s one thing I could do without, it’s burdens I’m enforcing on my own self.