Better. in Mental Health

Since my last entry, I’ve had several therapy sessions and, finally, a very long session with the psychiatrist. It was brilliant, really. Best psych appointment I’ve ever had. He spent 2 hours with me, asked me a million questions, and then…

He essentially ruled out bipolar disorder. He feels that I have CPTSD, ADHD, OCD, and major depressive disorder. He prescribed an SSRI and something called NAC, an amino acid that has a variety of benefits - the first one being that it counteracts acetaminophen overdose, which I thought was a pretty weird thing to prescribe. Then, I read about the SSRI and discovered that I can’t take any ibuprofen, only acetaminophen, for pain while taking the SSRI. Big sad face me because the only way I can get rid of my tension headaches is with a combo of acetaminophen and ibuprofen (because I won’t take opiate painkillers).

I’ll start the new meds tomorrow and go back to the psych 3 weeks from my first appointment because we’ll know by then if the new meds are helping or if they’re going to make me worse or have some other negative side-effect. I’m feeling incredibly hopeful, though, even if these meds don’t help. I’m finally seeing the right kind of doctor who can prescribe the right kind of meds.

I’ve been slowly (so slowly) making small (and some big) purchases towards home improvement over the last couple of months. I’ve discovered that things that improve my environment, either in the way it looks or the way it functions, have a pretty significant impact on my mood and overall well-being. I have always denied myself even the simplest of things that would make my life better or easier. I’ve had a burner on my electric stove that’s been non-functional for literal years and all I had to do was get the model and serial numbers off the little plate inside the over, Google it, find an acceptable replacement part number, and then plug that number into Amazon and, tada! New burner. And it’s not like it cost a million bucks or anything. I have no explanation for why I would just… deal with it for so long beyond “executive dysfunction.”

An aspect of ADHD I had never considered before, but have learned a lot about lately is this issue with object permanence. This would be the actual explanation for why I can’t complete fairly simple tasks, sometimes for years and years - I am not standing at my stove, looking at the broken burner, every minute of every day. The only time I would ever really think about that broken burner was when I wanted to cook something in a big pot (it was the only 8” burner, the other 3 are 6”) and I would think, “Damn this big burner,” and cook with the big pot on a small burner, eat the food, and then… well… that big, broken burner may as well cease to exist at that point because I’m not looking at it or thinking about it once I’m done in the kitchen.

I often have an important thing and I think, “I’m going to put this important thing right here, in this safe place, where I can’t lose it or spill something on it,” and then? Well, then that thing no longer exists. Where I put that thing no longer exists. The knowledge of it has vacated the premises of my mind.

I’m working on that. I always thought it was just… me. Something wrong with me, personally. A failure on my part, so forgetful, that girl, she obviously doesn’t even try hard enough to remember important things! But, that’s the thing… I do try hard to remember things. I write myself notes. I tell someone, “Hey, don’t let me forget this is here.” Also, for some things, I have an amazing memory. Photographic, almost. I have total recall of many events in my life. I can close my eyes and smell the county fair of 1992, hear the sounds, remember a smile, a kiss. Ask me what I had for lunch yesterday and I have no fucking idea. Ask me what I was doing 20 years ago and I can tell you how the furniture was arranged in my apartment.

The OCD diagnosis was a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, I knew I was OCD, but it’s never been acknowledged by… anyone. No medical or mental health professional has ever mentioned it. Turns out that a lot of symptoms I was attributing to mania are actually OCD. The SSRI he prescribed is apparently especially helpful for OCD because a lot of OCD symptoms are triggered and/or exacerbated by depression, and vice versa. And Major Depressive Disorder? Well, yeah. Not even a little surprised at that one.

It is incredibly common for adult women who were diagnosed as bipolar when they were younger to not actually be bipolar at all. In a lot of cases (the majority, really), it’s ADHD and depression that is exacerbated by misdiagnosis. I have ADHD combined type, so a lot of my “mania” symptoms are actually just ADHyperactivityD and OCD - intrusive, repetitive thoughts, BFRBs (body-focused repetitive behaviors), becoming increasingly agitated when things aren’t just right, etc.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I’m feeling hopeful for my own mental health for the first time in a long time. I’m feeling proud of myself for recognizing that I was careening wildly down a very dangerous path and for stopping myself before I ended up in over my head. I’m feeling more ordered and focused and capable than I have in a very long while. I know I still have a long way to go, but this first leg of the trip is feeling pretty damn good.

Last updated September 19, 2021