Entries 58
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Where has all the insecurity gone?
For pretty much all of my life, I have been plagued by those negative, intrusive thoughts that I mentioned in the previous entry. I recognize that the intrusive thoughts are a symptom of OCD and ...
OCD
So, the new SSRI Iām on is supposed to help with OCD symptoms as well as major depressive disorder and, holy shit, does it work. I have never felt so stable, so balanced, soā¦ rational. I still h...
Better.
Since my last entry, Iāve had several therapy sessions and, finally, a very long session with the psychiatrist. It was brilliant, really. Best psych appointment Iāve ever had. He spent 2 hours wi...
Not okay.
Just really not. Feeling empty and manic and paralyzed and so sad. It was sudden. I think. Maybe I just canāt see it coming anymore. Or didnāt see it this time. This is my least favorite of al...
Rapid Cycling
One minute my anxiety is through the roof and my leg is bouncing and I canāt sit still. The next, Iām sobbing and my body feels like a blob of pudding and Iām exhausted and canāt move. Sometimes...
So many tears.
Just. So many. For so many reasons and no reason at all. (sigh) Depression is so boring. Iām over it.
Suppression
Thatās how Iāve been able to get to the point Iām at with mental illness. Itās not that I have it under control so much as Iāve just gotten very, very good at suppressing it, at suppressing any ...
Depression/Mixed Mania Episodes
Itās been a rough few days/weeks/months/year. Iāve been manic forā¦ I donāt know how long. Awhile. If only it was the kind of manic that allowed me to accomplish many things. It has been that k...
I'm okay.
Iām not okay right this minute, but Iām okay. Everything is temporary. Nothing lasts forever. The sun will shine again. I have things to feel hopeful about even if I donāt feel any hope right n...
Adderall Day... Whatever
Experiment failed. Extreme mania was triggered. I was clenching my jaw so hard for several days that it still hurts after not taking any Adderall for 3 days, like I got punched on both sides of m...
Adderall Day 1.5
The overall feeling of general well-being lasted through the whole day and evening. Unfortunately, the insomnia side-effect is definitely a thing. Considering I already had insomnia, Iām not surp...
Adderall Day 1
Itās been about 5 hours since my first dose of 20mg Adderall XR. I am feeling pretty calm and have been able to take care of several phone calls that Iāve been putting off (forgetting) for sever...
2 1/2 Years
In the two years and five months since the Wanker went to jail, I have accomplished more than in the thirty-nine years and seven months prior. So, I suppose I might have a little something to be ...
"I'm so sorry I hurt you."
I think I was wrong. In therapy, back in 2012, she tried to get me to talk about my mother. My mother who died in 2011. And I said no, no point in talking about that, sheās dead, sheās gone, the...
ADHD, Combined Type
āThis, the most common type of ADHD, is characterized by impulsive and hyperactive behaviors as well as inattention and distractibility.ā To me, it kinda seems like double-whammy ADHD. I wish I o...
Motherhood
Iām not cut out for it. I never should have had children. I have never been emotionally equipped to deal with it. I guess I should be thankful that this is the last one I have to go through puber...
Is it possible...
ā¦to love you too much? Would it be possible to be overly expressive? Am I? Am I annoying about it? Am I too much? I have recently recognized this thing, this fear, and I donāt know if itās valid...
A study in mushrooms...
Magic mushrooms, that is. Typing is funny. The letters on the screen, hilarious. I am still aware of typos, at least. Okay, so everything above this was written at approximately 9pm last night, S...
Would you tell me if...
I was too much? I had become annoying? I was no longer worth it? I talked too much? You didnāt want me around anymore? Or would you pity me? Be afraid of my fragility? Do I seem fragile? I feel f...
Love and ADHD.
Iāve always lived under the shadow of the idea that good things would never happen to me because I donāt exactly have a history of good things happening. There were moments in time that I experie...
Not fast enough.
Iāve been working on my mental health for 30 years, since I was maybe 12 and first heard of the concept of mental illness. I honestly canāt even remember what it was, that first reference that ma...
Emotional Regulation.
I aināt got none. Kinda lost my shit at work today when I didnāt really need to but had no control over it. Like none. Zero. In an instant, my heart was racing, I was trembling, all the air had b...
Out of my league.
Thatās how Iāve always felt about pretty much everyone, like Iām just this little nothing small-town girl and I donāt fit in, Iām not good enough, smart enough, educated enough. Itās a particular...
Conversation.
I would kill for one right now. Like one of those things where you make a pot of coffee and a friend comes over and you drink coffee and smoke a bunch of cigarettes and maybe some weed, too, and ...
Disillusioned.
Sad. Confused. Depressed. Hopeless. Thereās just too much bad news. I made a new Facebook account to escape some of it. That was literally easier than going through and un-following a ton of pag...
