Uncontrollable. in Like No One Is Reading

My anxiety. My brain. My mouth. Totally out of control. I suddenly don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. Painful self-consciousness. I talk a lot generally but I talk even more when I’m nervous and I’m recognizing that I’m not talking a lot lately because it’s normal for me but because I’m devastatingly nervous and self-conscious.

It’s like the one thing I need to not do is the one thing I can’t stop doing and it’s going to cost me, I just know it is, and I should just crawl in a hole and never talk to anyone again.

Some statistics:

Individuals with ADHD are more likely to face difficulty obtaining and maintaining employment compared to adults without ADHD, more so if they did not receive treatment in childhood. (check)

Individuals with ADHD are more likely to experience difficulties with all types of relationships (friendships, romantic, familial, etc.). (check)

Other outcomes associated with adult ADHD include vulnerability to anxiety, mood disorders, negative habits, impaired driving safety, and even premature death from accidents. (check, check, check)

ADHD in Women

Symptoms of inattentiveness are more common than are symptoms of hyperactivity and impulsivity in girls and women with ADHD. (I have both, diagnosed ADHD combined type)

Women with ADHD are more likely to experience low self-esteem compared to men with ADHD and women without ADHD. (what’s self-esteem?)

Anxiety and affective disorders commonly co-occur with ADHD in women, who are also more likely to exhibit phobias and have generalized anxiety disorder compared to men with ADHD. (check)

I trying. I’m educating myself and working on developing tools to help me mitigate some stuff. I have an appointment in half an hour for a med review. I’m trying so hard.

I remember when I was interesting, when my mental health journey was compelling and fascinating and impressive. I remember feeling like I was finally going to be accepted for who I am and feeling like it was okay to lower the veil a little more, to let a little more of me out. Now the voice in my head is screaming, “PUT HER BACK IN THE BOX OMFG WHAT ARE YOU DOING HIDE THAT HIDE IT NOW!”