Disabled. in Like No One Is Reading

Social Security called today and, after my wonderful conversation with a very nice woman, I feel a lot better about applying. I obviously don’t have any indication that I’m going to be approved or anything, but I do feel better about it.

I’ve always operated under the idea that I can do it. Whatever it is, I can do it, I can handle it, I always do. I’m so tough, look at all I’ve survived. This mindset has hurt me just as much, if not more, than abusive people. This feels like me abusing myself, diminishing myself, ignoring myself and my own wants and needs.

I have been tough. I have survived a lot. I have handled things, hard things, and survived. The only way I’ve been able to make it this long is by forcing myself to make it - and that’s great, really, because I’m alive and I like being alive. Not surviving would have looked like suicide to me. But, really, that’s all I managed. I managed not to kill myself. I managed to resist that urge over and over and over again. I survived and maybe it made me strong but… I’m pretty sure it mostly left me feeling battered and scarred and weak. There are a lot of things that have happened to me that I am not positive I would be able to survive again, and I won’t have to because now I know about setting boundaries and how to cut toxic people out of my life.

But there are other things, internal things, that I have also survived, am still surviving. I haven’t survived a life of bipolar disorder and ADHD (and very likely autism) and OCD and PTSD. I am still surviving those things every day. It’s never-ending and exhausting and painful and scary.

I started today with 5mg of Adderall. I started feeling the affect after about an hour. No intrusive, rushing thoughts. Minimal fidgeting. I have caught myself clenching my jaw a couple of times, but not clenching painfully. The prescription says take 10mg in the morning and then 10mg 6 hours later. I took 5mg and then 5 more 4 hours later. My doc said I could take it however I want, however feels the most effective to me, so I’m not breaking any rules or anything. I think I’ll see how I feel in 4 hours and decide then if I want to take another 5mg or what. Messing with my chemicals is scary but I feel a tiny bit of hope that this will help me function at least minimally like I used to be able to while unmedicated and masking and tearing myself apart from the inside. I just want to feel capable again instead of like a weak little limp noodle who’s afraid of the dark. I just don’t want to feel capable at the cost of my own sanity anymore. I don’t want to have to mask. I want to control the worst of my symptoms with medication and therapy if I can and be able to fidget-spin my way through the rest.

I ordered a pack of fidget toys from Amazon today. I have noticed how much I fidget with my vape pen even when I’m not “smoking” it. I am hopeful that fidget toys will help me eliminate the vaping - I am totally convinced that starting smoking was so easy for me at such a young age because it satisfied a fidget desire.

Aaaaand I got interrupted/distracted and totally lost anything else I might have been intending to write so I’m gonna go smoke some weed and find some snacks and zone out on some shows or something.

Oh! I also wanted to say thank you to my noters. I appreciate you all <3 I haven’t had any spoons for days so I haven’t been replying, but I’m not ignoring you, I promise. Sometimes I just can’t interact with people outside of the ones I live with and a couple of very, very close friends. Literally, a couple, as in two. And sometimes that number drops to only three people, or only two, that I can handle interactions with beyond “likes” on social media or random, short messages. Some days I barely interact with my children, even, all three of us in our separate spaces all day and only interacting at dinner time.

Anyway. Yeah. Thanks <3