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Like No One Is Reading

by 🌈 JustWillow 🦄

Entries 23

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May 12, 2021

Toxic Positivity

I think that maybe I have been putting on a happy face for so long that I’ve driven myself into a downward spiral. I’ve pushed aside “negative” emotions, ignored them, and forced myself to focus ...


May 08, 2021

Adderall, Day 4

Prescribed: 10mg twice a day. Actually taking: 5mg in the morning, 5mg about 4 hours later. One day I took another 5mg 4 hours after the second dose but didn’t like that. Side-effects are… the s...


May 04, 2021

Disabled.

Social Security called today and, after my wonderful conversation with a very nice woman, I feel a lot better about applying. I obviously don’t have any indication that I’m going to be approved o...


May 02, 2021

Well, then.

I fought back tears and, shaking the whole way, drove to the new job place. At the front desk were two women. I was 30 minutes early. I was shaking like a leaf and suddenly my eyes were full of t...


May 02, 2021

Oof.

So much anxiety today. Supposed to start a new job in about 3 hours and I have zero spoons. But, I went to bed super early (for me, anyway) last night and woke up early this morning and told mys...


May 01, 2021

Performance

Maybe I could create a character who is just like me except none of the depression and anxiety and bullshit. She’s quirky and silly and a little child-like. She doesn’t get nervous in public. She...


April 29, 2021

Uncontrollable.

My anxiety. My brain. My mouth. Totally out of control. I suddenly don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. Painful self-consciousness. I talk a lot generally but I talk even more when I’m ...


April 27, 2021

Being human.

I can remember, as a small child, watching other children, studying them, and mimicking their behaviors. Trying to, anyway. The one behavior I could never mimic was the sitting still one. I had t...


April 26, 2021

Too much.

I just am. Too much for myself, too much for anyone else, just too much. I’m equal parts overwhelmed and overwhelming. It was said that I am seeing things through “this lens of ADHD” and, reall...


April 24, 2021

Dissociation.

“Dissociation is a break in how your mind handles information. You may feel disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, memories, and surroundings. It can affect your sense of identity and your pe...


April 23, 2021

Boring.

I feel so bored with myself. I’m boring. I’m painfully aware of how boring I am. Time slows down. Nothing matters. It’s like I’m outside, looking in at my boring self, being critical of her. I pi...


April 18, 2021

You talk too much.

My mother always told me that. Teachers, bosses, friends. Everyone. I talk too much. It is the worst and most painful of all of my trauma responses, the most difficult for me to deal with, becaus...


April 08, 2021

Well-being check-in.

I have raging PMS and everything makes me cry. I have a bit of a sore throat, too, but no fever. Swollen glands, not sore on the inside, and no more than my usual (ex-cigarette-smoking, current-m...


April 04, 2021

Personal Growth

I feel like spring is extra-appropriate this year. I’m not religious and I don’t celebrate Easter in any way, but this really is a time of renewal, rebirth. I took my vaccinated self on a trip l...


The cause is my sanity. Over-explaining, also known as the fawn response and people-pleasing, is a trauma response. In particular, it is a trauma response for someone who has been gaslit. I have...


March 21, 2021

Space.

I am a formerly co-dependent person. The majority of my adult relationships were toxic, co-dependent nightmares, and that’s putting it mildly. Friendships, romantic relationships, familial relati...


February 21, 2021

Gross.

That’s how I feel right now. Really struggling with my body shape at the moment. I’ve gained a significant (to me) amount of weight in a short time and suddenly I don’t recognize my body anymore....


February 18, 2021

I am often...

self-conscious when I am alone. It’s weird, right? Like, no one can see me. No one. But sometimes I am just so uncomfortable in my own skin, I think, that even when I’m alone, I’m hyper-aware of...


February 18, 2021

You can do it!

Sometimes when someone says “you can do it!” it makes it even harder and if it turns out you actually can’t do it well you’re just a big old disappointment now, aren’t ya?


February 15, 2021

Shhh...

Sometimes I start to say something (in text, on the internet) and, halfway through my thought, I just stop and erase it because my brain says, “No one, literally no one, gives a single fuck what ...


February 15, 2021

Hurt people

hurt people. I said that to my 13-year-old son today after yet another argument between him and my 20-year-old son. The older accuses the younger of gaslighting. He’s not always wrong about it. W...


February 14, 2021

Insignificant.

Sometimes, it’s just, you know. Recognizing you’re 1 in 7+ billion and nothing special and you’ve left no mark and someday you’ll just be gone, poof, and almost no one will know you ever existed....


February 14, 2021

Write like no one is reading.

New goal. - Sometimes I stand up to leave the room, pick up my phone, and set it back down again. The thoughts, in fully formed sentences, enter my mind. It sounds like a voice similar to my own...


Book Description

Not-so-private private thoughts.