I'm allowed. in Like No One Is Reading

Sometimes I feel very loved but not liked a whole lot.

This is not a new feeling, so I know that it is likely something coming from within me. Not to mention, I’ve had people in my life tell me straight out that they love me but they don’t like me very much, and that always made a kind of sense to me. I have loved people that I didn’t like, generally against my own will, feeling out of control, unable to turn love off even when hate exists beside it.

I feel misunderstood often. I have a hard time explaining myself, or I seem to, anyway, because whenever I try, I hear that talking to me is like talking to a boulder, or that I’m pushing back, and, like… I’m allowed to do that. I’m allowed to stand firm in who I am or who I want to be or the steps I want to take to get there. I’m allowed to make every single life decision all on my own because I am on my own. I’m allowed to be wishy-washy and indecisive and flighty. I’m allowed to be who I am. I’m allowed to make a statement and have it stand. That’s not me pushing back, that’s me… being me. I’m allowed to ramble on about random shit that I’m probably never going to do. I’m allowed to let my thoughts flow from my mouth as they form and not have them taken as obstinance because the words aren’t the ones someone wants to hear.

If it seems like I’m pushing back, maybe that’s because I don’t much like being pushed and it is my natural instinct to defend myself when feeling attacked. Because, sometimes, it feels like an attack. And I recognize that this is a trauma response - so many people have pushed me and pushed me and pushed me until I’m overwhelmed and I snap and then they use that as a weapon against me. Or, worse, it lessens me in their eyes and they never accept their own responsibility in it. They just see me as less, unstable, unmanageable, and not worth the trouble. I also recognize that mine trauma responses are no one’s responsibility but mine - the people in my life today did not make me this way.

I’m allowed to make whatever decisions I want to make, no matter what that looks like to someone else, or what someone else thinks I’m capable of or not. I’m the only one who truly knows what I’m capable of and if I say, “I can’t,” I really, really can’t. I am capable of tremendous feats. At times, I am incapable of self care. Every day is a new day for me and I never know what I’m going to face within myself, and sometimes I can’t face anything at all.

All I’ve ever wanted was to feel safe and loved and accepted. To have a safe place/person where I can just be myself in all my awkward, weird glory, and have that be okay. A place/person where I can speak without reservation, without worry and fear of rejection because the thoughts in my head make perfect sense… to me… and then they come out of my mouth and people look at me like I’ve got 3 heads. I just want to be able to say what I want to say and not have every conversation turn into an argument over what I should or shouldn’t do.

I just want to be able to be myself and not have anyone, ever, tell me that I’m doing it wrong.