OCD in Mental Health

So, the new SSRI I’m on is supposed to help with OCD symptoms as well as major depressive disorder and, holy shit, does it work.

I have never felt so stable, so balanced, so… rational. I still have moments of upset/anger/overwhelm/etc., but every.fucking.thing feels so much more manageable now. Especially the OCD. Several times in recent days I have “caught” myself engaging in OCD behaviors, which always cause me a great deal of anxiety, and I just… stop. “Ope! I’m being OCD right now! My neck and shoulders are all tense, my hands are shaking, there’s a high-pitched whining noise coming from somewhere near the center of my brain! Danger!” And then, I stop. My shoulders and neck relax, my mind clears, and I complete my task calmly and efficiently. Coworker being a useless sack full of uselessness? “Ope! Not my problem! I don’t sign his paycheck! I did all my work! Byeeee!”

One of the most difficult aspects of OCD, for me, is intrusive thoughts. Horrible thoughts, those.

“The world would be better off without me.”
“No one would miss me if I disappeared. No one would even notice I was gone.”
“People are only nice because they feel sorry for me.”
“No one has ever loved me and no one ever could.”

It does. not. matter. that I know those thoughts are not true. Knowing doesn’t stop them from coming, sometimes bombarding me over and over and over again, for hours, days… weeks. No amount of positive self-talk stops them. No amount of external validation stops them. Nothing anyone can say or do can stop those words in my head sometimes.

Until now.

I can really only think of one time over the last couple of weeks, one day, one moment. I had what felt like an extreme reaction to something and suddenly my neck and shoulders were tense, my chest was tight, there was a high-pitched whining sound in my head, butterflies in my stomach, and I was shaking like a leaf. I kind of just shut down for a minute, took some deep breaths, and then let myself really think about the reaction I was having and why I might be having it. After about 15 minutes, I was completely still and calm and had realized that it was an irrational, emotional reaction to a completely irrational and untrue intrusive thought.

It was a little like when you have a dream about someone you love and they do something really mean to you in the dream and you wake up mad? That ever happen to you? Usually, that anger fades as you wake up more and realize you’re mad about a dream and haha, that’s silly. For me, with intrusive thoughts, it’s like that, except the anger, hurt, or unsettled feeling never fades. It snowballs and can become an avalanche of depression and suicidal ideation.

It used to snowball, I should say.

The most amazing thing about all of this is that I still feel like myself. When I’ve been medicated in the past, I’ve inevitably ended up feeling like a robot version of myself. Incapable of experiencing happiness or sadness or anything emotional beyond a momentary blip. I do not feel like a robot. I still feel silly and happy and I’ve noticed that I’ve been laughing a lot more, and singing! I’ve been singing a ton! Woke up one day with a song in my head and just sang while I made coffee! I still feel love and sadness and anxiety and even overwhelm, but nothing feels extreme or out of control. Nothing feels unmanageable.

Maybe the anxiety. It feels slightly unmanageable. But that’s okay, doc is aware and even said I’d come off the Buspirone eventually and can explore other anti-anxiety meds then if I still feel I need them. The anxiety does feel more manageable than it was, so that’s good. I feel like perhaps the longer I’m on these meds, the more they build up in my system, the less anxiety I will feel. I’d already seen a decrease by addressing ADHD with Adderall - being able to function works wonders for anxiety - and another decrease with these new meds (that I’ve only been on for 3 weeks), so I’m hopeful.

And being hopeful is bliss after so many years of hopelessness.

Last updated October 09, 2021