Entries 196

Page 5 of 8

… but I will be. This won’t last forever. The sun will shine again and I’ll be okay. For a bit, anyway. Or a minute. (sigh) Feeling incredibly overwhelmed with both extreme depression and mania....

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I got to go to Detroit on Monday with my little dude to see my big dude in his first college concert band concert. It was amazing and didn’t last nearly long enough. We miss him lots. We got to t...

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…manic depression. (sigh) Life is nothing but an endless cycle of pain and attempts to mitigate it. Too many things in a very short time span, too much to process, can’t do it. And now, the dar...

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Being bipolar (among all the many other things) affects my behaviors (obviously), but my behaviors affect my relationships with other humans. More often than not, my behaviors change in negative ...

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Pretty sure I’ve been in the iron grip of a powerful manic episode for about 3 weeks now. You know, they say if you experience a manic episode lasting longer than 7 days, you should check yoursel...

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So a thing I realized about myself just now is that I am juggling a hell of a lot of balls for one human. Like, I have so many balls in the air, I am worth 20 men or more. I find myself, this ev...

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So, I’m a morning prep lead at a little brewery in a little town. Our head chef is awesome. As a chef. Like, over 30 years of experience, Le Cordon Bleu, blahblahblah. I think I’ve written about ...

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I feel like I’m on fire. I’ve become what feels like obsessed with painting, and with learning more about watercolors through endless YouTube videos. The last thing I picked up like this was cook...

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Lying in bed alone thinking of you fingers dancing in the warm place between my thighs to the melody that is memory of you

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Sometimes I realize something about myself that hits me so hard it feels like there’s a tiny little earthquake happening right at the very center of my body. I feel like I’m quaking from the ins...

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I’ve had this strange feeling lately, a new feeling, one I don’t quite understand. I think it’s peace. Acceptance. Yes, maybe acceptance. I feel like I am just letting life come at me day by day....

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I have at least 37 random thought-marbles rolling around in my skull at any given moment. Sometimes, they roll by and away, no idea where they get off to, and sometimes they roll around and aroun...

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I feel like all I’ve ever wanted was to fade into the background, go unnoticed by most, and yet all I’ve ever done is stick out like a sore thumb. People may not think I’m being awkward or acting...

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Maybe I don’t have to do that. Maybe that’s a stupid idea. There are things about me, things that used to be and things that were not. Part of my journey into this “new” life, this “new” self, h...

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I’ve spent my whole life looking for fulfillment outside of myself. This is a thing, that very sentence, that only just occurred to me in just the right way to be really significant. Sometimes, w...

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I’ve always been an impulsive person. Snap decisions happen far too often, and they’re usually bad decisions. I fly through a range of emotions in a heartbeat, thoughts and feelings all jumbled u...

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I just got my email pay stub for the check I’ll get Friday. I looked at the YTD column, which is not a thing I have paid attention to for a long while. Then I looked at the calendar and did a lit...

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So, what feels like a really horrible thing happened today, a thing I’m not sure can be repaired. But some really important things are happening now, since the thing that feels like the worst thi...

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I had this therapist, this tiny little hobbit of a woman who reminded me of Dr. Ruth without the accent. I think I was around 26 or 27 years old at that time, so a good 15 years ago. I was not in...

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Had a really hard day at work today. Almost 11 hours. I am not cut out for that and I don’t know how to make my chef understand. I mean, I guess there’s no way to make him understand. The man doe...

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Evolution is a painfully slow process, both in nature, and in me. I am very hesitant to change. I do a thing a way and that’s just the way I do that thing. Until I start to change the way I do th...

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Have to drive several hundred miles tomorrow to take my son to college. My baby is leaving. I’ve been fine, mostly, until today. Today, I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop trying to imagine what it...

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…is no fun. I hurt myself repeatedly. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I jerk myself around. I feel one thing one day and the opposite the next. I have random thoughts that cut like...

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I’ve discovered something that feels pretty amazing (and kinda creepy). It’s what I’m going to think of as a new form of self care. Just scrolling through our… pic-chat? Just looking at all the p...

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This is a thing that I’m learning a lot about, both how to accept things and how to feel accepted. I’ve never had trouble accepting some things, especially if they were things that made me feel a...

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