Public

Phoenix

by JustWillow

Entries 43

Page 1 of 2

1 day ago

Boundaries!

I am doing so good! I went out tonight (Sunday) to one of the local watering holes, got white girl wasted, had a complete blast hanging out with a new friend I don’t see nearly enough and a frien...


“Cognitive Dissonance, the mental conflict that occurs when beliefs or assumptions are contradicted by new information. The unease or tension that the conflict arouses in people is relieved by on...


2 days ago

Old Habits.

I knew it couldn’t hold, my good mood, the elation I was feeling at how well my life is going. All the too-good-to-be-true-ness is holding, at least. There is so much in my life, so many good thi...


3 days ago

Without Shame.

I know I’ve written about shame before, but it’s a really prominent thought in my mind right now. I don’t know how to love without shame. I think. I mean, I don’t know how not to doubt myself, t...


3 days ago

Unsaid.

There are so many things I want to say but I don’t say them because I’ve been trained to believe that it should be embarrassing to be so expressive. It’s melodramatic. Cheesy. Annoying. I know ...


May 12, 2019

Too Good.

If life has taught me anything, it’s that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Okay, it always is. But shouldn’t there come a time in a person’s life where maybe they find something ...


May 11, 2019

Toddler.

I’m afraid of behaving like an annoying child, tugging a sleeve or a pant leg and chanting, “Mommy. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy? Mommmmmmy!” Is it because I was treated like an annoying child for years...


May 11, 2019

Careful.

I am feeling the first tingles of fear. I’m not even sure what I’m afraid of, but the tingle is most certainly present. Or maybe I’m just having a hint of anxiety because I fucked up my med refi...


May 09, 2019

Writing.

Writing is so good for me, so healthy, a much-needed release. I say things here that I don’t generally talk about in every day life, reveal so much more about myself than most people will ever kn...


May 07, 2019

Opposites Attract.

You know, they do, actually. And that’s the problem for me, every damn time. I’ve always picked guys who are the opposite of me. That’s why they all wanted to change me. They were attracted to th...


May 06, 2019

You.

There are so many things about you, so many little things, that you are likely completely unaware of. Things you say and do that move me in ways, and for reasons, that you have no knowledge of. A...


May 05, 2019

Journey, Part 2

“No one knows my journey. No one single person has the whole picture. No one but me. Many, many people have little pieces, some more than others. But none of them have the whole. So none of them,...


May 04, 2019

Floodgates.

This is breathtaking and hearth-wrenching and devastating and reformative. This is everything. No one has ever loved me like you do. I love the way you love me. It’s breathtaking. No one has ev...


May 04, 2019

Love and IHOP.

I think I know what being in love feels like now. True, honest, pure love. Part of me wants to own you, I won’t deny it. Part of me wants you right now, right here, for always, every minute, for...


May 02, 2019

Unquantifiable.

There is no measurement for this, no frame of reference, no context. It’s all just inconceivable, unimaginable. I literally feel like I’ve stepped into an alternate reality, a different, much bet...


May 01, 2019

Insecurities.

Yeah, I have them, even still. Don’t worry, I wasn’t fooled by my recent good spirits. I knew the things were still there in my mind, the rotten things, in a dark, shadowy little corner. It’s har...


April 30, 2019

Unicorn.

Love is a funny, fickle thing. Of course I’ve been in love before. I mean, right? Of course I was in love with the 2 men I had children with… wasn’t I? Of course I was in love with the man from a...


April 29, 2019

Adulting.

I bought a car today! I went to my bank and I got a loan and I bought a new (new to me and newer than anything I’ve owned in years and years) car! I haggled and got what I wanted for a damn good,...


April 28, 2019

Shame.

I know a lot about shame. I’ve been shamed for many a thing throughout my life. Shamed for the clothes I wear, for the music I listen to, the TV shows I like. Shamed for not drinking more, for no...


April 28, 2019

Who am I?

I have no idea. I don’t know who I am without being abused, without mental illness. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not like… cured of mental illness. If only it were that easy. But, in recent weeks,...


April 28, 2019

Dear You...

You came into my life at a time when I was innocent, naive, ignorant of the ways of boys and girls, men and women. I’ve spent as much time as possible, over nearly 30 years, only being capable of...


April 27, 2019

Good Times.

This entry was inspired by a couple of people. One diary I read here, and… well, almost more people than I could count. Perhaps I should make a list of names. A list of people I feel tremendous g...


April 25, 2019

Proud.

I’ve come a long way, baby. I mean, really. And I’m goddamn proud of myself. I’ve struggled through so much in my life that maybe some wouldn’t have survived. I did, and I’m stronger mentally and...


April 25, 2019

Girl. No.

Okay, first of all, don’t you talk about me like I’m just a thing, an inanimate object. Don’t you dare tell him to just go fuck me, as if I’d participate in such a thing. I thought you were my fr...


April 24, 2019

Toxic Masculinity.

Yep. That’s been my downfall. I’ve always been attracted to the wrong brand of masculinity. Repeating the same actions and expecting different results over and over again is the definition of in...


Book Description

Rising from the ashes.