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October 26, 2020

Dear you,

I would have believed you. If you’d told me what he was like instead of being vague and refusing to talk about it, I would have believed you. By the time I contacted you, I was already unsure and...


September 15, 2020

Unreal

You’re like make-believe. A daydream, a fairy tale, a fantasy. Sometimes I wonder if I made it all up in my mind. Like maybe one day I really did break completely and I’m actually heavily medicat...


January 29, 2020

Vote.

Vote as if… Your skin is not white. Your parents need medical care. Your spouse is an immigrant. Your land is on fire. Your child is transgender. Your house is flooded. Your sister is a victim of...


January 28, 2020

I didn't plan for this...

And I certainly never expected or imagined it. This… me. Who I am now. (this is just who i am now) So, three weeks ago, I had another LSD experience. It was… everything. Transcendent. Absolute pe...


December 27, 2019

Old Habits.

I’m recognizing some behaviors that I’m not certain I should maintain. They feel… trained. Like, I was taught to be this way, to feel this way, and maybe I shouldn’t… I get bad feelings sometimes...


December 16, 2019

Orphan.

I have no parent now. My dad died early Saturday morning. I got the call from my sister at about 6pm Saturday night. Because, you know, she had to call everyone else first and also make a point o...


December 07, 2019

Vacation.

I just got back from 5 days in Chicago. First of all, I had the most incredible, interesting, fun, happy, and sad vacation of my life. I think if there is a human emotion that exists, I experienc...


November 26, 2019

Toxic is toxic.

Sometimes I have to realize something, really think about it and actively process it, and sometimes I have to force myself to accept that a person that I love is actually pretty toxic to me and m...


November 25, 2019

He just *gets* me.

I have spent my entire life feeling weird, out of place, never fitting in or feeling like I belonged anywhere. I was raised to have low self-esteem, and grew into prime pickings for abusive narci...


November 12, 2019

Reaching out.

I do that a lot. I reach out to people when I feel I need them, or if I think I can be helpful to them in some way, or just to have a random conversation. As someone who has suffered with suicida...


November 09, 2019

Just. Fucking. Wow.

I’m still who I was, but different. I don’t know if it’s OCD or what, but I get stuck on things. Weird, random things. You know those articles you see on Facebook, like “World’s Creepiest Abando...


November 08, 2019

LSD

Suddenly, it seems, I am able to process thoughts and emotion at lightning speed. A thought pops into my head and, immediately, I am able to identify its source and eliminate the negative emotion...


October 23, 2019

Yes, Chef.

So, I’m a morning prep lead at a little brewery in a little town. Our head chef is awesome. As a chef. Like, over 30 years of experience, Le Cordon Bleu, blahblahblah. I think I’ve written about ...


October 17, 2019

Fever

I feel like I’m on fire. I’ve become what feels like obsessed with painting, and with learning more about watercolors through endless YouTube videos. The last thing I picked up like this was cook...


October 15, 2019

Memory

Lying in bed alone thinking of you fingers dancing in the warm place between my thighs to the melody that is memory of you


October 14, 2019

Inner Earthquake

Sometimes I realize something about myself that hits me so hard it feels like there’s a tiny little earthquake happening right at the very center of my body. I feel like I’m quaking from the ins...


September 11, 2019

Poverty Level.

I just got my email pay stub for the check I’ll get Friday. I looked at the YTD column, which is not a thing I have paid attention to for a long while. Then I looked at the calendar and did a lit...


September 03, 2019

Once Upon a Time...

I had this therapist, this tiny little hobbit of a woman who reminded me of Dr. Ruth without the accent. I think I was around 26 or 27 years old at that time, so a good 15 years ago. I was not in...


September 01, 2019

Pain.

Had a really hard day at work today. Almost 11 hours. I am not cut out for that and I don’t know how to make my chef understand. I mean, I guess there’s no way to make him understand. The man doe...


August 31, 2019

Evolution.

Evolution is a painfully slow process, both in nature, and in me. I am very hesitant to change. I do a thing a way and that’s just the way I do that thing. Until I start to change the way I do th...


August 21, 2019

I am not okay.

Have to drive several hundred miles tomorrow to take my son to college. My baby is leaving. I’ve been fine, mostly, until today. Today, I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop trying to imagine what it...


August 07, 2019

You.

I’ve discovered something that feels pretty amazing (and kinda creepy). It’s what I’m going to think of as a new form of self care. Just scrolling through our… pic-chat? Just looking at all the p...


July 28, 2019

Acceptance.

This is a thing that I’m learning a lot about, both how to accept things and how to feel accepted. I’ve never had trouble accepting some things, especially if they were things that made me feel a...


July 20, 2019

The Shiny Wears Off

Random thought that popped into my head just a few minutes ago. He called me adorable. I get all weird with compliments. I don’t know how to react to them. I get all shy and weird and try to curl...


July 13, 2019

Holding Back.

Over the years I was with the douchetastic Wanker, I developed a habit I can’t stop thinking about lately, a habit I’m wondering if I should, and even if I could, break. He wasn’t a “tactile per...


Book Description

Rising from the ashes.