Entries 4,981

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Power, most acutely power over others, seems to be our universal human allergen. We all react so badly to power. With concentrated enough dosage, we begin to lose some of the most useful tools th...

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We didn’t call microwaves “Defrigerators” and I think that’s on the all of us. That’s an unforced error. We just weren’t thinking at the time. I hope the first legal marijuana shop in Maine i...

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Call all the extradimensional aid you want, that dragon’s still gonna make you into summoner sausage. Ant-Man and The Atom in a winner-take-all diminution derby. I think I’ll call my used m...

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Red licorice is supposed to be strawberry. The most delicious fake strawberry Dow Chemicals’ wildest dreams could conceive. Cherry? Really? We didn’t crawl outta the muck into the trees and bac...

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When the moon parachutes / right on up your own snoot / ParAmore Sometimes to be a good person, you gotta be bad at being a person. Shut off the “achieve, acquire, dominate” drive from our an...

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You may have noticed a growing emphasis inside what’s left of our shared culture on alternative Earths, parallel dimensions, multiverses. Roads not taken, what-ifs, mulligans for all regrets. You...

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When a Canadian gets frustrated, they will often say “well, that just bags my milk”. Has there been a stoner comedy about a feudal uprising called “SERFS UP” yet or is this world just perpetu...

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if it weren’t for all my sacrilege I would have no rilege at all and if I had me a good slingshot there’d be one less Policeman’s Ball because I may be kind of tall but I cheer a Golia...

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Facebook puts really good looking people who you do not actually know into your “People You May Know” feed just to torment you. It doesn’t make you use Facebook more, though, it makes you want ...

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Head-canon that they’re not called “Pokemon” because they’re “pocket monsters” but because they mutated from eating poke bowls filled with mutagens from Monstano. Where the sperm starts, wher...

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We’d been waiting on it for weeks: my uncle’s yearly request for a Christmas tree. He’s a virtual shut-in due to mental illnesses, has lived on the third floor of my grandparents’ house nearly-fi...

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Why has there never been a crossover between the video games COMMAND & CONQUER and CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY? It seems like a gimmie, you guys. There should be more wedding receptions where pe...

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If you aim for the stars with the correct trajectory, you will quickly die in the frozen vacuum of space. If you aim for the stars and end up shooting the moon, you will quickly die in the froz...

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Injected myself with insulin, for the first time. Life goes on, I suppose, until such time as it no longer does. There’s a lot worse things to suffer, of course, of course, but it’s A Sign and on...

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If they tell you should smile more, turn around and run. If they naturally make you smile more, they’re the one, they’re the one. Having never seen Succession, I’m just assuming that’s the ma...

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Michael Cecconi of Little Falls, forty-four, shuffled off his mortal coil Monday December 4th, tumbling down three flights of stairs in a Victorian McMansion converted into a library while attemp...

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Basically, I’m just synthesizing like five memes here, but the solution to social media seems to be somehow monetizing the touching of grass. Why say “gunnery nunnery” when you could say “hol...

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you better watch out he’s going to cry he’s going to shout I’m telling you why Santa Claus has trouble regulating his emotions he’s making a list he’s checking it twice he’s checking it ...

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A Nintendo authorized whoopie-cushion called ZELDA: WIND FAKER. “LESS TEETH!” he howled “BUT NOT A TOTAL ABSENCE OF TEETH, EITHER!” The power of light rail as the driving technology of adve...

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A musical moderate is like “I believe the way you work it is adequate, the same amount of diggity, the same amount of diggity”. “Replacing an arm and a leg? That must have cost you a student ...

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The chestnut about travel being the great destroyer of prejudice because you see how everyone’s the same sadly isn’t universal. Fundamentally broken monsters like Trump or Musk or Columbus, the...

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While most can find a few traditions they enjoy associated with the American secular winterish holidays, the truth of it is that even the holliest or jolliest of us also have a few Yuletide custo...

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When a hipster cuts their finger, the only disinfectant they can abide is Retrosporin. Yeah, you get up early if you like worms. That’s weird, wanting to eat worms but you do you. I was not b...

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You’ll know you’ve had the correct amount of coffee when “Powerhouse” and “Holiday for Strings” are mashing up in your head perfectly. This parody of Bush’s “Everything Zen” about Zed from...

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. In my pocket, I found a wadded up note, in my own barely comprehensible scrawl that simply said “Meme Wars of A Geisha”. I have no idea where I was going with it but, when you’re me, every few ...

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