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If you’re gluten intolerant, it’s likely you’re also fettuccine afraido. In Seinfeld, they so easily have called “the airing of grievances” in Festivus “the bitching hour” instead. Pretendi...

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when the girl on the screen mispronounces cuisine that’s Giada when the thing on teevee calls “gnocchi” GNAY-OH-CHIIIII that’s Giada she will sound like-a-...

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A parody of LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” about Conan the Barbarian starting with the line “Don’t call it a Crom back / I’ve no tongue for prayers”. Sometimes the ancient gods would h...

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Write a book called “How To Hunt Porch Pirates” so that people can order it from Amazon, leave it on their porches for the thieves so that when they open the stolen mail, they get the fear of G...

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Why call it “drunken master fighting” when you can call it “brew-jitsu”? Gingivitis is actually an STD from going down on too many redheads. No, the WEIRDEST distant sequel to a Madonna fil...

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When I was just a teen, back in the Nineties, video stores shadowed the firmaments, swarmed in great thundering waves, much as the buffalo teemed the American prairie before Columbus came along a...

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Panera should totally take the name “Bread Broth and Beyond” now, before some venture capital company takes over Bed Bath and Beyond’s zombie IP to sue people for doing stuff like that. The m...

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Why say “occasional diarrhea” when you can say “shittermittent”? Whenever a website begs me to remove my adblocker, it’s like a really sleazy dude begging to not wear a condom. Like, I know ...

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I don’t know what the film / book mash up “My Own Private Ivanhoe” would look like, I just know someone should do it. Ever since he got his own clone as a sex slave, he’s been so full of hims...

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There’ll be kids dressed as Pokémon, all around on Halloween, their moms dressed-up as the sex bombs they rarely ever get to be. Toilet paper hastily festooned from the trees, once rare as hen’s ...

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The Exorcist reboot sounds TERRIFYING…ly unnecessary. Did Carol Burnett ever do a gag where in the last skit of the show she was playing a zombie and in the outro when she tugs her ear, she t...

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A standing desk, that just sounds like double the work to me. At the very least, you should get paid extra for the awkward standing and leaning, pretending you’re being healthy but just hurting...

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Are people who seem to jump out of planes straight into your DMs “parasocials”? There’s a weird legislated nostalgia for Blockbuster as “the best video store” but unless you wanted the newes...

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I hope Princess Peach and Mario Mario name their daughter Amelia Mario so that people can point at her and be like “It’s Am-y… Mario.” I demand that when Bon Jovi does a farewell tour, he cal...

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In most ways, it’s best to be diminished like this. Insubstantial. Little-known, even to academics. No worshippers at all. The height of godly powers, gorging on your adulations and supplications...

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Imagine if they made THE BIG CHILL today. Imagine how awful the digitally de-aged flash backs to college would’ve looked, how unnecessary they would’ve been to the plot but some producer who di...

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I also love how some fancy food sound like old timey insults from the 1920s. “YOU TRUFFLED FLATBREAD!” “YOU BLANCHED FIDDLEHEAD!” “YOUR MOTHER’S A PICKLED RAMP!” There is an alternate reality...

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At a low enough resolution, Mickey Mouse and Princess Leia are eerily similar. If you wanna build a Mary Chapin that lasts, don’t DIY that project, hire a trained and bonded Mary Chapin carpe...

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“Look,” the administrator said, sitting in the desk hovering above him, her authoritative pantsuit brought neatly together by a slender purple neck-tie, “you came to us well-regarded, MXY-944.” “...

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A parody of Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” (you know, the come my lady, come come my lady) about John Mulaney. John Mulaney, John John Mulaney. The best name for a “pick-up-artist” (if those odious...

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now that the guy from Smashmouth has sadly shuffled this mortal coil I wonder who gets custody of Guy Fieri? is it Nickelback? do you think that it’s Nickelback? Scott Cr...

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Is there any grosser name for a cosmetic than “body butter”? It’s basically one shade less gross than “foot sauce”. QVC will be hawking “skin juice” any day now. Bath and Body Works selli...

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If you’ve hurt yourself while dancing in the club, you may be eligible for twerkers compensation. “Beans beans the musical fruit”? You mean, lentil illness? Bird is drone, turtle is roomba...

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we don’t need anymore gods or goddesses of war or violence or victory those things are done they’re out of style they’ve ruined too much of this place we don’t need gods of comm...

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I’m often disturbed by the knowledge the internet provides me with about the worst parts of the sickest human brains. Reddit basement-incels apparently waste their life-times dreaming of the Roma...

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