Entries 2,199
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july 2
Oh, all the sudden the dog’s my good buddy when he smells I have barbecue ribs. I SEE HOW IT IS, OLLIE. I see how it is. If you’re just tearing down the paint toward a slam, are you dunk-driv...
july 1
The fact that “Tammy 2” is trending and it’s not about a Tammy And The T-Rex 2 is national tragedy. A collection of crudely-sketched cartoons of R.E.M. called Animatic For The People. He lo...
june 30
LESS SNOWING, MORE MOWING The problem with drinking only one cup of coffee this morning, so that I could go back to sleep after working the early shift, is that I woke up with a caffeine with...
june 29
100% unchangeable infallible belief in anything is a great way to invite confidence men to twist that belief against you. May as well mark your own back with chalk as a rube at a carnival. If l...
june 28
A book on curing insomnia through analytical psychology called THE JUNG AND THE RESTLESS. To this day, when I see the Expos logo, I have to squint to remind myself that they were going for a ...
june 27
Make Wal-Mart and Amazon pay their fair share of taxes, we can do another stimulus, go to Mars, cancel all student and medical debt and, hell, we can even build a couple next battleships for yo...
june 26
I’m not a man of faith, I’m not even a man of hope really, compassion is more my jam, but I’ll give you this one for free: either we are all God’s children or none of us are. We’re either each ...
june 25
. “Two Guys, A Girl And A Quiet Place” would be a great pop culture mash up. I’m sure someone’s working on a Bush parody called QUARANTINE. Terrify your children with tales of The Tooth Furr...
june 24
Democracy isn’t waking up to a Super Nintendo under the tree Christmas morning because you asked for it every day. Democracy is terribly difficult choices and terribly easy math. And screaming ...
june 23
If only Ollie were more familiar with the Rolling Stones catalogue, I’m sure he’d find me singing “I CAN’T GET NO, SASSY FAT DOG” to him funny. It’s astonishing the extent to which the fringe...
june 22
You can name your tiefling rogue “Thiefling”. It is not against the law. If you’re asking me to choose between human lives and the economy, well, assets to assets, dust to dust, peoples is pe...
june 21
You could name your life cleric Lester Restoration. I’m just saying here. It isn’t supposed to be this cold when the sun is out this early. Seasons, my dude, pick one. The Insane Clown Poss...
june 20
Yeah, well, what if it isn’t such a great googly moogly? What if it is merely an adequate googly moogly? What then? I fear that if I didn’t have sacrilege, I wouldn’t have any rilege at all. ...
june 19
Somewhere, there is a furry ruining a great banger of a song by singing it “uWu, Wewewowves of Wondon, uWu”. If you need to remember to social distance, think of how terrible Aerosmith’s cove...
june 18
Your heist-focused rogue-heavy D&D campaign will be called “Ocean’s Elven”. Way this year is going, April worries bring May flurries. Imagine exposing yourself to a potentially deadly d...
june 17
America on 4/20/20 was, like, five thousand rednecks coughing on each other on governors’ lawns chanting “WE THE PEOPLE” and three hundred million stoners looking at their marijuana buds in the...
june 16
HARD PILLS TO SWALLOW: Bitcoins are just Beanie Babies for libertarians. In a way, they ARE socially distancing, just with extra steps. Who would wanna hang out with a jackass who goes to a g...
june 15
It’ll be like an ice cream truck but we’ll go around selling pens and pencils and paper goods and stuff like that. We’ll call it MOBILE STATIONERY. Your horror show about an Italian chef so b...
june 14
It’s a chalupa shell filled with a spicy cheese sauce and Slim Jims. It’s called the Nacho Man Randy Sandwich. What if we get a Democratic governor to tell them to never put salt in their eye...
june 13
Maybe we could just tell these people that President Obama said that breathing is really cool and just… see what happens next? At some point, they must’ve called that cologne just Spice. Wh...
with a cause
in a universe where decay is written into the very code of how atoms work where entropy will always win the war even if we can hold it off in the battle now and again in a...
june 12
Lately, to the tune of the State Farm jingle, I want to greet the dog: “Hey look there’s Ollie, fat tiny bear!” Understanding the sweetness of a good pun streak really only takes getting on a...
june 11
Seeing Jack White in a dream is a sign you are going to watch a Tim Burton movie in the near future. Wal-Mart has us so broke by putting all the small businesses that paid better out of busin...
june 10
A parody of The Flaming Lips “She Don’t Use Jelly” based around the line “she was in quuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaarintine, quarantine!”? You will do angry punk covers of classic rock staples as THE RO...
june 9
I want to show up at a party where I was supposed to bring snacks, claim that I am the snack and then sheepishly go out to the car and get the snacks when no one agrees with me. I still can’t...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
