Entries 3,029
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sept30
If you’ve hurt yourself while dancing in the club, you may be eligible for twerkers compensation. “Beans beans the musical fruit”? You mean, lentil illness? Bird is drone, turtle is roomba...
sept 28
So many rednecks throwing in with Russia these days, in hopes Eastern European Daddy will repress American minority groups for them, pretty soon “Hootenannies” are gonna be called “Putinannies”...
sep26
All sex is causal sex, if you’re time traveling. Celine Dion covers as metal songs and you call yourselves “Celine Dio”. It isn’t about doing what makes you feel better, it’s about doing th...
sep24
“I had no idea that a man who would go on a reality television show to purchase a mail order bride could turn out to be a narcissistic jackass!” Man, if these things weren’t 115% fake, I would ...
sept22
I MAY have gotten a line on purchasing the sign for the abandoned porn store out on the highway out of town, because I saw them tearing it down, and I’m just saying I’m probably the most awesom...
sept20
You know though, if the Trojans HAD looked a gift horse in the mouth… It’s a shame how many people would appreciate overlaying the lyrics to Thela Hun Ginjeet over the tune of Eleanor Rigby, ...
sept18
Morgan Freeman’s character in ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES was named Azeem. #TheMoorYouKnow Often, super hero films are forced into dark gritty mode, not because that’s what works for the s...
sep 16
Developing your writing is like building furniture on a deserted island. Before you can even have the tools to construct a bed, you have to make the simple tools you’ll use to create the more c...
sept14
A D&D campaign about the aftermath of The Great Modron March would be totally post-modron. The collective term for fifty-two Mondays is “a Case of the Mondays”. If you really think abou...
sept12
You will cover Lou Reed’s METAL MACHINE MUSIC on actual industrial machinery and you will call your band “Computer Numerical Control Music Factory”. Harvey Dangerfield got no respect for bein...
sept10
You know, my generation is so jangled up in nostalgia, we probably have more kids named “Gosalyn” from Darkwing Duck than the actual name “Rosalyn” her name was a comic corruption upon. I’m not...
sept 8
A nun-fetish themed Only Fans account called “Thots & Prayers”. I want Southwest Salads and McWraps back. YOU MADE ME DIABETIC, MCDONALDS, YOU OWE ME LOWER CARB OPTIONS. YOU OWE ME. A b...
sep 6
There was never a porno parody of Jim Varney’s oeuvre titled ERNEST GOES TO TOWN and we’re all slightly lessened for this fact. Would a tasting of New Zealand’s beers be a flight of the Conco...
sept 4
All I’m saying is that The Butthole Surfers’ song “Pepper” ripped so hard that no one else should be able to use that title any more. I’m looking at you, Death Cab for Cutie. See also Elliott S...
sept 2
The procedure had been botched by an unanticipated complication, the patient had nearly bled out on the table. The oral surgeon had a panic attack, balled up on the floor of his office, until a...
august 31
I want to watch the characters in a Fast and Furious movie battle a vampire named Carjackula. And I want Carjackula to win. When you use terms of violence, even in metaphor, eventually someon...
august 29
“You can’t masturbate when your hands are in prayer” said the religious pamphlet. “I take that as a challenge of my prowess!” he thought. Writing while feeling maudlin is a lot like grocery s...
august 27
I think about a generation who practiced duck & cover in school in fear of being nuked by another country, now not giving a damn about kids getting shot in those same schools because owning...
aug 25
McNugget dip, straight from the sweet and sour source. (to the tune of GNR’s Double Talkin’ Jive) Bubble poppin’ game, get the money Bubble Popper, cuz I got no more Tetris If you only beli...
aug 23
A horror movie set against the backdrop of the Trojan War that somehow involves the line “the call is coming from INSIDE the horse!” I have never watched “Ted Lasso” and I do not know if “Jas...
august 21
The best I can wish for anyone is that they might meet someone who can tolerate their neurosis with grace and similarly tolerates theirs. That’s the ground from which the seed of real love migh...
august 19
Flamin’ Hot Cheetos as a starting point, not a logical conclusion. Moving forward to Molten Cheetos. Sublimating Directly From Solid To Gas Cheetos. Plasma-State Cheetos. History is full of a...
august 17
My D&D character transcribed mythologies & histories in a monastery archive before turning to adventure. My running gag for him is that a lot of those stories are riffs on our pop cultu...
aug 15
I sure hope they call the porn parody “Everythong Everywhore All At Once”. XFL, as in “ex”, as in “some of these guys used to be football players”. I don’t know if there’d be juice in a sto...
august 13
If I owned the world’s largest skunk as a pet, I would definitely call it “The Stink Panther”. With March 10th being Super Mario Day and May 4th being Star Wars Day, I guess it’s inevitable t...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
