Entries 2,781
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may 18
At the GLAAD awards, is the celebrity swag bag a GLAAD bag? Today I learned, in an earlier version of Dungeons & Dragons, there was a spell called “Protection from Law” and I just think, ...
may 16
When they change the actors playing Ronald MacDonald, that’s a McRegeneration. You know what would be worse than Yahoo Serious? His lascivious cousin, Yahoo Sensuous. But what is a wizard’s...
may 14
Here’s the title for the worst movie ever: WHEN FIERI MET SALLY. Do ghosts consider the whole bed-sheet costume thing an offensive stereotype? A group of Kryptonian criminals escape the Pha...
may 12
CHARLIE DON’T SMURF. How was there not a mid 90s Ren and Stimpy rip-off on the off-hours of Cartoon Network called SOUR CREAM AND BUNION? It just FEELS like there would’ve been one. The onl...
may 10
Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! updated for the modern era: Ripley’s Don’t Need Your Validation! You know what would be a really weird video game that you could never get the IP rights to make? H...
may 8
we have pets so we can pretend we’re not crazy people talking to ourselves now I wanna write a Beastie Boys parody in the character of the Beagle Boys from Duck Tales “Fast X” sounds like a...
may 6
Put the “disco” into “disconcerting”! All about that bass, bout that bass, NO DIGGITY. The realization that just as April Fools is the worst day to prank because it’s ruined by the amateurs...
may 4
Claiming that you cannot be prosecuted for a crime committed at the Outback Steakhouse because the sign says “no rules, just right” is LITERALLY more coherent a legal argument than anything bro...
may 2
Imagine using the term “based” unironically. I kind of hope the Eastern Orthodox Church has a version of the Easter Bunny called The Eastern Bunny. He’d probably be about the same but he’d co...
april 30
It’s the new foundational text on the topic of noodles, it’s a real manipesto. Sometimes I think about Hank Williams the 3rd, having to play split sets of the metal he loves with the country ...
april 28
You could make a continuing podcast about how terrible the Star Wars prequels were & never run out of material. You would have to get more & more granular over the decades, sure, but th...
april 26
Your band will now be named “Wario Argento”. Trust me, this is for the best. My favourite kind of unreliable narrator is the kind that THINKS they’re utterly reliable, BELIEVES they’re tellin...
april 24
Garfield, hitch-hiking down a rural road with a guitar strapped to his back. A bumper sticker on his guitar case. It reads “This Machine Hates Mondays”. Those who see a partner who’s totally ...
april 22
Cake Boss presumes an opposing force, a Cake Union, to save the humble Cakeman from the oppression of the Cakemachine. As foretold in the novel, THE CAKE JUNGLE. A snuggie but it has the text...
april 20
Did the other ghosts consider Slimer to be a traitor to his kind, more or less peaceably living with the enemy? Did they develop slurs to throw at him? “Hey, skinlover, save some hot dogs for t...
april 18
You know how you’re instantly skeptical of every headline on April 1st where only the lamest try to lie? Take that approach to social & regular media the other 364 & you’ll be ok. The O...
april 16
I still don’t get why they don’t counter-program against the college basketball playoffs with a Simpsons marathon called “Marge Madness”. There’s only, like, 35,000 half hour episodes of that s...
april 14
Step 1: join a D&D campaign. Step 2: create a female variant-human war-domain cleric named “Saint Edna Vincent Melee”. Step 3: ??? Step 4: Profit. A group of people all exit the grocery s...
april 12
If you’re often feeling blue at night, that could just be your Cerulean Rhythm. How have Timothee Chalamet and M. Night Shyamalan not collaborated yet? Maybe in a remake of Phenomenon. The...
april 10
They’re making all the venial sins into mortal sins these days. It’s sinflation. Andrew Garfield presumes the existence of Andrew Odie. What is pregnancy but swelling in reaction to a nut a...
april 8
Ankles? More like ACHE-les, amiright? (Please, weather, make up your mind so my legs and back stop hurting.) Top Chef assumes the existence of Bottom Chef and that’d probably be a more intere...
april 6
A running an inn in a roleplaying game universe simulator game called LUNCHEONS AND FLAGONS. Sizzler was just the city Ponderosa. In the end the closest thing we have to magic on this munda...
eventually
there is no lasting profit to cruelty no permanent gain involved in selfishness because the richest and most powerful humans to ever walk this earth, this well-ruined earth all, to a woman ...
april 4
Jared Leto ruined method acting and I’m sorry but we now have to throw it out. Sorry, I know some people did good things with it but it’s ruined now and we have to move on. He could clearly s...
april 2
Why call them “drinking holidays” when you could so easily call them “blackout dates” instead? Medusa milk is required to create gorgonzola cheese. Sometimes my brain sings the old Sweet Pi...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
