Entries 2,519
Page 1 of 101
may 18
Why be “Rasputin” when you could be “FELONIOUS MONK”? A parody of “Shipoopi” from THE MUSIC MAN about ninja video games “Shinobi”. Garfield + Arbuckle = Garfunkle. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. ...
may 17
With Rupert Friend trending because of some Star Wars thing or another, all I can imagine is a really confusing conversation between Rupert and Frankenstein. “Rupert Friend?” “Rupert Friend?” “...
may 16
The fact that we are accelerating toward a situation where cryptocurrency will be literally worse for the environment than paper money backed by barrels of crude oil is so deeply 2021. Greed ki...
may 15
Okay, when the bars start opening up again, here’s the best name for a band ever: Greg T. Nelson. The French have a saying for when you have the exact minimum of something and any less would ...
may 14
The worst movie merchandising of all time would be a King Kong kink gong. A parody of that “I Don’t Believe The Hype” song about a woman who knows a guy is lying about his height on an online...
may 13
“I thought you may need a snack after a long evening fighting murder clowns, sir.” “Thanks, Alfred, set it next to the Bat-Computer.” “Your hot-butlered popcorn, sir.” “My what?” Alfred holds a...
may 12
The best, the brightest, they are quicksilver, gossamer, dissolve like breath in winter, too pure for this botched earth. Its on the rest of us to hold to their commission, do good with our lim...
may 11
LESS WHODUNNIT, MORE WHYDUNNIT. A generation that knows how to rest but has never known how to truly relax. Even if we’re laid off, even if we’re locked-down-in, even if we sleep ten hours st...
may 10
If anyone asks you about your dental check-up, just say you had a cavity search. It’s technically true. A head canon where there’s panic at the disco because of the arcade fire next door, cas...
may 9
She was the master of mapping out the endocrine system, a regular Gland McNally. The Razzies aren’t enough, we need The Baities, an award ceremony for the worst Oscar-bait shallow failed “art...
may 8
Something that culturally feels like it must have happened, but didn’t, is Scooby-Doo meeting Gilligan’s Island. They both knew the Globetrotters, you’d figured they would’ve introduced them. ...
may 7
An Eminem/Smashmouth mash-up (smash-up?) called RAPSTAR built around the line “Some-BODY once told me, don’t eat Mom’s macaroni, you’ll puke when stage-fright goes to your head”. A goth Weeze...
may 6
Sometimes green highlights in black hair look great if you’re going for a goth or emo thing. Sometimes, though, it fails and just looks like you’ve made your hair an ad for Monster Energy Drink...
may 5
The clinical term for the fear of Italian food is “fettuccineafraido”. Death-metal covers of Imagine Dragons and you’re called Imagine Dungeons. Unlike Jesus, Hamlet died for all our indeci...
may 4
I declare that the little flavour-wad in the middle of a store-bought hummus be called “the nugget”. Sometimes you just gotta open a new one because you were really needing the hummus nugget th...
may 3
I don’t know how therapeutic reiki is or isn’t, I just know that if you say it two times in a row, it sounds like you’re scratching a record. It’s okay to admit that every time in your life y...
may 2
Love when a Twitter profile’s just a bunch of job titles there’s no way you could be all at the same time: “Manager/Actor/Writer/Trainer/Producer/Model/Influencer/Photographer/Lawnmower Repair”...
may 1
You promised Tarantino you were going to wear open-toed sandals but you showed up in closed-toe sandals and now he’s calling you a Crocs tease. Even the best periscope is sub optimal. If Co...
apr 30
Only a little iced tea left? Put more ice in there. A LOT more ice in there. Repeat until you have homeopathic iced tea. A show about the security guards for a gated-community’s homeowners as...
apr 29
If someone claims to be knowledgeable on Scottish history but seems suspiciously ignorant on the topic, yell “PICTS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN”. I hope we get aliens from Vega here, some day, and ev...
apr 28
An emo song called “Don’t Fear The Weeper”. Yeah, Hogwarts has chocolate frogs, that’s cool. But you know what’s REALLY cool? CARMEL CARMEL CARMEL CARMEL CHAMELEONS. It just struck me that ...
apr 27
Any time I read the phrase “youth hockey” I briefly imagine it means that they use children as the puck. The Kings of Leon are releasing their album as a Bitcoin? Damn, first just their sex w...
apr 26
Name-brand string cheese just hits different. Napkin pitch for season two of Wandavision: Wanda and Darcy go on a Thelma & Louise - style roadtrip together to try and get her mind off the...
apr 25
If the publicly intoxicated are thrown in the drunk tank, are the publicly stoned thrown in the dank tank? I like to imagine that for over two centuries, the seven Presidents of the United St...
apr 24
In England, the head of a restaurant kitchen is called a “Cheoff”. We only serve one dish: General Tsiao’s Chicken in a bread bowl. We are PANDERA EXPRESS. A surrealistic drunken tour of a ...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
