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1.) If you were REALLY cool you’d start recutting old DALLAS footage into a Beverly Hillbillies-style sitcom with a laugh track, call it OIL IN THE FAMILY and deliver it to me once a week. 2.) Wh...

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1.) be longing, belonging, be, longing 2.) A middling all-female Weezer cover band would cover their entire catalogue and be called “Sheezer”. A GREAT all-female Weezer cover band would ignore ev...

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1.) The three most important factors in easily-distracted real estate are practice, practice, practice… I mean… location, location, location. 2.) You will cover terrible old rap metal as polka an...

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1.) An ad for Verizon starring Denise Crosby and Brent Spiner, talking about their high-speed data service. “You know all about that, don’t you, Denise?” “Maybe a little TOO high-speed for my tas...

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1.) A conspiracy theory where the world is secretly ruled by sentient bullets but the rightful kings have been unseated twice by having Kennedies thrown at them. 2.) In film lingo, the last set-u...

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1.) Just because a character that is a terrible human being has a few redeeming or interesting traits doesn’t mean you are owed that they suddenly turn out to be heroic at the end. In fact, that ...

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1.) Boosting your overall life confidence through romantic encounters is called “successual healing”. 2.) I’m surprised there hasn’t been a Deadpool choose-your-own-adventure in the Old West call...

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1.) Your band will be called Square Bob’s Spongebath. 2.) Down the highway, plastic signs alternate for Pop Warner football sign ups and psychic readings, both selling desperate hope for greatnes...

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1.) Trump as contrapositive to Gatsby, born too rich to ever suffer the consequences of a lifetime of failures and crimes, feigning normalcy through terrible taste in food, TV & sex. Tom Buch...

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1.) Always always always pretend to confuse “quinoa” and “ben wa”. It never ceases to liven up conversations. 2.) The problem with tipping points in history is that there are too many people out ...

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1.) “Keep your nose to the grind,” they told the young piece of glass, “and some day you’ll make a spectacle of yourself.” 2.) If you’re rich enough, you can tell your client “someone will be wit...

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1.) Your restaging of “Game of Thrones” in the pastel American 1980s will be called “A Song of Miami Vice and Fire”. 2.) Today I learned: frothing milk for lattes and cappuccinos is surprisingly ...

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1.) This morning, driving to a medical appt in Herkimer I reflexively turned left on 5S toward Ft. Plain instead and had to turn around in some farmer’s driveway, shows you I’m getting into the g...

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Sure sure, keep having your proms, just know you’re making the Big Limo Lobby stronger with every awkward move to third base in the back. Nothin’ like a 40 deep line at baggage claim to say “Amer...

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1.) The NBA playoffs take so damn long, I like to imagine beat writers sending letters to their families back home, in Ken Burns sepia tones with a lone violin score: “Dearest Martha, it has been...

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1.) Believe a storyteller too literally and you might be myth taken. 2.) Long term stock investments are all about the company you keep. 3.) If I were a Highlander, I would hang out with vampire...

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1.) If you “create” “wealth” without making anything useful, if you “create” “wealth” by tearing down something vital, it’s not that you’re smart, it’s barely even that you’re lucky. You’re just ...

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1.) You ever have a nightmare where you are being the version of you that would’ve made one of your exes the happiest and halfway through the dream, you realize that being that version of you is ...

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1.) Yes, you could write a parody of Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven” about the Catholic hierarchy of angels called “Tiers in Heaven” but, yeah, I am the only person who would find it funny. 2.) ...

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1.) I kind of want to write a story about two artificial intelligences that fall in love, each thinking the other is human, and when they discover this, they both reject each other disgustedly be...

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1.) Your vegan metal band will be called DESPAIRAGUS. 2.) Yesterday was the Star Wars holiday, today is the hard liquor holiday… may the fifth be in you! 3.) Asked what the five hour long practi...

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1.) The government can’t impinge upon your right to free speech. That’s it. That’s the first amendment. When you start riffing on how a private business like a social media website or a club or a...

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1.) last few years my heart has been/in a state of permanent flinch/half has been what happened/half has been how I reacted to it/seized up in perpetual defenses/screwed on into a wince/but I hav...

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1.) Apparently the new big thing for kids is dressing as horrifying owl-demons. Cool, cool. We’re basically going to need to be horrifying owl-demons to weather the future laid out before us, it’...

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1.) The knuckle-ball is a holy thing, a pitch where the point is that even the pitcher doesn’t quite know where it’s going so how the hell are you as a hitter going to know either? If there’s a G...

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