Entries 3,495
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a17
A hamburger eating competition should always be a double elimination tournament. After being widowed by three rich old men, she took on the nickname Mysterious Circumstances, which they ...
a15
If you call your roofing company “HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA”, like, 83% of the internet becomes a stealth ad for you. A middle-aged middle-class Deftones cover band called “The Geofftone...
a13
It’s a shame Marvel already established her as being Canadian because if you had Squirrel Girl coming from New Jersey, Ms. Marvel could be like “Oh, I’m from Jersey City, where are you from?...
a11
ALADDIN but the genie is hard of hearing and he turns him into a ladder. It is always important to remember that the Columbine murderers were not put-upon nerds reacting to bullying. The...
prompt: save, title: the highway less traveled
Rick, a middle-aged tax accountant with a wife and four kids from the suburbs in Orange County California, hovered above the roadside alongside the archangel Samael, both immaterial. Unseen by a...
a9
It’s like The Yule Log except with Tool songs instead of Christmas carols. The Tool Log. “Don’t cry for me, Pasadena, the truth is you’re a freeway” The Pagliacci joke except the doc...
a7
A parody of Frank Zappa’s “A Little Green Rosetta” about Frank Frazetta. I typed “lofi beats” as “lofi bears” and, somehow, yes, there is a youtube channel about lofi music hosted by car...
a5
I miss when characters had weird imaginary phrases to replace their curses. Like “Great Rao!” or “Great Caesar’s Ghost!” or whatever. I’d love to see a cowboy who replaced all his swears and...
a3
If you’re tasked with an anti-opium ad campaign, you can have the slogan “JUST SAY NOPEIUM!” for free. Because that’s the thing. They WEREN’T chocolate-chip cookies. They were “Chocolaty...
a1
Olive Garden should lean into their reputation and unveil a mascot named Vom Deluise. “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” Dour. Violent. Fatalistic. “No dream survives contact wit...
m30
Why say “space janitor” when you can say “vacuum cleaner”? Violence never really fixes a problem. Maybe it kicks a can down the road, for violence to crop up again. Maybe it turns you in...
m28
Why say you’re a “circuit rider” when you could say you’re “giving out preach-arounds”? “Hozier” just sounds like the fancy Quebec way to say “Hoser”. Like “ooh, Molson XXX instead of ...
m26
If that’s what the food is like in GREAT Britain, imagine how bland it must be in plain old REGULAR Britain. I’m like that three-eyed fish in the Simpsons. I’m a really STRANGE catch, bu...
m24
My best trait? I never relinquished my child-like over-active imagination. My most annoying trait? I never relinquished my child-like over-active imagination. “It’s Ms. Jackson, if you’r...
m22
The Bagel Bites jingle as a slow mournful bluegrass dirge. “Pizza… in the… morning. Pizza in… the evening. Pizza.... at supper… time. When pizza is on a bagel.... you can have… pizza… anytim...
m20
At wizard libraries, they don’t have Summer Reading Challenges. They do have Summoner Reading Challenges but, most of the time, the prizes just end up burning down a peasant town. An ad ...
m18
Standing room tickets at concerts only exist as part of a conspiracy between Ticketmaster and Big Lower Back Surgery. French cows be thanking you all “mooey bien”. One of the highest...
m16
The Stations of the Crossfit! Blaspheme your way to fitness! I wonder if a youth pastor has tried connecting with The Youth by saying “Now, Jesus was a very charismatic speaker… which ma...
m14
Our shared humanity should supersede every other sub-identification, real or imagined. We should see every other person as exactly us, under the meaningless layers. It doesn’t, though, it ha...
m12
Why say “macaroni butter” when you could say “elbow grease”? If there’s a God & an afterlife anything like near-Eastern monotheism suggests, I guarantee you when you proclaim your re...
m8
Ultimately, the timing of their heights wasn’t quite enough in tune to get us around to “Fiona Snapple” and that’s a shame. Next time someone is trying to get dates by showing himself in...
m6
I wonder if at any point in his career, someone told Ted DiBiase “hey, if you’re playing a bad guy, you should call yourself Ted Deviousi instead, that’s a good wrestling name”. At the r...
m4
I have like ten ideas about the Ben Folds Five album cut “Jackson Cannery” but obscurity is no aid to comedy. A parody about a lich and it’s “and I’ve got my phylactery”? Mash it up with Jam...
m2
Oh no! The only frozen treat the truck sells is vegan tofutti pops! Goddamn the Good Humourless Man! You will cover Rush songs in a death metal style as TOM SLAYER. Did we ever get a...
f28
Doing something terrible and then defending yourself with “well, other people have gotten away with it before, so I should be able to as well, it’s only fair!” is the rock-bottom argument fo...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
