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1.) Leave it to the History Channel to pretend that African folk couldn’t figure out how to build the monuments and instead find the one crazy white guy white and crazy enough to blame it all on ...

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1.) After every Jurassic Park movie, there’s a spike in baby dinosaur adoptions because they’re just so cute and within a year, most of them get abandoned in the forest. When you drop a dinosaur,...

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1.) The Star Wars premise of “ain’t gonna work on Beru’s farm no more” functions for either a Dylan parody OR a Rage parody. 2.) These evangelical born-agains don’t follow Jesus’ path, they follo...

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1.) I often say that there should be a chef-themed metal band called ROLLING BOIL but only today did I realize the lead singer should go by the stage name “Gorgon Ramsay”. 2.) A hack of TOMB RAID...

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1.) You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can even pick your friends’ nose (if that’s what everyone’s into) but you can’t pick your friends’ battles. Focus on picking your own. A...

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1.) Don’t have heroes, have influences. Heroes tend to crush you when you find out how much of their public image is a sham. Influences are fluid, changeable, negotiable. It goes without saying t...

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1.) It started by telling you that a black politician couldn’t possibly be American and then by telling you that a woman who can lead must somehow be a fraud. When they tell you who they are, lis...

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1.) No no, it’s not a Cloak of Invisibility, it’s an Invisible Cloak. It won’t make you invisible but it will make you slightly warmer than your enemies suspect. 2.) Fraternity legends speak of t...

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1.) This week in “Terrible Pharma Ads On Facebook Where The Generic Name Sounds Like An NPR On-Air Talent” is CHANTIX (varenicline). “For Marketplace, I’m Varen Icline.” 2.) Curiously, the plural...

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1.) Before the rats leave a sinking ship, they are known to cause quite the commotion. 2.) I just wanna know what Dante’s Disco Inferno would look like. 3.) Today’s song for the dog is to the tu...

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1.) The cops almost caught the Victoria’s Secret shoplifting bandit but in the end, he gave them the slip. 2.) No, the nerdiest thing I could ever write would be a parody of Ozzy’s “Mama I’m Comi...

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1.) Captain Kirk time-travels into a Target in 2019 and is suddenly very sad, assuming the entire staff is about to die on the next away mission. 2.) Every time you get a receipt from CVS, an acr...

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1.) The Old Milwaukee ban at the Utica Human Pong match would reek of “desperate P.R. stunt to remind us we have a Human Pong team” except that the reek of the Utica Club is covering up that smel...

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1.) If you want to kill the author, you also have to kill the context you bring to the work yourself. Good luck with that. So too with the text of reality, a possible supernatural’s intent & ...

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1.) If we must be put into identity boxes, at least don’t just be in one. Have fifty or seventy things about you that are all co-equal so when they try to lock you down in one box, you can just h...

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1.) Part man, part wind instrument, all cop. OBOECOP. 2.) I’ve always found it interesting how people are all like “the original gray Hulk was supposed to look like the movie version of Frankenst...

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1.) They should’ve named the mouse that lived for decades because of Jesus powers in THE GREEN MILE “Murray” so he could be “Murray, Christ mouse”. Murray Christ Mouse and his Many New Years! 2.)...

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1.) So this nightmare was about being trapped in nesting levels of a virtual reality experience, in a mall that didn’t exist in real space, trying to escape without getting caught up in an espion...

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1.) In two years, the end of year wrap up stories are going to be insufferable with “2020 Hindsight” wordplay. 2.) The realization hits how many inner city school shootings happened for decades b...

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1.) The study of ancient wolves is called “barkeology”. 2.) In Ireland on December 27th, the children are visited by a magical leprechaun who brings them batteries for all the toys Santa brought ...

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1.) You will only solve food crimes and will demand the title “private ingestigator”. 2.) As a Cuse fan & alum, gotta admit, sometimes SU basketball is more entertaining when they’re bad. The...

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1.) A painting of five different personae of Doug Funnie playing cards with each other called “Dougs Playing Poker”. 2.) I feel like we’re near a point where a Kevin Spacey/Donald Trump/Louis C.K...

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1.) The hook up site for really short LGBTQ folk should be called Stumpgrindr. 2.) I just wish Pauly Shore had been in a Nightmare On Elm Street movies so Freddy could’ve put his head in a vise a...

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1.) Sometimes I like to say Josh Groban’s name like he’s a He-Man character. Like “Gro-BAN”. Like Gro-Ban and The Masters of Mediocrity. 2.) The version of COME TOGETHER about Ollie starts “Here ...

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1.) Part of me wants to point out that “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” is kind of the same song as the theme to “The Nanny” but another part of me wants to write a parody about Trump’s appease Putin boogi...

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