Entries 3,505
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m7
The weirdest thing about how around the bend on materialism we are is that, like, if you want your children to end up good people, the easiest way to make sure that never happens is to be ri...
m5
It’s a hell of a thing, we don’t get to be gods in flesh or by half as demigods or anything like that. We all just got this little faint stain of it there in our almost entirely animal mixtu...
m3
What’s a well-edited essay’s blood called? Typo negative. A medieval bard version of Salad Fingers called Ballad Fingers. I am so sorry you cannot enjoy the wonderful taste of cilant...
m1
Kazoos! For when you want to punish your friends for having kids but you can’t quite afford to buy their brats a drum kit. An Austin Powers sequel entirely built around the fact that eve...
a29
Someone mentioned that Jane Pauley hosts some weekend thing on CBS now and, honestly, I thought she’d died like 20 years ago. Is this a “Mandela Effect” thing or do I just watch so little br...
a27
I’d rather help imperfectly than not help perfectly. A satire of how Iron Man’s alcoholism story arcs have aged like milk, using the Rocketeer’s addiction to clove chewing gum, and then ...
a25
A movie about a test tube baby mix up called SPERMS AND CONDITIONS MAY APPLY. Kids: MOM, BUY US JIMI HENDRIX! Mom: We have Jimi Hendrix at home. (The kids’ faces droop in disappointment ...
a23
There’s something simultaneously hilarious and heartbreaking about seeing someone devoted to a celebrity who would think of them as less than human and wouldn’t cross the street to spit on t...
a21
LESS BAD BOYS, LESS BAD GIRLS, MORE WEIRD BOYS, MORE WEIRD GIRLS Ronald allows the Hamburglar to get away with his harmless petty attempted crimes, not out of the goodness of his clown h...
a19
A Culture Club parody about the ambiguous irrelevance of the semi colon called “Comma Chameleon”. Shape cold cuts into beautiful bologna peonies. EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE BLUES could’ve...
a17
A hamburger eating competition should always be a double elimination tournament. After being widowed by three rich old men, she took on the nickname Mysterious Circumstances, which they ...
a15
If you call your roofing company “HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA”, like, 83% of the internet becomes a stealth ad for you. A middle-aged middle-class Deftones cover band called “The Geofftone...
a13
It’s a shame Marvel already established her as being Canadian because if you had Squirrel Girl coming from New Jersey, Ms. Marvel could be like “Oh, I’m from Jersey City, where are you from?...
a11
ALADDIN but the genie is hard of hearing and he turns him into a ladder. It is always important to remember that the Columbine murderers were not put-upon nerds reacting to bullying. The...
prompt: save, title: the highway less traveled
Rick, a middle-aged tax accountant with a wife and four kids from the suburbs in Orange County California, hovered above the roadside alongside the archangel Samael, both immaterial. Unseen by a...
a9
It’s like The Yule Log except with Tool songs instead of Christmas carols. The Tool Log. “Don’t cry for me, Pasadena, the truth is you’re a freeway” The Pagliacci joke except the doc...
a7
A parody of Frank Zappa’s “A Little Green Rosetta” about Frank Frazetta. I typed “lofi beats” as “lofi bears” and, somehow, yes, there is a youtube channel about lofi music hosted by car...
a5
I miss when characters had weird imaginary phrases to replace their curses. Like “Great Rao!” or “Great Caesar’s Ghost!” or whatever. I’d love to see a cowboy who replaced all his swears and...
a3
If you’re tasked with an anti-opium ad campaign, you can have the slogan “JUST SAY NOPEIUM!” for free. Because that’s the thing. They WEREN’T chocolate-chip cookies. They were “Chocolaty...
a1
Olive Garden should lean into their reputation and unveil a mascot named Vom Deluise. “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” Dour. Violent. Fatalistic. “No dream survives contact wit...
m30
Why say “space janitor” when you can say “vacuum cleaner”? Violence never really fixes a problem. Maybe it kicks a can down the road, for violence to crop up again. Maybe it turns you in...
m28
Why say you’re a “circuit rider” when you could say you’re “giving out preach-arounds”? “Hozier” just sounds like the fancy Quebec way to say “Hoser”. Like “ooh, Molson XXX instead of ...
m26
If that’s what the food is like in GREAT Britain, imagine how bland it must be in plain old REGULAR Britain. I’m like that three-eyed fish in the Simpsons. I’m a really STRANGE catch, bu...
m24
My best trait? I never relinquished my child-like over-active imagination. My most annoying trait? I never relinquished my child-like over-active imagination. “It’s Ms. Jackson, if you’r...
m22
The Bagel Bites jingle as a slow mournful bluegrass dirge. “Pizza… in the… morning. Pizza in… the evening. Pizza.... at supper… time. When pizza is on a bagel.... you can have… pizza… anytim...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
