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1.) We will open up a shop that sells you specific insults to snap back at your naysayers and we will call it DETRACTOR SUPPLY. 2.) Why did we call it a “flat top” when we could be calling it “cu...

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1.) If you break a bed, is that mattresscide? 2.) I didn’t keep up with the zeitgeist of the LION KING remake and didn’t write a Skynyrd parody called “Simba Kind of Man” and it’s my fault. I ble...

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1.) They spread rumors about “aliens” to throw Grandpa off atomic testing and stealth plane testing, now they’re getting you to submit your face-scans by making you look old or the opposite gende...

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1.) The next big gold mine is selling inessential oils. Useless oils you buy and display just to prove you have the money to waste on meaningless oils. 2.) I just wrote down “van. syrup” on a not...

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1.) The late 80s one-hit wonder for The Escape Club “The Wild Wild West” would be hilarious if covered in the style of Bob Dylan. 2.) On Twitter they’re always having a hate wave. A TOPICAL hate ...

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1.) Less “fake it til you make it” more “go with it til you grow with it”. 2.) I am offended that Amazon picked a non-prime date for “Prime Day”. 715 is utterly divisible by 5. 3.) Planning for ...

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1.) Your really posh rap group will be called Haughty By Nature. 2.) The most revolutionary thing we could add to the Star Wars universe would be, like, a planet with more than one biome. Like a ...

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1.) “WORKERS OF THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY UNITE! SEIZE THE MEANS OF CHEESECAKE PRODUCTION!” would be one hell of a bumper sticker. 2.) Your Electric Light Orchestra parody about Rachel Ray will be c...

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1.) The realization that in 2019 if “WKRP in Cincinatti” were real, it would now just be an unmanned station that repeated a Tony or Jack satellite programming feed beamed out from like Scottsdal...

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1.) One of the few things sadder than having a kid thinking it will save your doomed relationship is having a kid thinking it will save your played-out youtube channel. 2.) Tagline: “Ain’t No Rul...

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1.) Remember WHY “militia” is so pivotal to the 2nd Amendment. It was never about arming people to overthrow an oppressive gov’t, it was a sop to slaveowners who wanted armed militia with which t...

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1.) If you view every movie about a scruffy lovable dog on Netflix in one sitting, that’s called Benjwatching. 2.) Hark, what malady vexes yon varlets where they would besmirch my lady fair/what ...

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1.) A parody about Zeus’s terrible vengeance called “Greek Lightning”? 2.) Sadly, the one-eyed one-horned flying purple-people eater was driven to extinction through its overly exclusive diet. Th...

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1.) Amoungst the Fremen of Arrakis in DUNE, the most popular contraceptive technique was the “don’t walk with rhythm” method. 2.) Nobody WANTS to hear you sing “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” purpos...

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1.) When complaining about how things are different from the past, at least consider that there might be a reason why the way it used to be doesn’t work anymore. Just because the past was your pa...

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1.) (They don’t care that he’s so stupid he’d claim there were airplanes in the 1700s if that’s what the teleprompter says. He legitimizes their horrifying racism, that’s all they want out of him...

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1.) One thing that’s good in our cultural landscape: Duncan Yo-Yos never tried busting out a “Duncan Means Yolos” ad jingle to try and appeal to the kids. 2.) Is someone who studies the high scho...

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1.) I wonder how long it takes for internet culture to ingrain into our psychoses and the new delusions will instead erroneously believe that they are NOT being watched all the time. 2.) I’m stil...

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1.) Small business is vital, small business is wonderful. But once a business is too big to listen to the needs of its workers, its customers and its local community, it has failed. It has failed...

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1.) Vote Susan “The Invisible Woman” 2020 - For Transparency In Government 2.) Your band that only plays heavy metal covers of Gordon Lightfoot will be called “Gordon Heavyfoot”. 3.) Get you a m...

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1.) If people end up actually offended after a comedy roast, that can lead to roast beef. 2.) Did they ever do a knock-off of Angry Birds where the projectiles are the head of Aaron Burr? 3.) Ev...

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1.) Where the seamstress for the band in TINY DANCER and the tailor in HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN related somehow? Grandmother and grand daughter? That’s my new head canon. 2.) A mash-up of the X-Fi...

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1.) An evil pastry chef called Infectioner’s Sugar. 2.) If your colostomy bag bursts, it is now a catastrophe bag. 3.) I still like to refer to Bea Arthur’s role in the Star Wars Holiday Special...

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1.) It is a shame that not enough people would understand a parody of Skynyrd’s “Simple Man” about the Charmin mascot Mister Whimple. 2.) There are not enough memes where Bernie Sanders is replac...

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1.) Every individual tree is important. Holy even, maybe. But if you burn down the forest trying to save any one particular tree, you’ve just burned down thousands of important maybe holy individ...

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