Entries 1,994
Page 1 of 80
dec 10
Tightrope walkers need to maintain work-life balance most of all. Ours is probably the only other universe, other than the HOME IMPROVEMENT universe itself, where Americans would be dumb enou...
dec 9
An argument in a sauna can quickly escalate into heated debate. If the pope swapped out the Swiss Guard for a bunch of warrior nuns to ensure his safety, would they be an order of protection?...
dec 8
You have no idea how many times I thought they were saying Donkey Kong in the song WINDS OF CHANGE before I realized they said Gorky Park. If I were on a campaign bus through Iowa, I would de...
dec 7
All I know about “modern” country is that their names could all be the names of like mid-tier WWF wrestlers. I’m pretty sure there’s some dude out there named Luke Bryan but I’ve no idea if he’...
dec 6
A reality show about tracking and confining business people trying to manipulate public policy so that they don’t have to pay their fair share of taxes called Shirk Tank. My love language is ...
dec 5
You’re lucky I don’t know diddly about The Dragonballz else I’d be doing a parody of the entire musical EVITA about Vegeta. A robot band should count off their rhythm in binary. Sometimes I...
dec 4
Before our society completely collapses, we really ought to bury some stashes of McDonalds memorabilia strategically so that the alien anthropologists think the McDonaldland characters were act...
dec 3
If Canadians can somehow stomach the horror that is Clamato, there should be a Canadian protein drink called Mussel Milk. I feel like the disgusting touch screens at McDonald’s are a stealth ...
dec 2
They didn’t need the help of the world’s fattest knight to win the battle but it was nice to know he was there anyway. It never hurts to have Sir Plus. A series of BDSM-themed workout videos ...
dec 1
“Better than any of the Terminator sequels after T2” is the definition of damning with faint praise. I just realized what we can call the super rich evangelical extremists propping up Trump i...
nov 30
Mr. Bean but actually made of beans. Without all the weird hair and beard and whatnot, Guy Fieri kind of looks like Ted Cruz’s non-evil twin. The most terrifying concept I could come up wit...
nov 29
In Soviet Robocop, machine rages against YOU. If something is similar in form and tone to Billie Eilish is it Billie Eilishish? Basketball with fighting like 70s hockey would be called BATT...
nov 28
The Flash complains that the Cosmic Treadmill isn’t allowing him to time-travel and it’s really bringing him down. Batman explains that the Flash was accidentally using the Hedonic Treadmill in...
nov 27
Neurosurgery is often unnerving. On Soviet tumblr, otherkin identifies as YOU. The Swiss phrase for a Swiss Army knife roughly translates back into the English as “the toothpick that is mis...
nov 26
83% of all kids’ movies could be ended three minutes in by the phrase “Yes, there is actually a rule that a dog cannot play basketball. It is the very first rule to basketball in the basketball...
nov 25
If you sell freeze dried pork products, the only acceptable name for your line is Kelvin Bacon. If you celebrate your victory by blasting precious sensitive indie-rock at your fallen opponent...
nov 24
But if I DID own a bakery supply store, it’d surely be called KNEADFUL THINGS. Eventually, as with all bands, Mumford and Sons will have one or two remaining members desperate for cash, touri...
nov 23
Big Guitar is just playing Guitar Leftists and Guitar Rightists against the Guitar Center. Wake up, sheeple. If you pick up and throw the guy dressed as Elmo in front of Times Square as far a...
nov 22
TAKE ME DOWN TO THE PARROT ICE CITY WHERE A GOOD SNOW CONE IS STILL A BUCK FIDDY, OH WON’T YOU PLEASE BUY A CONE? How hasn’t Marilyn Manson done a song called Demons Are A Girl’s Best Friend?...
nov 21
. He hurt his back falling into a wardrobe, suffering a narniated disc. If he had REALLY wanted to piss off Han Solo, Kylo Ren could’ve invited his dad to a meal of truce and during the desser...
nov 20
Lula roe is actually the eggs of people who demand to speak to a manager. Being trapped in my mind means spending a morning considering if the theme song to STAR TREK ENTERPRISE was ripped o...
nov 19
I don’t think that Mad Magazine ever did an article about being emo called “Welcome To The Blech Parade” and I think we’re all a little less for that. A magic item that gives you, like, +4 st...
nov 18
This sentence either is a tautology or it is not a tautology and that’s why it is a tautology. Maybe as we all are mortal, we should view all interactions with each other as palliative care. ...
nov 17
In trade for giving us a female James Bond, we will let you cast the antagonist as an apathetic millennial supervillain named Dr. Meh. For Halloween, I’m going to dress up as a functioning me...
nov 16
The REAL Loch Ness monster was Dr. MacFrankenstein, the head of the Loch Ness Tourism Board. I can’t recall what I had for lunch yesterday but I can sing you “Be cool about fire safety, be co...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
