Entries 2,910
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feb 5
All this talk about DIE HARD being a Christmas movie, but if you wanna talk about the arrival of a savior who is misunderstood, murdered and resurrected, then the real Christmas movie is THE DA...
feb 3
Note to myself I found in my pocket: “I’m on this Earth to do two things: Help people and drink coffee. And currently I’m all outta people.” I still can’t believe that they called it “Basic I...
f 1
I think FULL-FAT HIGH-MOISTURE MOZZARELLA is a great name for a band. I just don’t know why the adult film industry doesn’t call their end-of-year awards show “The Peepholes’ Choice Awards”. ...
jan 30
How about, like, steam-punk but for the age of media on magnetic tape? Tape-punk? Total early-VHS aesthetic. I think that’d be my throwback aesthetic. Any time a BBQ aficionado refers to them...
jan 28
THE SCRYING OF LOT 49 is a lot less complicated than THE CRYING OF LOT 49. She goes to a psychic who looks into a crystal ball and says “it’s a stamp collection”. Easy peasy. With Twitter on ...
jan 26
Why say “STD” when you could say “affection infection”? A parody of the Ben Folds Five’s “Jackson Cannery” about battling a lich. “that vampire’s chasing me but I got his phylactery, whoa-oa,...
jan 24
An all you can eat dumpling buffets invariably lead to wonton destruction. I don’t know what the “cyberchunk” aesthetic would look like but I think I’d like to invent it. I feel like if Har...
jan 20
Kicking it out to a wing for a risky three instead of going for an easy lay-up is known as the Dunk-Cost Fallacy. The glummest member of a Ren Faire troupe is called the “Theeyore”. If you ...
jan 18
The downfall of the organization for recovering bra-and-jock-strap fetishists was sewn by the fact they allowed them to call it a “support group”. Why say “rest stop hooker” when you can say ...
ja 16
Ollie the dog wouldn’t eat anything today until the dinner scraps came. He knows what’s up. He’s wily. He wanted the good stuff and he planned. I respect that weird fuzzy little lump so much. ...
ja 14
The most ridiculous thing about Elon Musk is that he really thinks he looks like a rebel fighting for his right to party, when he looks a lot more like a frat boy on dad’s yacht trying to frees...
ja 12
In the GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY’s porn parody, was the Groot analogue a tree-lady with a great ass who could only say “I AM GLUTES”? If not, come on, just ask me for the best ideas and give me a...
jan 10
Do perfume testers have competitions to see who is the best in the world? Do they have Smelling Bees? Before you eat that Christmas cookie, look down to it and whisper “You’re about to take a...
jan 8
In hopes of recruiting more students, the veterinary college is holding an open horse. Michael Crichton’s long-anticipated thought-lost final novel “Science Did An Oopsie”. If Hannah Montan...
jan 6
I wonder how much it would cost to get Eminem to rap the lines “My name’s Barney Rubble and I’m here to say / I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way!” Why call it a “filet o fish sandwich” when...
j 4
I think the way to offend the maximum amount of people at once would be to write a story about Jesus going to a 2,000 years ago wizarding school. There’s something disturbing in there for every...
j 2
DECK THE HALLS as sung by Super Mario Brothers’ supporting anti-villain character Waluigi. we may all be merely the residue left behind after the creation of the poo from a certain point of ...
d 31
For all the many sins of youtube, the worst is how they all say “Super Mario Bros” instead of “Super Mario Brothers”. “Bros” is one of the weirdest most awkward words in the language and it is ...
d 29
A movie about time-travelers trying to fix a bunch of problems over a long weekend called CAUSAL FRIDAY. ASMR where I say soothing things to help you relax but not, oh, being a flirty doctor ...
d 27
You don’t gotta be angry all the time. You could also be sad! Heart-crushed soul-drained sad. That’s also a valid response to… all this. Switching it up between the two could do you some good. ...
jesus day barrage
All the amazing things you can do or be as a human, imagine being so dull and empty, you think that the definition of being a hero is “has a lot of money”. That’s what people hero-worship? The ...
d 23
A speed-dating event that’s also a potluck dinner called CASSEROLE ENCOUNTERS. Here’s something I say to myself before I perform, sometimes. “My words don’t speak for me, I speak for my words...
d 21
“Bitcoin for Dummies” is less a book title, more an awkwardly worded statement of fact. My favorite rap album about disaster prepping is, of course, “Tinderboxx (And The Ferrocerium Rod Below...
d 19
I feel very protective of spoken-word-only open mics. Yes, poetry & music are intermingled & there’s nothing wrong with occasionally lapsing into song as a PART of your poem, as punctua...
d 17
I’m not sure if it’s the BBC-preferred pluralization but “Doctors Who” just FEELS right. “Harbor Freight - It’s Junk That Will Crumble To Dust In Three Uses… But You Get A Free Plastic Flashl...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
