Entries 2,678
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oct 25
The price of a hit song is you have to play it 200 times a year every year the rest of your life. Hopefully your hit will at least be something tossed-off & stupid. If it’s your life’s work...
oct 24
Another thing I’d do with unlimited funds: a Muppet restaging of THE BIG CHILL. Another song idea with no audience: a parody of the Velvet Underground’s “All Tomorrow’s Parties” about Billy B...
oct 23
Happy Hondadays suggests the existence of Happy Hondaween and I don’t think even Honda wants that. I hope that slang for a British-made truck is a “Hugh Lorrie”. I sure hope that downstate ...
oct 21
A great name for a band would, of course, be “Hoodie Warrelson”. Sometimes I think about how in my own lifetime McDonalds had a salad with the wildly racist name “Chicken Salad Oriental” but ...
oct 19
Every story’s a ghost story, if you’re willing to cut through the artifice and metaphor. Someone or some thing is gone and you’re haunted and you’re wailing out in hopes someone else is haunted...
oct 18
You know, you could make a hell of a lot of money selling Lovecraft-themed marijuana stuff. “Ain’t nothin’ more dank than smokin’ Chthonic”. More terrible-but-interesting ideas: the noir-musi...
oct 17
When you consider that “Fe” is the atomic symbol for iron, Ironman totally could’ve called himself FeMale. I mean, yes, sometimes you just sing the lyrics to Space Cowboy over Fiona Apple’s C...
oct 16
An instance of cannibalism in Turkey would be great for a “Donner kebab” joke. When one publicly admits to fetish wear, are they “coming out of the corset”? I’d certainly eat at a barbecue ...
oct 15
Everyone overlooks their less-well-known neighbors, Carlsadequate Caverns. If someone yells “IT’S ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE!” yell back at them “IT’S BEN AND JERRY, NOT JEN AND BARRY!”...
oct 14
If you read all of your own personal problems into the movies you watch, whether or not they actually resonate, are you a film projector? The reclusive toy car magnate, Willy Tonka. Conside...
oct 13
When you sign a predatory student loan at 17 you’re supposed to see through the consequences of your actions, but when you’re a 35 year old dentist who broke into the Capitol to try & murde...
oct 12
45 scarves is a “Stevie Nicks” worth of scarves. Rejected R.E.M. tracks like “What’s The Median, Stephen?” and “What’s The Mode, Gerard?” That’s a real Gerard Depardon’t. A Soundgarden so...
oct 11
A Christmas version of IRON CHEF hosted by Santa Claus and at the beginning, he yells “JOLLY CUISINE!” Halloween parody of “Golddigger” called “Gravedigger”. CARTOON ALL STARS was and is st...
oct 10
The part of the brain that remembers 90s one-hit wonders is called The Lisa Lobe. The weirdest Pokémon of all would be Giglipuff. I feel like it’d be fun to convince someone that “finsta” w...
oct 9
Updating the cataloguing for the reference section of the library where I work, I realized at last what people did before facebook: extensive exhaustive family genealogies. As a person who su...
oct 8
I think if you wanted to come up with the worst aesthetic ever, “the bastard child of Ed Hardy and Lisa Frank” would be a good place to start. Do the neo-fascists know that whenever we see th...
oct 7
Does Oscar The Grouch refer to a one-night-stand as a “grump-and-dump”? Some lessons about British history are literally Tutorials. A candy tie-in to the new DUNE movie: “Many Great Sweets ...
oct 6
PAUL BLART MALL COP 3: ACHY-BREAKY BLART A cut of vegan meat substitute called “beef pretenderloin”. Whenever someone’s complaining about Big Pharma, pretend you think they’re saying “Big F...
oct 5
Rival emos battle each other in sadiatorial combat. You will perform mediocre neo-Celtic rock tripe but at least it will all the lyrics be about Bill Murray films. You will carve out a cult n...
oct 4
A southern-rock alternative to the R&B/Soul of the California Raisins called “The Almond Brothers”. People thought ODB was singing all nasty about sex when, really, he just really loved s...
oct 3
On one hand, of course we should make fun of Nickelback. They are bad and they should feel bad. On the other, it’s weird to focus all the scorn JUST on them. Korn, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, the...
oct 2
Yes, a normal spider is disturbing, but imagine a DADDY LUNG LEGS. Just… lungin’ around all lungy. A square slice of cheap pizza is a cesarean section. Why say “plagurism” when you can say ...
oct 1
A hot dog stand review site called “frank.li”. I wasn’t being sarcastic when I said “oh, he’s still alive, good for him” when I saw that the guy who played Carlton on Fresh Prince is apparent...
sept 30
My knowledge base is ultimately a lot like a Kardashian: annoyingly shallow yet pleasingly wide. Success is fleeting and rare but in failure? In failure, baby, we are all united. Where woul...
sept 29
If they were going to call the show “The Big Bang Theory” then they owed us witnessing all the characters dying a heat death in the end. It would’ve been the first interesting thing to happen i...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
