Entries 2,593
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july 30
A strident screed about Italian cuisine is a manipesto. So did the Muadib show up in Space Jam and make it SPICE JAM or… If you morph your hands into bird talons and rip his genitals off be...
july 29
Jimmy Buffet’s arraignment of “O Fortuna” called “Carmina Bahamas”. Closed-casket for the peering-impaired. Make a bike out of copy paper and call it a “stationery bicycle”. The only thin...
july 28
“Once You Pop, You Don’t Stop” and “You Can’t Eat Just One” are both just a hair away from the slogan “YOU WILL BECOME PHYSICALLY ADDICTED TO THESE CHIPS”. GIMME THE BEANS, BOYS, TO FILL THIS...
july 27
A Japanese video game about childrens’ dances called HOKEY POKEY PANIC. Does Optimus Prime poop from his semi colon? Sometimes, you just want to wear a shirt with the word SANDWICH on it, i...
july 26
Cross-stitch is some hard Emmanuel labor. As we are around 80% water, occasionally we must drink something that’s 80% alcohol, to balance it out, you know, from time to time. A woodworking ...
july 25
“Ten billion,” he whispered. “Thanks,” she replied, “that means a lot to me.” The Terminator statue at the El Rancho Drive-In looks almost exactly like Lou Reed. It’s amazing. Loki, riding ...
july 24
In Soviet Russia, dragons imagine YOU! I can’t believe that the fragility of American masculinity hasn’t tried to re-brand male pedicures as “getting your bronails done”. The heart of a neu...
july 23
Slugging percentage is pretty, it’s flashy, have a fun weekend with it but it’ll eventually ghost you, let you down. On-base percentage, man, if it consistently singles and walks, you put a rin...
july 22
A Lou Reed themed breakfast cereal called Metal Machine Mueslix. If the machine we’re supposed to rage against is Machine Gun Kelly, all the better. The first rule of Oak Club is orc hits y...
july 21
…HI, I’m on Wings, WHAT, I’m on Wings, WHO, I’m on Wings, wicka-wick, TIM DALY… A start-up website for potato recipes: SPUDIFY. Like a great airship felled by the awful summer weather, I sc...
july 20
How much juul could a Jewel juul juul if a Jewel juul could juul juul? The first rule of Floral Club is “mums the word”. The second rule of Floral Club is “mums the word”. Monday, July 5th ...
july 19
Can Bobcat Goldthwait do a distant sequel to SHAKES THE CLOWN called SHAKES ON A PLANE? Listened to a Neko Case song about how people were looked down on for being from Tacoma… and I thought ...
july 18
Neil Degrasse Tyson haughtily explaining that Science Diet is not actually made of science, it is just pet food. A film about the glorious battle to evict the boringness that is IKEA from Ame...
july 17
BLACK PANTHER 3: FINDING NAMOR I found those Geico ads irritating immediately, right from the gecko. England should colonize lower Oregon just so that their regent there could be called the...
july 16
“No no no, my uncle works at Apple,” he said, “that’s why I got my hands on the greatest upgrade of all… the jPhone.” On the one hand, Yogi never tells us if he’s comparing himself to the ave...
july 15
I guess I’ll have to write my parody of Free Fallin’ about Phil Collins eventually. Twitter has become J. Jonah Jameson, banging the table demanding TRAILERS OF SPIDER-MAN! RESOLVED: feet c...
july 14
“open the maze, get on the floor, everybody fuck the minotaur” Your punk band will be called BORN ON THE FILTH OF JULY. Just saw an ad for some scam weight-loss thing called Nugenix and… ar...
july 13
Whenever Marvel introduces the Hercules character into live-action, there are going to be SO MANY Locules shippers. I wonder if women in retirement homes refer to booty calls as “getting some...
july 12
Don’t mind me, just signing Rammstein songs about Star Trek Voyager. TU. TUVOK. TUVOK IS. TUVOK IS RAD DUDE. It was such a huge herb garden he lost track of thyme. “Never be content” is pro...
july 11
Don’t mind me, just signing Rammstein songs about Star Trek Voyager. TU. TUVOK. TUVOK IS. TUVOK IS RAD DUDE. It was such a huge herb garden he lost track of thyme. “Never be content” is pro...
july 10
If you own the world’s greatest race-horse and you don’t name it “Haulin’ Oates” you do not deserve to own that majestic creature, let alone to profit off its labours. You just let that thing f...
july 9
“Why did you buy that Dutch language version of Boggle at the thrift store, Mike?” “BECAUSE IT WAS THERE.” Lankershim, darlin’, Lankershim, NoHo where all that tinsel dims Television execut...
july 8
Eating someone’s trail of breadcrumbs, dooming them to death lost in the woods, because of his political stances, that’s just Hansel Culture. You’ve heard of popes and anti-popes but have you...
july 7
They’re not Band-Aids, that’s the brand. They’re bandages, Band-Aids are just bandage’s monster. A show about the adventures of a vegetarian bear named Lentil Ben. The people who cry foul t...
any port in a storm
you’re looking at it the wrong way don’t try to will yourself to the other side of the world or universe instead will the place you desire to exactly where you’re standing don’t ...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
