Public

idea barrages

by littlefallsmets

Entries 1,733

Page 1 of 70

11 hours ago

mar24

1.) Making gravy from scratch brings up fond memories. 2.) Your album of death-metal covers of R.E.M. songs will be called “Problematic For The People”. 3.) You don’t want to make the cool kids ...


1 day ago

mar23

1.) Walk around with an exaggerated limp and if anyone asks say that you took a shell in the Storage Wars. 2.) Sometimes, I will come up with a weird pun in my dream, type it into dream social me...


2 days ago

mar22

1.) The e-mail from Google telling us to save anything on Google-Plus because it’s shutting down adorably presumes that anyone used Google-Plus for any reason other than claiming an account in ca...


3 days ago

mar21

1.) How many journalists are waiting for a big yogurt heist so they can run with the headline “Cultural Appropriation”? 2.) We are moving toward the singularity where so many have declared for th...


4 days ago

mar20

1.) You can’t know a culture from what it creates to last, that will only tell you the lies it told itself about itself. What that culture creates to be disposed of, that will tell you its tale i...


5 days ago

mar19

1.) The water on the ground isn’t frozen, the water in my blood should be just fine too, no jacket required. 2.) SHE HAD A RASPBERRY BIDET, THE KIND THAT YOU GET IN A FANCY HOTEL 3.) What does ...


6 days ago

mar18

1.) The difference between the ability to fund-raise & the ability to generate actual general-election votes is a reality a whole lotta of people don’t wanna admit to right now. The middle cl...


7 days ago

mar17

1.) People who think we can reverse global warming by talking nice about the planet are proponents of the flatter-Earth theory. 2.) Whenever Syracuse is good at basketball or football again, have...


March 15, 2019

mar16

1.) We took the clock down as it finally died and the stain it left behind looked like the Starbucks mermaid. Not like Jesus or even like Elvis, even the mystic auguries are just corporate logos ...


March 14, 2019

mar15

1.) You will name your band “Malcolm Jamal Warrior”. 2.) They never clarified exactly what they meant by Denver The Last Dinosaur being a friend “and a whole lot more” from in this one mistake, I...


March 13, 2019

mar14

1.) In hell, Richard Nixon has been forced to be damnation’s car mechanic just so that Satan can force him to ask for tools with the phrase “Socket. To me.” 2.) I’m open to the idea I’ve been den...


March 12, 2019

mar13

1.) One of the hardest things to admit is that some do their best work with limiters on, not off. Sometimes being confined by rules & regs focuses you while wild riffing lets you be an incons...


March 11, 2019

mar12

1.) Maximizing short-term profit without regard to your community is unpatriotic. 2.) Pierce Brosnan should’ve played Paul in DUNE at some point because his first name is literally a killing word...


March 10, 2019

mar11

1.) Whenever I hear the phrase “George RR Martin” spoken outloud, i think someone is agreeing with a pirate. 2.) If someone is only with you in hopes of getting a diamond engagement ring, are you...


March 09, 2019

mar10

1.) It’s National Day Day the day we all come together as a nation to celebrate our tradition of declaring days to mean things. 2.) If you vape while riding an e-scooter, God will drop a fedora s...


March 09, 2019

mar9

1.) Your Elton John parody about Star Trek Discovery will involve the line “I remember when Spock was young, he and Burnham had so much fun”. 2.) You gotta czech yourself before you wzech yoursel...


March 08, 2019

mar8

1.) The mumbled line in Paul McCartney’s song “Hands Across The Water” that goes “the butter wouldn’t melt so I put it in the pie” is a lot funnier if you imagine he’s saying “she’s little in the...


March 06, 2019

mar7

1.) When you accept we’re all just mostly water, you’ll finally be able to accept how changeable we all are, we are none of us just one thing, we freeze, we steam, we sublimate, it happens. 2.) I...


March 05, 2019

mar6

1.) Your mash-up of ALL STAR and LOSE YOURSELF will involve the line “Somebody once told me, don’t puke mom’s macaroni”. 2.) No one will take your claims of having synthesized a new element serio...


March 04, 2019

mar5

1.) I feel like if we can just hold onto this civilization long enough to get around to Sacha Baron Cohen starring in a Tony Shalhoub bio-pic, that will be the needed thing to pull us all back to...


March 03, 2019

mar4

1.) The colloquial greeting Down Under “mate” has its origins in the local popularity of the male name “Mathan”, of course in honour of one of it’s founding fathers Sir Mathan Austrail. 2.) Today...


March 02, 2019

march3

1.) Mystics and statistics, gods and the odds, there may be magic out there but there’s a lot more frauds. 2.) I guess I’m the one human on the middle-ground that agrees that PETA was cartoonishl...


March 02, 2019

mar2

1.) Is a controlling polygamist a possessive plural? 2.) I only divulge my breadmaking skills on a knead-to-know basis. 3.) If someone drops a tree on your house and you don’t immediately yell “...


February 28, 2019

mar1

1.) The trick, I guess, is to guide people toward being better to each other without having your message corrupted by the power structure built to disseminate it. Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, whoever...


February 27, 2019

feb28

1.) We specifically got a heavy metal hinged lidded kitchen trash can so this dog wouldn’t be able to get in the trash anymore. Damn thing pulled the little bit of bag hanging out of the can unti...


Book Description

originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes