Entries 5,283

Page 5 of 212

Why say “winter snow removal budget” when you can say “slush fund”? Why say “lingerie” when you could say “hornaments”? When you sensually kiss, stroke and suck a girl clown’s beep n...

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The worst thing about being dead other than not being alive, of course, is the way that absolutely nothing changes. Everything changes for you, sure, you’re no longer corporeal, no longer able t...

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If you think about it, every wheat field is really just a potential beer garden. I hope the next Godzilla flick is called “The Square Root of Godzilla”. I hope it’s middle-school math ti...

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Being in your 40s is going on YouTube towards massage and chiropractic videos for psychosomatic relief for your awful awful back. Sometimes I have self-pity about being single but on m...

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Letter to my 15-year-old self: When someone’s ending every fourth sentence toward you with a comma and the word “friend”, it means they’re trying to be very nice about saying that they aren’...

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So, apparently, Tic-Tac has a jingle called “Take A Ride On A Tic-Tac” and they had no idea that all us old Gen X cynics would immediately assume this was code for clitoral manipulation dur...

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On the eighth day, God rested again. And on the ninth and the tenth and the thirtieth day and the three hundredth, God continued to rest. Finally, one morning God said ‘we’ll call this Boredom!’...

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When the Sangertown Mall Ruby Tuesday closed, I didn’t think to sing “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday” outside its shuttering doors and, frankly, I will own my horrible failure in this regard. If a...

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A parody of Raffi’s “Baby Beluga” about gingko biloba. Ah, tennis match fixing to skew gambling. The Racket Racket. A parody of the George of the Jungle theme that involves the line...

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An EDM song about the Shrek character Puss in Boots because they all sound like “boots-and-CATS-and-boots-and-CATS-and-boots-and-CATS” to begin with. A GILF porn shop celebrating its gra...

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When Santa’s sleigh crashed in the Rockies in the 1800s, sure, Santa’s immortal but the very-much-mortal reindeer had to resort to cannibalism for any of them to live, going down in gruesome...

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There is something oddly fascinating about cultural notions that only made sense in one small window of the zeitgeist, surviving beyond their usefulness, treated normally outta sheer social mome...

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The sheer gullibility of social media is surprising until you remember that, from the start, the internet has always been a series of rubes. I honestly had a positive opinion of Licorice...

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A Southern warlock with a walking chicken shack called Bubba Yaga. A romantic-comedy amoungst Greco-Roman mythology called “Satyr Anything”. The song Caribbean Queen sounds so much l...

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Did Jimmy Buffett ever write a song about a depressed man going to the doctor and being prescribed some “Vitamin Sea”? It just seems like something he would’ve done. A Shrek / Dragonball...

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“Hello everyone,” the middle-aged man rose to stand behind the particleboard podium, in front of a disused chalkboard, in the most obscure room of a church’s basement, “my name’s Joe and I’m a r...

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Just a little snooze to whet the palate for the bigger sleep later. A nappertif, if you will. Why call it your “pornography stash” when you can call it your “thirst aid kit”? You cou...

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A parody of MAMMA MIA about mild edema. The M&M mascots are unsavoury characters. The pop mythology of Thanksgiving is gross & weird & racist, but we can decouple it from...

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Maybe the REAL monster was the friend Frankenstein made along the way. Keurig machines are so janky that after about six months, every one of them has this specific series of extra opera...

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It really is all your fault, y’know. The horrible state of the world, the fire and ice, the floods, the earthquakes. The rising tide of fascism, the collapse of nations, the existence of that ‘r...

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Why call them “tree ornaments” when you could call them “branch dressing”? Wars within an aristocracy to reshape the monarchy can be an heir-shaving experience I think it’d be fun if...

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A kids book about Santa’s housecat, Felix Navidad. If your feet hurt while astral projecting, you might be suffering from planar fasciitis. A moment of feeling genuinely good looking...

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I now demand a sequel to Angels in the Outfield where Satan helps New Jersey win a Stanley Cup called DEVILS ON THE ICE. I now demand slangs for ALL the D&D stats, Rizz, Stitz, Genz,...

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A parody of THE BLACK PARADE about psychology would have to start with the line “when I was / a Jung boy / my father / took me into the city / to see a Freudian”. You can’t use art to fo...

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I own a laser-disc of 1962’s ‘The Manchurian Candidate’ which starred Frank Sinatra and Angela Lansbury. My brother Dan bought it for me as a gift and I love it. Now, this isn’t because I’m any ...

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