Entries 4,116

Page 5 of 165

The logical endgame of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is, of course, Schrodinger’s Butter. You cannot know if it is or is not butter until you open the box. Uber but the driver shows up in a...

---

The optimal name for a punk band is “Shrektal Thermometer”. We haven’t had a mash-up of CITIZEN KANE and A CHRISTMAS CAROL yet. A Scottish cake boss may well have to make the bagpipes with ...

---

Step One: start a business. Step Two: create a mascot called Murray Little. Step Three: frame all your holiday ads around the slogan “have yourself a Murray Little Christmas! Step Four: ??? Ste...

---

When you’re young and everyone’s so inexperienced and insecure, it’s a minefield trying to talk to whoever you’re dating about your exes. Are they going to feel like you’re comparing them to some...

---

Horatio Alger, who invented all the bootstrap idiocy upon which so many American horrors are founded, only became an author of wealth-worshiping drivel because he was run out of his hometown on...

---

Yeah, I’m singing that funk song “Brick House” but about looking a gift horse in the mouth. You’ll be doing it too now that you read this. Why say you “mend pants” when you can say you “dabbl...

---

You all worrying about where the pants would go on this or that, I’m still trying to figure out how many sticks you’d need to crucify a centaur. A rapper wasting money on a rivalry is a lot l...

---

Maybe the real monster was the big head we gave Todd along the way. Imagine being so rich that no one can tell you that Jar-Jar Binks is a bad idea. Just really get into that idea and sit the...

---

Step into my Parler, said the con-man to the chud… A head canon where Herbie The Love Bug was a prequel to the Cars movies. Eventually, someone breaks Herbie’s heart and he leads the rise of ...

---

I like mashing up Disney songs. I am currently singing Ursula’s song to the tune of I Can Show You The World. “Pooooooooor un-FOR-tunate sooooooooouuullllls…” The existence of Brawny Man beli...

---

at a certain point you’ll have to come to terms with the fact that you can’t come to terms with every single fact that’s in your life there will always be some loose threads ...

---

It was all over but the crying, that’s what they say. It usually isn’t literally true, though. That day, that time, that place, it was literally true. He was only kept alive by a respirator, brai...

---

Lucas is just salty that Disney-Plus isn’t making a spin-off series about his four-armed 1950s diner chef, Guy Lom-Bard-0, or whatever the hell its godforsaken name was. 25.12 is octopi, to t...

---

Anything a member of Smashmouth drinks before the encore at the state fair is technically a Rockstar energy drink. Is there… another terrifying Pinocchio live-action movie, where Roberto Pani...

---

The double negative of “ain’t no” actually suggests that either there are actually many parties like West Coast parties or that West Coast parties do indeed eventually stop. Sometimes I think...

---

this is my body hoc est corpus hocus pocus hokey pokey hokum hoax this is our blood whoever’s the best at comforting lies gets all the money and hurts us the most

---

Maybe Roger Rabbit was really framed by the friends we made along the way. Your Street Fighter musical will involve the song “Hello Dhalsim”. If you think about it, the ending to ITS A WOND...

---

How has there not been a Zoom fundraiser of some kind where Tilda Swinton stars in a read-through of an old FRASIER script? This seems like a no-brainer to raise money for some cause or another...

---

The seven or eight same royalty-free songs that all Youtubers use are the elevator music of our time. A leather shirt and body hair, that’s just the bear minimum. A burlesque show themed ar...

---

I am no man of faith but I know this much, the divine cannot be an excuse to hate, it must be a mandate to love. A cleaned up Johnny Cash song called WHOLESOME PRISON BLUES. A brand of Poli...

---

Love is our greatest blessing, love is our highest calling, love is our toughest challenge, love is our holy burden, love is the direction, love is the location, love is the speed, love love lo...

---

That lawyer in the really nice basketball shoes, he is your court-appointed attorney. His brother was also in the cereal navy, as a pastor attached for troop morale. He would consecrate the m...

---

grief replaces memory slower than the tides still getting the job done nonetheless inch by inch one atom at a time like fossilizing bone to eternal stone those fossils...

---

when the alien anthropologists find the massive sport stadia so central to our civic infrastructures as megaliths sprouting cities-within-cities beside they will mistake them as ou...

---

if you’re famous enough when you die they’ll name a street after you somewhere your name will live beyond you somewhere everyone will know your name somewhere if you’re famous enough when y...

---