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Page 5 of 128

1.) I know little about image creation but I’m pretty sure a well-crafted rendering of a Goth Sloth would probably go memetic. 2.) A book called “Vernon Dursley And The Creepy Nephew With The Abi...

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1.) “I now call to order this month’s meeting of the state hysterical society” the well-dressed woman intoned and then everyone in the room started screaming at the top of their lungs. 2.) A film...

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1.) Your yearly reminder that the least funny day to make jokes or play pranks is April Fools Day. When everyone’s expecting it, it isn’t funny. You’re like an amateur hour drinker on New Years o...

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1.) Your NIN parody about reverse centaurs will be called “Head Like A Horse”. 2.) I feel like we are only about three years away from a coffee commerical with a rap jingle called “Crank That Fol...

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1.) We could update the story to be about John Ennui, the steel-drivin’ emo scenekid. 2.) There are few better things on a Saturday afternoon than baseball on the teevee and enough coffee to kill...

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1.) You can easily make a fiction out of all facts. A fan wears his lucky socks every game. His team wins the championship. These things have nothing to do with each other but put together withou...

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“How about this title,” she turned to her wife with a pause so pregnant doctors would induce a labor were it not just a metaphor, “Pastrami Ennui.” Her professor wife looked up from her pile of b...

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1.) Following youtube way too much, it’s funny how “having a baby” is becoming part of a scripted progression to being a “lifestyle youtuber”. You run out of food to cook or challenges to accept ...

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1.) When writing fiction based on real people places or events, the key is to try and stick to the real, unless something made-up would be more emotionally true, then go with that. Like how Roger...

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1.) Does the worm in a tequila bottle violate Lenten Friday laws? 2.) The more fictional the story, the more you can actually talk about the raw feelings of your life, without feeling like a melo...

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1.) This NCAA tournament needs to be sponsored by Tums because it is chalky as hell. 2.) I wouldn’t wish my nightmares on the worst person in the world, even when I’m in a mood when I think I’m t...

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1.) Raisins are just grapes that gave up on trying to be delicious. 2.) Go to a bar in a nice suit and a gimp mask. Order a martini and when someone finally talks to you, introduce yourself as “B...

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“You’re a miracle, you’re… impossible,” the scientist yelled, but not as a compliment or even a statement of fact, it was an accusation, “I’m only normal. Christ, I’m far less than normal.” I ask...

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1.) Making gravy from scratch brings up fond memories. 2.) Your album of death-metal covers of R.E.M. songs will be called “Problematic For The People”. 3.) You don’t want to make the cool kids ...

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1.) Walk around with an exaggerated limp and if anyone asks say that you took a shell in the Storage Wars. 2.) Sometimes, I will come up with a weird pun in my dream, type it into dream social me...

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balance is what’s required to walk that multifold luminous with one foot in each side of some goddamned false dichotomy without falling to either side or beginning to imagine that that imagi...

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1.) The e-mail from Google telling us to save anything on Google-Plus because it’s shutting down adorably presumes that anyone used Google-Plus for any reason other than claiming an account in ca...

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1.) How many journalists are waiting for a big yogurt heist so they can run with the headline “Cultural Appropriation”? 2.) We are moving toward the singularity where so many have declared for th...

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1.) You can’t know a culture from what it creates to last, that will only tell you the lies it told itself about itself. What that culture creates to be disposed of, that will tell you its tale i...

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1.) The water on the ground isn’t frozen, the water in my blood should be just fine too, no jacket required. 2.) SHE HAD A RASPBERRY BIDET, THE KIND THAT YOU GET IN A FANCY HOTEL 3.) What does ...

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1.) The difference between the ability to fund-raise & the ability to generate actual general-election votes is a reality a whole lotta of people don’t wanna admit to right now. The middle cl...

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you’re either a steel-drivin’ man or you’re driven to steal baby, this is America, baby that’s how they tell us to feel so either get left a mansion or go push the wheel inheritance is theft ...

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1.) People who think we can reverse global warming by talking nice about the planet are proponents of the flatter-Earth theory. 2.) Whenever Syracuse is good at basketball or football again, have...

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Los Angeles has its ghosts, like anywhere, and like anywhere else, most sightings have practical explanation. Ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-nine percent of all hauntings are hoax or heating duct, d...

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1.) We took the clock down as it finally died and the stain it left behind looked like the Starbucks mermaid. Not like Jesus or even like Elvis, even the mystic auguries are just corporate logos ...

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