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well I’d rather be ugly than tired and I’d rather be smart than be rich and I’d rather just scrape by while having some fun than be some old billionaire’s bitch well I’d rather be ugly tha...

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Why say “winter snow removal budget” when you can say “slush fund”? Why say “lingerie” when you could say “hornaments”? When you sensually kiss, stroke and suck a girl clown’s beep n...

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When the Sangertown Mall Ruby Tuesday closed, I didn’t think to sing “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday” outside its shuttering doors and, frankly, I will own my horrible failure in this regard. If a...

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Just a little snooze to whet the palate for the bigger sleep later. A nappertif, if you will. Why call it your “pornography stash” when you can call it your “thirst aid kit”? You cou...

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all the dumbest assholes do cocaine all the dumbest assholes do cocaine how dumb’s a motherfucker gotta be to need to speed up in his brains? all the dumbest assholes do cocaine all the ch...

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In a world where student loans exist, how could we possibly be afraid of ghosts? We are all daily harassed by strangers from the other side of the world because of a decision we made at 17, ...

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Have you ever noticed how if the names of many skin conditions weren’t the names of skin conditions they’d be exotically beautiful names for woman performers? Like pop stars or strippers? ...

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If you don’t actually know her, please, give her the respect of calling her “Pajama Harvey”. Nicknames are for friends. Still don’t know why they haven’t tried a “Sabrina The Middle-Aged...

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life will beat you into sainthood if you live long enough life will rain down the brick fists over and over and over again purpling your flesh loosening your teeth blinding you with bloo...

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knowledge isn’t power knowledge is the opposite of power knowledge is the antidote to power power is everything ugly and ignorant about being a human being knowledge isn’t power knowled...

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Jesus Christ paid the price for telling people to be nice He was killed off by powerful men His current fans would all call friend would all call boss would all call “God” I’m sure old Chri...

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I’ve run outta vitamins and I’ve run outta weed and all the rest of the pills that some doctors prescribed can’t gimmie half of what I actually need two cups of coffee and a fistfu...

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(poetry contest entry for Dolgeville’s silver-anniversary of its violet festival) silver bells chime out the summer-time blooming across the ruddy-dusky skies as if Christmas bulbs strung up on h...

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I hope you die I hope you die ugly I hope you die fat and ugly I hope you die fat and ugly and old I hope you die old I hope you die having accomplished so many things having touched so ...

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a long time gone ago john henry was a man a long gone time ago he was a steel-driving man but now don’t misunderstand don’t let your senses leave he was ...

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John Jacob Barbenheimerschmidt, that name is my name too, whenever I go out, the people all will shout “THERE GOES JOHN JACOB BARBENHEIMERSCHMIDT, NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!” If a poorly-formed er...

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it is my generation’s remit to figure out how to piss on irony’s grave, but you know in a kind of a loving way? it made us feel so clever it made us feel so smart it ...

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you can’t tell the moon from the street-lights in the north countries up here at the edge of anywhere up here on a frozen winter’s eve not with those fogged eyeglasses ...

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I’m tired you’re tired he’s tired she’s tired they’re tired we’re tired in fact, to tell the truth I am fucking exhausted and if you’d tell the truth you’re exhausted too ke...

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If you want to know why you’re always hit on the most and the weirdest and the worst outside of the local gas stations it’s because the gas stations profit from being ...

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if it weren’t for all my sacrilege I would have no rilege at all and if I had me a good slingshot there’d be one less Policeman’s Ball because I may be kind of tall but I cheer a Golia...

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i find myself perpetually stalked by this doughy gruesome monster following me everywhere day and night all hours and all seasons but he is nothing if not a veritably wily grotesque I’...

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A parody of LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” about Conan the Barbarian starting with the line “Don’t call it a Crom back / I’ve no tongue for prayers”. Sometimes the ancient gods would h...

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now that the guy from Smashmouth has sadly shuffled this mortal coil I wonder who gets custody of Guy Fieri? is it Nickelback? do you think that it’s Nickelback? Scott Cr...

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Is there any grosser name for a cosmetic than “body butter”? It’s basically one shade less gross than “foot sauce”. QVC will be hawking “skin juice” any day now. Bath and Body Works selli...

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