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John Jacob Barbenheimerschmidt, that name is my name too, whenever I go out, the people all will shout “THERE GOES JOHN JACOB BARBENHEIMERSCHMIDT, NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!” If a poorly-formed er...

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it is my generation’s remit to figure out how to piss on irony’s grave, but you know in a kind of a loving way? it made us feel so clever it made us feel so smart it ...

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you can’t tell the moon from the street-lights in the north countries up here at the edge of anywhere up here on a frozen winter’s eve not with those fogged eyeglasses ...

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I’m tired you’re tired he’s tired she’s tired they’re tired we’re tired in fact, to tell the truth I am fucking exhausted and if you’d tell the truth you’re exhausted too ke...

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If you want to know why you’re always hit on the most and the weirdest and the worst outside of the local gas stations it’s because the gas stations profit from being ...

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if it weren’t for all my sacrilege I would have no rilege at all and if I had me a good slingshot there’d be one less Policeman’s Ball because I may be kind of tall but I cheer a Golia...

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i find myself perpetually stalked by this doughy gruesome monster following me everywhere day and night all hours and all seasons but he is nothing if not a veritably wily grotesque I’...

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A parody of LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” about Conan the Barbarian starting with the line “Don’t call it a Crom back / I’ve no tongue for prayers”. Sometimes the ancient gods would h...

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now that the guy from Smashmouth has sadly shuffled this mortal coil I wonder who gets custody of Guy Fieri? is it Nickelback? do you think that it’s Nickelback? Scott Cr...

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Is there any grosser name for a cosmetic than “body butter”? It’s basically one shade less gross than “foot sauce”. QVC will be hawking “skin juice” any day now. Bath and Body Works selli...

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we don’t need anymore gods or goddesses of war or violence or victory those things are done they’re out of style they’ve ruined too much of this place we don’t need gods of comm...

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sometimes I wonder if someone maybe myself maybe someone else some tail-end Generation X-er if one of us were granted a wish we didn’t know it but we got a wish and not knowing the power we he...

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every science-fiction thing seems to push the idea that we need to be afraid of the robots taking over terminator movies - robots taking over matrix movies - robots taking over...

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I wonder if Madonna manages to keep up her legendarily-terrible fake British accent even in the middle of coitus “oh, oh, call me Mummy, call me your Mummy, guv’nah!” “yes, ye...

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I walk a little blind dog for about a block and a half the one way then the same back and he pisses just about every five yards or so he marks his territory he doesn’t know that the...

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I just don’t understand why those two random guys were so goddamn excited about seeing a bird or a plane Superman, sure, I get that dude flying around in tights but “Look! Up ...

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maybe I should invent a job called “impersonal trainer” where you just yell into crowds or into a camera: HEY, YOU SHOULD EXERCISE I DON’T KNOW WHICH MUSCLES OR WH...

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when we arrived at this masquerade we couldn’t just leave someone already paid over time, we learned to dance our lives away to someone else’s beat by the ti...

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I’m sorry, Mister Williams Junior I am indeed not ready for some football I am in no shape for any sort of Monday night party It has been a really long day of work and Tomorro...

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I’m not a provider she was right her stepford montauk mcmansion mother was right I am not a provider I was never a provider I will never be a provider and not j...

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Irene, good night Irene, good night Good night, Irene Good night, Irene I’ll see you in my dreams I’d always kind of thought that Herkimer’s Pizza-Hut would manage to survive the heat-de...

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ancient troubadours rehearse in a tuneless droning verse of loves fucked up in youth patrons lost for told truth and the soothing thought for some that a death will eventually come ...

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this cracker-jack love while sweet clouds may fade with time the true prize endures

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if only you would pull me through that little screen I’d be your a-ha

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approximation in words, equivocation in action, a pity

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