Forever in Dear John

Things are not easy. Things are not easy at all. John is much better, but still not 100%.

We’ve had a very tough time. He’s told me he doesn’t know why but he can’t seem to treat me right, and that he’s selfish.

And I’ve told him exactly how that makes me feel. He’s listened. It’s not been easy, he hasn’t wanted to hear what I’ve had to say. And I haven’t wanted to be in a position where I’ve had to say it. He told me tonight that he thinks he needs to grow up and I think that’s probably true.

He asked me why I love him. I could tell the girls in work a million reasons. I even read back here to see what id written, given this was meant to be a chronicle of the ways I appreciate him. That’s when I realised that actually this is a catalogue of all the difficulties we’ve had recently. And in itself that’s an achievement.

I’ve never been in love like this. I’ve never felt like even though we have problems, I not only want to fix them, I’m fairly certain that if we both work hard at it and want it as much as the other, we’ll manage to fix things. I’ve always thought in previous relationships that things would never work out, and when I’ve walked away I’ve always been sure it was the right decision. I’ve never for one minute wanted to walk away from john. I’ve thought about it, I’ve thought it might be easier to be apart, but it’s never been what I’ve wanted.

I love that I can tell him anything. Good or bad, easy or difficult.

I love that he has his own business doing something he loves, I find that so inspiring.

I love that he’s a geeky guy and loves science and tells me all kinds of weird and wonderful things id otherwise never have known.

I love that he’s so good to his mum and uncle Ted, and I know I’ve written about that before.

I love how I know he’s capable of so much love. I hate that he has such a hard time showing me, I hate that I feel like he’s holding back, and that he’s afraid, and for some reason won’t just let go and love me like I know he can.

I love that when I said I wanted to make a website he didn’t laugh and just told me how to do it, and offered to help.

I love how courageous he is that he’s been through these struggles with his mental health and is making great strides to recover. That he wants to get better.

I love that when I ask him if he thinks about our future he has a five year plan. I hate that he keeps it so very very quiet and I have to drag it out of him but it’s wonderful to know that he thinks about it in very real terms.

There are a million reasons. It’s not always easy to remember them when things are as difficult as they are now but the million reasons will never change. How much I love this boy will never change.

I’ve never been in love like this. Ever. And I know i never will. This is the love of a lifetime.

Xx