Last night, he said..... in Dear John

I don't even know where to begin.

John is off work, with stress. He can't take the constant abuse from customers when there are no cars available, because when you've booked a car online you expect a car, and what customers don't realise is that hertz has no car counter. It just takes your booking and your hard earned cash, and leaves it's employees to deal with the shit.

So, I thought, he's signed off, he'll be getting paid, away from work, and it'll give him breathing space to decide on his next move. We had a really good chat at the weekend and he admitted to me how bad things were and how low he'd been feeling, and how ever since Glastonbury, when he came back ill, he's struggled to get himself going again with the leather business and all that. So I was glad he was being honest and confiding in me, and he said I was the only happy thing in his life at the moment, everything else felt a bit up the wall.

Until tonight. Cue me sitting in work, quiet night on the ward, thank god, when I get this message:

I've been thinking lots about us, I feel like I haven't given you my all..... Xx

Well what am I meant to think but here we bloody go, it's his prelude to we need some time apart/to break up/it's because I've got a secret lover. I kinda wish it was that simple, after everything that came after, where basically he told me all these things:

•that I'm his world and he's unmeasurably grateful for having me and sticking with him through this •that he's still a bit hung up on his ex, who destroyed his world. Not hung up as in wants to be with her, as in can't get over what she did •that he gets flash backs of finding out she'd cheated on him/dumped him/moved in with her new dude - via Facebook •that every time he sees the dog, it reminds him of her, because they got two pups together and now have one each, and he doesn't know how to break the association •that he's worried he doesn't want to live with me because everytime he's lived with someone it's gone tits up •he feels like he can't be himself around me because I don't understand his humour. In fact I do, I just don't always find it funny, and I know it's a bravado/defence thing sometimes, rather than him thinking soemthing is actually humorous, and I refuse to indulge it •that he's been smoking weed because he feels it helps slow his mind enough for him to actually think properly about things •that he's never dealt with his dad dying when he was a baby, because by the time he was old enough to miss him, it was widely accepted that he shouldn't miss him because he'd never known him. His mum also has not dealt with this loss, from 30 years ago, and had some horrible tempers and depressions which John bears the brunt of •that he feels like he's not worthy of me •that he's embarrassed to bring me to his mums because she smokes in the house and it reeks. This is true, but not soemthing that bothers me especially, she is who she is, she's not gonna pack it in now, and I have no problem accepting that •that he's ashamed of the weed smoking, that he's self medicating with it because he can't deal with his stress without a crutch •that he doesn't want to lose me but I need to assess how I feel about everything he's told me. That he'll understand if I don't want to be with him while he's like this.

What a can of fucking worms. Spilled wide open, all over the place.

I went on my break and just cried. I don't even know what to think right now. This is the boy I love, the boy I do genuinely see a future with, the boy that when I watch him sleeping - not in a creepy way - I look at him and hope our future children have his face because it's so beautiful. That's how serious I am about this boy.

The whole time he was messaging me, every message I received I thought, it's still ok, we can still deal with this. Then all the pot smoking stuff came out and I just felt so incredibly sad that he'd rather get stoned on his own that chat to me about stuff, he's supposed to love and trust me.

I just felt betrayed, i can't even say he's lied, more that he's omitted the truth, but it feels like a lie. It's secrecy. It's the, I thought I could stop on my own, but..... I've been through it all before with Alex, we had soemthing amazing and he chose to throw it away for drugs. I still get messages from him now, telling me he regrets his behaviour when we were together, asking for another chance.

John seems to think if I walk away now that I'll still be there when he's sorted himself out. That's not how it works. If I walk away now I won't be waiting. I won't give him the opportunity to do this to me twice. Either we stick together and work through it, or we walk away and sever all ties.

Honestly, I never thought he'd break my heart but i feel like he has with this. I love him, and I don't want to lose him, and I know he's right when he says that if we can get through this then we'll be all the stronger for it. It's just a massive great bombshell, all those things when he'd kept me in the dark about it, when he'd convinced me it was just work getting him down.

I literally can't even process this. I'm in the middle of night shifts, I'm tired and always emotional when I'm on nights anyway, I wasn't even on break when he was telling me all this stuff, I was on the ward, trying to maintain my composure while everything is falling apart in my personal life.

I don't know what to do.

Xx