How long will I love you in Dear John

I can't express in words how much I love John. Or the reasons why. It's never been a 'perfect' relationship, but he's perfect for me, and makes me ridiculously happy and giddy.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for this boy. But my god do I miss him at the moment. It's so hard, all this stuff that's going on. We had a really good chat over the weekend, and we've been on a few 'dates' this week which has been lovely. I think he's worried about being in the house with me, that maybe I'll try to jump him and he'll have to reject me or something!

I get his lack of libido. He's pretty flat at the moment altogether. He's trying really hard, I know, but his whole personality and being is just flat. And I miss him, I miss my john.

The doc wants to start him on antidepressants. He's given him a prescription today. John is reluctant to take them I think, and understandably so. He finally feels ready to sort the cause not just the symptom. He's finally ready to talk to someone, to open up, to unburden himself, and mental health service provision in this country is just appalling. Once you've jumped through hoops to get a referral for counselling, you then have a wait of who knows how long before you get your allotted several sessions only.

I should suggest he writes. At least that way when something is pressing heavy on your mind you have an immediate outlet for your worries. I think I'll suggest it tonight. It's always helped me, I've always written more in troubled times than good, too busy living life when it's good!

It doesn't even have to be here. It could be on paper, could be online, could be on the notepad on his phone, a word document on his computer. Whatever helps. If he feels like it. I've written a proper diary since I was 11, couldn't imagine not having an outlet, however frequently or infrequently I write, it's a comfort to know I have somewhere to turn.

It's a funny one, I've never had a problem expressing myself. John has had a stammer since he was a small kid, always got picked on in school, said he never felt like he could say what he wanted to, so over the years he just hasn't said what was on his mind because it's easier not to, less intimidating than standing up and making yourself be heard.

I would never have said I was a particularly aware person. But I've come to realise I must be. I know that however much time has passed, I've still got issues about my mum and her cancer. I'll always have guilt that I was so far away, but also it's not crippling guilt, being here is what she wanted for me, she needed me to keep the other two on track, she needed the previous three years to have not been a waste in regards to my nurse training.

Just waiting for John to arrive, once again, lots of things to talk about. We need to be better at talking to each other I think.

Xx