LachrymoseBeauty ⋅
My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.
Entries 236
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Trying to Turn it Around in Phoenix Rises Again
My life is in a bad place all around. I know I’m supposed to be positive but first Ima just dump some things here they’ve been bothering me. 1. A guy put his dick in me without permission and now...
Almost Drowned in Phoenix Rises Again
I’m sitting in the calm before the storm, Wondering if it’ll be worth it this time. Or if maybe this time, The storm I conjured with raw honesty Will finally drown me for good. I asked for what I...
Restless in Phoenix Rises Again
I actually really enjoyed quarantine when I was in my own house. But here I’m trapped. I’m bored. I have nobody to talk to and just bullshit. It’s too cold to go outside. I cant sleep. This bed h...
None of my Business in Phoenix Rises Again
So I’ve been struggling with these thoughts not knowing if it’s a good idea to write them here. Having no idea who might be reading this, but I figure I’ll just say fuck it and go ahead. So if yo...
A Day at a Time in Phoenix Rises Again
My brains not having an easy time of it today. Hormones are a factor. Stress is a factor. But ultimately what it comes down to is that bad days are inevitable so let’s do that positivity thing ag...
Then the Clouds Rolled In in Phoenix Rises Again
And then my mother walked in and destroyed the beautiful sun, covering the sky with cloud. No sunset, no beautiful storm, just ugly grey clouds. She’s ridiculous. Absolutely no fucks given for pe...
Overthinking, Sunlight, and Monsters in Phoenix Rises Again
The show was amazing on a whole new level. But of course now I’m overthinking every social encounter I had the entire night, like I do. Jay jumped off the stage and proposed to his girlfriend an...
Show time in Phoenix Rises Again
Its not time to get ready for the show yet but I’ve been mentally getting ready for days. Feels like I cant breathe. Not literally just mentally. Haven’t been sleeping well and I’m probably gonna...
Practicing Positivity in Phoenix Rises Again
Not feeling very positive today so I’m here to practice. I’m gonna leave put all the bad stuff. Only positive statements. Here goes. I’m talking to a really cute girl who seems interested in me....
Epiphany in Phoenix Rises Again
The truest realizations about life can be hard to handle. I had a breakthrough or two the last couple days and I figured it might be wise to write them down. Maybe it’ll be an entry of more subst...
Cant sleep in Phoenix Rises Again
Couldn’t sleep yesterday. Cant sleep again today. I can pretend its because I’m sick, but truth be told, everytime I close my eyes I’m back at summer camp and Jay’s making me cry for the first ti...
Just Wasting My Time.. in Phoenix Rises Again
So I drove all the way here. Five and a half hours. Messed up my hotel reservation, had 200 bucks go missing from my account, exposed my son to covid and didnt even get to see Jay. His band pulle...
Flaw of the Mind in Phoenix Rises Again
Communication. Communication. Something I seem to be failing at. I’ve been told from the very beginning. Need to work on this. Need to do it better. ADHD. Emotional instability. I’m sick of my o...
34 sucks in Phoenix Rises Again
My birthday started off with tears. Continued with the information that we arent doing Thanksgiving tomorrow. So I went and got all the Thanksgiving shit to do it myself. Seems like I have to do ...
Hello Depression My Old Friend in Phoenix Rises Again
Been super depressed lately. Everything that’s going on has hit me pretty hard. I’m always a little down right before my birthday. Historically a day thats gone unmarked since kindergarten. Every...
Wtf life in Phoenix Rises Again
Just found out both my parents have covid. And a friend from back home. We are supposed to be going to have thanksgiving there. And my birthday. And to see Jay for the last time. Now my options a...
Wierd shit I do in Phoenix Rises Again
An old schoolmate can p on people you might now on facebook. Added him. We started chatting. I ended up pouring my heart out about all the ahit that’s happened the last couple years. Didnt really...
Hey Jay in Phoenix Rises Again
Remember when you used to steal my diary and read it? When you used to watch me? When you used to want to know every little thing happening in my life? When you couldn’t get enough of me? I wish ...
When Things Get Bad, They Get Worse in Phoenix Rises Again
Looks like I’ve passed my mental illness to my son. I always knew it would happen but I thought it wouldnt happen this soon. Hes only 8. Friday at school I got a call from the nurse saying that h...
Treading Water in Phoenix Rises Again
I feel incredibly uncomfortable with my current living arrangments but the chances of being able to save a new deposit for a place seem bleak, not to mention the cost of moving itself. And of cou...
Everything in Phoenix Rises Again
Everything is getting to me today. I know none of it’s actually aimed at me but it still feels like it is. I wish I could turn that part if my brain off. Suddenly I’m too exhausted to have anythi...
Just When I Thought it Was Over in Phoenix Rises Again
It got bad again today. I tried really hard to fight it this time. I avoided hard. Every time I see your pictures now or here your voice recorded it doesnt soothe me anymore. Because I know soon ...
Talking to Jay in Phoenix Rises Again
Jay’s band is disbanding. Over Thanksgiving break they will have their last show. And since it’s been the only place I can talk to him, this will be my last chance to do so. After this I will pro...
Change in Phoenix Rises Again
Kerrie has been super affectionate lately. Spent the night last night and she was all over me. I’m just not ready for that. I like her but I think shes already getting atatched to the idea of me ...
I Must be Crazy in Phoenix Rises Again
I’m about to move in with a cute girl I’ve known less than a week. And her kids. And her ex wife. And for some reason it all seems pretty peaceful and chill. This is probably a terrible idea. But...