Been super depressed lately. Everything that’s going on has hit me pretty hard. I’m always a little down right before my birthday. Historically a day thats gone unmarked since kindergarten. Everyone forgets me. But this is more than that.
Between worrying about my son and not knowing what to do next I’m a ball of anxiety. I was ready to go back to school. But now? Who knows if I’ll have to move back home or not. I was trying to save for a house. But should that be here or there?
I was determined to have another baby but with child one at risk from mental illness I shouldnt be splitting my attention. And deciding not to have another now means maybe never getting to have another. And that sends my sex drive all wonky. If I cant have another baby why bother at all?
Yes I crave the emotional connection, but I wont get that with any of these guys offering sex. Yes I’m lonely and sometimes very horny, but sex will only complicate my life, and without the chance to create life why should I bother?
And then theres the uncertainty about the coming weekend. If I go up there alone will my son be safe here? Can I be sure of it? If I take him with me will it be too taxing on him? Will I stay in a hotel or with friends? These questions are still unanswered. And time is running out.
Wesley said hed go to kareoke with me for my birthday tomorrow, if its ‘not too late’, but of course then I have to figure out who has kareoke and if I can swing an Uber so I can drink. I wont want to sing if I dont drink.
Work hasnt paid me for one of my shifts last week either. They are giving me the run around. And I find myself doing my managers job… again. Submitting things to payroll and confirming with the facility and I dont think he even told them I wasnt going to be there this week. Joy. And here I am spending my week off lounging about a house I dont really feel comfortable with. Asha and Kerrie still feel like strangers. I really wish I had my own place.
And what’s going to happen at the show with Jay? If things go too badly itll hit way hard. I’m unmedicated and with all the other stress on top of that, I dont know if I could handle it. And whats worse is, it’s very likely Megan will be there. And if she sees weakness she’ll strike as hard as she can. Nothing has changed. She still hates me and she’s still evil. You dont know how many times over the years I’ve wished she’d just get the fuck out of the way. Out of my way AND his. He was always more fun to talk to without her censoring him and trying… failing to explain me to him. Then there was the intentional manipulations. She acts like his fucking hero for saving him, but she intentionally caused the fight that put him in that predicament to begin with. I’m definatly not blameless for sure. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. But she’s no fucking hero either. Shes a deadly viper, crawling in the dirt, silently killing the weak. Deplorable. Disgusting. And I’ll bet she never really grew up. I dont know for sure, I’d like to see better in her, but so far… can’t say that I really do. I hope I’m wrong.
And I wish for a rare moment of empathy from Jay. Just for a little while. I miss him so bad already, and bow he will be gone forever. My heart hurts. Its quivering on the precipice. This isn’t what I should be focused on right now. Then again, wasn’t that always the way with him. I haven’t figured out what this test is and it seems unfair to be given a test without knowing the subject matter.
Please help me God.