LachrymoseBeauty ⋅
My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.
Entries 236
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Cute Girl in Phoenix Rises Again
Met a cute girl on Bumble a few days ago. Now we are going over for dinner tomorrow and discussing the possibility of my son and I moving in. I’ve heard of uhaul on the 2nd date but this is madne...
I just keep thinking in Short Thoughts
This cant be goodbye. But I’m the one who left. Miss you so much today. Wesley cant make it go away.
I dont feel like it in Phoenix Rises Again
I dont feel like hosting a party and being a Mistress and finding an apartment and getting back to work. I dont feel like fending off a somewhat innapropriate boss and fighting with case managers...
About to Implode in Short Thoughts
I dont feel like I have an outlet for my emotions right oow or any moral support from anyone. This is all eating me alive.
-.- in Short Thoughts
Already feeling shitty about my last post. I shouldn’t care right? It’s my damn journal not a PR blog or some shit.
To My Stalker in Phoenix Rises Again
I started watching a show on Netflix about a stalker. I think it’s called ‘You’. It reminded me hands down of Jay. . . And made me miss him. So heres the thing. I know he’d be thrilled to death t...
The Comfort You Cant Provide in Phoenix Rises Again
Today, several times I mentioned to Wesley, casually, that I wasnt okay mentally, that I was having trouble keeping my mind present, that I just need to relax and make it through tomorrow. Every...
It Just Be That Way in Short Thoughts
I feel like I’m under performing, not meeting my own standards, feel like a lazy fuck who will never accomplish anything. I need forward motion. I need to fix my medicaid, find a therapist. It’s ...
Why is this still happening? in Phoenix Rises Again
And here I am thinking about you again Jay. Seeing you on the internet and always wishing for more of you. Not more of your face or your body. More of your words, your eyes, your voice. A more ge...
Work in Phoenix Rises Again
I’m getting real tired of people at work looking at me with condescending eyes and talking to me in a completely asshole way. It’s not the patients. They are aight. It’s the nurses and other CNAs...
Monotony in Phoenix Rises Again
Feels like the days are all blending together. I work. I pay bills. I watch tv. I come home to a messy, empty house. I need to find something to look forward to every week. I’m numb. All these bo...
The Voice in Phoenix Rises Again
Theres a voice in the back of my head screaming at me. Its saying I should be with Jay. And what am I even doing being so far from him. What if he needs me? But it’s all lies. It’s just a delusio...
Wesley in Phoenix Rises Again
Every time I see you, you smell more enticing than the last. All I want is to be on your lap, as close as I can be, my body pressed to yours. I want to kiss you passionatly and delight in the tas...
Woke up on the wrong side in Phoenix Rises Again
I’m feeling like hell today. I miss Jay so much and I hate it because I know he isnt missing me. I’ve been overwhelmingly horny but I trust nobody with my body. I feel alone and lost. Im working ...
What the actual hell in Phoenix Rises Again
So here I am at Wesley’s. After a long drawn out argument that I’m pretty sure accomplished very little. He invites me over and asks me to bring smokes. Then he says he suddenly got heartburn and...
And Another Thing! in Phoenix Rises Again
I’m pissed at Wesley. I’m hormonal and unreasonable and pissed. I’ll get over it. What bothers me: 1. He kept his eyes closed during sex and it made me feel ugly and unwanted and irrelevant. Yes,...
God, I need your help again. in Phoenix Rises Again
It’s me, Phoenix. I know I’m here for a reason. I know I’m supposed to be making a difference. But.. am I doing it right? So heres this guy… with a bad past. Hes probably lieing about everything....
Lately in Phoenix Rises Again
So my journal entries may say alot about my beautiful irish friend and I figure he better have a name. So we will call him Wesley. Wesley is in a bad mood again. His BPD is really fucking with hi...
Sweet Dreams lead to dissapointing mornings in Short Thoughts
Had an amazing dream about Jay last night. Now I dont want to be awake. I’d rather just dream of him forever. We could be close again, in my dreams.
The Need to Cry in All About Hikaru/Yuki
I thought I’d cry last night. In the middle of that crowded show. I thought I’d really just bring down. Instead I got high. And made incredibly innapropriate remarks all night. Now I have trouble...
Wow, really?? in All About Hikaru/Yuki
So a certain user on prosebox, MyDronedLife, has taken it upon herself to think she is the fucking voice of God and told me that losing my baby was God’s way of punishing me for choosing to have ...
Triploidy in All About Hikaru/Yuki
Turns out it’s not Trisomy 13.... its triploidy. Instead of an extra 13th chromosome, my baby has a whole extra set. My sweet Yuki. They said she’s actually a boy because she has a ‘y’ chromosome...
She's dieing in All About Hikaru/Yuki
Today my little Yuki barely had a heartbeat. She’s dieing. They don’t think she will survive another week. How will I tell my son his baby sister died? How will I keep going like nothing’s wrong?...
Unsatisfied in All About Hikaru/Yuki
Tick tock, tick tock. Time moves so slow. Anxiously awaiting results from the amnio. Almost a whole week to go still. And I cant get comfortable unless I’m laying in bed or a bathtub. Its infuria...
Stress in All About Hikaru/Yuki
I’ve been more and more stressed out. Especially about little things. This fucking house never being clean and organized no matter how hard I try is at the top of the list. Always forgetting wher...