LachrymoseBeauty ⋅

My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.

Entries 239

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October 31, 2021

Talking to Jay in Phoenix Rises Again

Jay’s band is disbanding. Over Thanksgiving break they will have their last show. And since it’s been the only place I can talk to him, this will be my last chance to do so. After this I will pro...

October 29, 2021

Change in Phoenix Rises Again

Kerrie has been super affectionate lately. Spent the night last night and she was all over me. I’m just not ready for that. I like her but I think shes already getting atatched to the idea of me ...

October 26, 2021

I Must be Crazy in Phoenix Rises Again

I’m about to move in with a cute girl I’ve known less than a week. And her kids. And her ex wife. And for some reason it all seems pretty peaceful and chill. This is probably a terrible idea. But...

October 25, 2021

Cute Girl in Phoenix Rises Again

Met a cute girl on Bumble a few days ago. Now we are going over for dinner tomorrow and discussing the possibility of my son and I moving in. I’ve heard of uhaul on the 2nd date but this is madne...

October 13, 2021

I just keep thinking in Short Thoughts

This cant be goodbye. But I’m the one who left. Miss you so much today. Wesley cant make it go away.

I dont feel like hosting a party and being a Mistress and finding an apartment and getting back to work. I dont feel like fending off a somewhat innapropriate boss and fighting with case managers...

September 29, 2021

About to Implode in Short Thoughts

I dont feel like I have an outlet for my emotions right oow or any moral support from anyone. This is all eating me alive.

September 28, 2021

-.- in Short Thoughts

Already feeling shitty about my last post. I shouldn’t care right? It’s my damn journal not a PR blog or some shit.

September 28, 2021

To My Stalker in Phoenix Rises Again

I started watching a show on Netflix about a stalker. I think it’s called ‘You’. It reminded me hands down of Jay. . . And made me miss him. So heres the thing. I know he’d be thrilled to death t...

Today, several times I mentioned to Wesley, casually, that I wasnt okay mentally, that I was having trouble keeping my mind present, that I just need to relax and make it through tomorrow. Every...

September 03, 2021

It Just Be That Way in Short Thoughts

I feel like I’m under performing, not meeting my own standards, feel like a lazy fuck who will never accomplish anything. I need forward motion. I need to fix my medicaid, find a therapist. It’s ...

And here I am thinking about you again Jay. Seeing you on the internet and always wishing for more of you. Not more of your face or your body. More of your words, your eyes, your voice. A more ge...

June 20, 2021

Work in Phoenix Rises Again

I’m getting real tired of people at work looking at me with condescending eyes and talking to me in a completely asshole way. It’s not the patients. They are aight. It’s the nurses and other CNAs...

June 19, 2021

Monotony in Phoenix Rises Again

Feels like the days are all blending together. I work. I pay bills. I watch tv. I come home to a messy, empty house. I need to find something to look forward to every week. I’m numb. All these bo...

June 18, 2021

The Voice in Phoenix Rises Again

Theres a voice in the back of my head screaming at me. Its saying I should be with Jay. And what am I even doing being so far from him. What if he needs me? But it’s all lies. It’s just a delusio...

June 06, 2021

Wesley in Phoenix Rises Again

Every time I see you, you smell more enticing than the last. All I want is to be on your lap, as close as I can be, my body pressed to yours. I want to kiss you passionatly and delight in the tas...

I’m feeling like hell today. I miss Jay so much and I hate it because I know he isnt missing me. I’ve been overwhelmingly horny but I trust nobody with my body. I feel alone and lost. Im working ...

So here I am at Wesley’s. After a long drawn out argument that I’m pretty sure accomplished very little. He invites me over and asks me to bring smokes. Then he says he suddenly got heartburn and...

I’m pissed at Wesley. I’m hormonal and unreasonable and pissed. I’ll get over it. What bothers me: 1. He kept his eyes closed during sex and it made me feel ugly and unwanted and irrelevant. Yes,...

It’s me, Phoenix. I know I’m here for a reason. I know I’m supposed to be making a difference. But.. am I doing it right? So heres this guy… with a bad past. Hes probably lieing about everything....

April 19, 2021

Lately in Phoenix Rises Again

So my journal entries may say alot about my beautiful irish friend and I figure he better have a name. So we will call him Wesley. Wesley is in a bad mood again. His BPD is really fucking with hi...

Had an amazing dream about Jay last night. Now I dont want to be awake. I’d rather just dream of him forever. We could be close again, in my dreams.

I thought I’d cry last night. In the middle of that crowded show. I thought I’d really just bring down. Instead I got high. And made incredibly innapropriate remarks all night. Now I have trouble...

February 22, 2020

Wow, really?? in All About Hikaru/Yuki

So a certain user on prosebox, MyDronedLife, has taken it upon herself to think she is the fucking voice of God and told me that losing my baby was God’s way of punishing me for choosing to have ...

February 20, 2020

Triploidy in All About Hikaru/Yuki

Turns out it’s not Trisomy 13.... its triploidy. Instead of an extra 13th chromosome, my baby has a whole extra set. My sweet Yuki. They said she’s actually a boy because she has a ‘y’ chromosome...

Books 8

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